what title?

The thought of dying never budged me even once. In fact, I am not afraid to die. I often wonder what it feels like to die, to leave this chaotic world behind. But what I also wonder, is that how death could free me from all these weary feelings.

I seldom encounter people who are “ready to die” and I honestly think that I am in fact ready to leave, anytime. Traumatic childhood, unresolved family conflict and even unsure future ahead of me. I always wanted to die.

Multiple attempts have failed and now, I came across to two deaths of someone close to my loved ones. The father of my friend and the brother of my girlfriend. These two men are husbands, fathers and even sons to their parents. But then again, death is inevitable. If it’s your time, then it’s your time per se.

I believe that there is a supreme being over us but at times like this, I often wonder, why would he be taking back lives of those who want to live more and spare those who desperately wants to die. Like me.

an empty mind is all i got

your beautiful smile keeps on replaying

all i think are the what nots

and it might actually be ending

i don't know how to deal with this

when this is all i have and all i can give

isn't it enough to suffice?

am i not making you believe?

give me clarity and nothing else

feed my mind with your words

and let it be at ease

i might be gone too soon from this world

mali ako sa nagawa ko sayo

nagkaroon ng pagkakataon para ikay inisin

pero di na naman ako nagisip ng maayos,

ngayon, ako'y di mo na pinapansin

nakakainis din pala talaga ang sarili

akala mo lahat ng bagay nadadaan sa tawa

na para bang ito sayo'y magpapawili

mali ako sa nagawa ko sayo

at wala akong ibang ninanais ngayon

mali ako sa nagawa ko sayo

pagbigyan mo sana muli ng pagkakataon

mali ako sa nagawa ko sayo

pero hindi ibig sabihin non, hindi na seryoso.

I often wonder what it's like

To have an unending inner peace,

I often wonder what it's like

To have your mind and heart at ease.

Is this what it feels like?

To be battling countless strikes?

Is this what it feels like?

To be going on in an endless hike?

Maybe it's just me.

Maybe it's just me.

MAYBE. IT. IS. JUST. ME.

Serene and calmness is what I found

So, yesterday I had a rough day. It's one of the tough ones which others barely see. But still, I'm thankful for the fact that I was able to get up and go to work as usual.

You see, whenever you have mental health concerns, what others perceive is not the same as what you perceive. You may look fine, jolly and you may even appear happy to others. What they don't know is what you're really dealing inside. I know for a fact that we all have problems to deal with. But let me remind you to be mindful of how you deal with people.

I miss my old self, and please, bear with me as I'm trying my best. I don't want to give up yet. I've done it many times and clearly, I did not succeed. My thoughts and prayers are with those who are struggling.

I wanna hold your hand

I want to make you feel safe

Your beautiful soul in the sand

Wavering all my worries in life

I want to hold you in my arms

And make you feel secured

The warmth and your captivating charm

Oh I am mesmerised by your allure

I want you to stay

For longer and longer days and hours

Discarding any sorrows away

Isang araw mula nang ika'y lumisan

Isang araw mula nung huling nakausap

Isang araw lang bigla akong nawalan

Isang araw akala ko ako'y nasa ulap

Isang araw, ikaw at ako ang magkasama

Isang araw bigla ka na lang nawala

Isang araw naalala ang lahat ng tama

There's been a silent battle going

Rattling and scavenging through

It's quite ravaging and annoying

But times get real tough

Much waited accompaniments

Struggling with all these emotions

Stampede came over the pavement

Listening to every little opinion

Quite tiring and worth giving up

Yet we fight this silent battle

And we all wish to break up