THE FEMININE ABYSS

" Mother. Eat me and give birth to me again. This time around I’ll make you proud. ” — Maia Baia | Mother

Contextual info: Jung's in a polyamorous relationship with Ben, Misty and Mundie. Cathal, Allan and Jung are found family. Ludo is Jung's adopted kid. Trigger Warnings: Ficlet touches themes pertaining homesickness based on isekai dynamics, implied Suicide attempts, Mental Health, Parental woes, Identity, Grief and skewed yet healing found family dynamics based on previous pains.

There were few places where the air was clean, there were few places were the air felt easy to breathe in, and there were few places where leaning on a balcony terrace’s railing, with the wind brushing the hair on their head instead of a veil, and with the clear scent of left over petrichor, felt the closest to home.

Because for a moment, they could look up into the sunset sky, twilight settling in and stars starting to peak ever so carefully. And they could look at it, and they could feel the tug of reaching out a hand, as if they could touch the stars in the sky—But they’d never reach it, and as soon as they lifted their hand, they’d notice. A black leather glove, the peak of the cuff of a white button up blouse, the sleeve of a dark magenta jacket, and if they looked down, they’d see more from where that came from.

Because the veil wasnt really gone, it simply sat in a nearby table, the hat held from the wind by their phone set over the wing, and suddenly the air felt suffocating again. They just sighed, and chose to look down at the simple garden that they had began taking care of with Cathal as a way of easing recovery with them. It was filled with as much flowers as fruits, because Cathal learnt he liked pears, and they liked strawberries.

And Allan liked Blueberries.

“… You dont have to stand by the door, I can sense you have something to tell me Allan” Their voice suddenly came through, still focusing on the garden, shaking their head gently as if easing in another moment of the life they’ve (mostly) gotten used to, before turning with ease. “Didnt expect you would be back this early, however…”

“Aww you hurt me” Unlike them, and unlike Cathal, Allan Bravecog was not a quiet, shy man. He was bombastic at best and emotional at worst, but it was the things that characterized him, and Jung was not opposed to it. It wasnt a flaw, it was endearing sometimes. “Its not usual my dearest daughter comes to stay with us! How would I not come to spend time by your side?”

“… Hm, well its true I’ve been less and less over…” They’d agree, leaning with one elbow on the railing, and legs crossing easily, as if posing for a magazine. They had worn pants this time around, tailored and straight, making them look more masculine than they usually did, not to mention the low heeled booties, another swap from stilettos they had learnt to wear a long time ago. “…”

“… Fine, you got me” He rolled his eyes, usually not being able to slip inside a pitch would have him annoyed, and being in an open air space would have him lighting up a cigar—But Jung wasnt a pitch, and he knew better than making the air worse than it usually was with them nearby. “Say it”

“Say what?”

“I know you enough to know when you’re thinking of something—And right now, Im very sure you’re going to ask—”

“—Why you’re here right now and not asking one of the help to come tell me you want to see me… Like you usually do because you know I like these moments where everything feels, less like being in another world”

There was a momentary silence, and Jung didnt look at him again, instead, their gaze fell from his face towards the doors at the end of the balcony terrace. Their eyes followed what they also knew of Allan. He was particularly tall because he was a Boss, the Vice President to be exact. He liked his suits with a particular design, and more often than not, he did not like wearing ties because they were a bit too stuffy. He liked walking more than rolling like a war tank, because looking like any other cog was better when wanting to make a ‘sale’, which in his idiom, was just being approachable. Except when he needed formality and Cogs Inc specifically requested that asymmetry in not just title, but body. Even then Allan liked being as approachable as any sellbot was meant to be.

Suddenly the emblem on the side of their waist weighed heavier than usual.

“… You read me too well” They’d say, the wind playing with their hair again as twilight came closer to night, not quite there yet, but soon, the stars would drench everything up. “Its, scary at times”

“Its what comes with being a parent” His voice didnt lose his almost cookie cut perfect seller cadence, but it did become softer, the kind of soft they had heard him use multiple times when Cathal was struggling, and so was he… And so were they. “Now, what’s troubling you? Your message was colder than usual”

“… It wasnt?”

“You rarely put dots at the end of your sentences”

“… That does not mean—”

“You were staring up ahead, into the sky, like you wanted to reach into it and cling to something” Sometimes they hated how easily he had learnt to read them. “And I want to know, I want to help”

“… Its not something you can help with, Allan” He didnt like being called by his name when he knew someone was hurting, and was using it as a tool to stay locked, instead of using it as another puzzle piece of a phrase. “But, I appreciate it, really…”

There was a brief moment of silence, their eyes moving to the table where their hat laid, the phone, if they remembered correctly the mask was left somewhere in the room that they were given, a room that had inevitably become their mark in a house that had welcomed them like another member, not a guest. For a moment, they thought it’d be really easy to come up with an excuse of how they were tired, how the boots were killing them, how they would simply go ask something from the chef and then go rest in the room… Or go see Cathal who had, coincidentally, matched their trip to the Bravecog estate.

It was rare for Allan to have both of his kids in the estate once everything eased after the incident, so every moment he could cling to with his children, he did.

“… I—”

“What did you do today?”

“…” They stopped mid sentence, not yet turning to face him for a few seconds, before lifting their face to finally see him again.

He was awfully calm, perhaps, way too calm for it to be expected, but this time Jung didnt have the energy to read him like they had done to many cogs. Allan was not a man you could read easily, not because it was impossible, but because someone like him already knew you were trying to do it before you even begun to take the book. By the time you touched the cover, he had already glued the pages shut, not because he had things to hide, but because he was not someone that allowed people to truly, read him.

Jung would always be between those people.

“… I did my job, saw a few patients, talked with Misty about a case she’s starting to oversee—Which is, plenty advancement—Um… I finished a report for Mundie on the case of…” Because he knew, allowing Jung to read him easily meant making them face a wound he knew already, would never fully close.

“Backtrack a bit there” He stopped them, and his hand moved in a circular motion which had Jung attempt to lift an eyebrow (which prompted both rising simultaneously, they couldnt lift just one at a time), because it was a motion they had only started to see him use after they had done so many times before .“I didnt mean it about work—What did you do today outside of work?”

Sometimes it dumbfounded them how they left an imprint in people, once, would have never thought of them.

“… You’re not just asking me the same question I asked you and Cathal when we tried family therapy tactics…”

“C’mon, Jung, you’re—… Im worried!”

Another moment of silence, another moment of absolute quietude that had Jung stare at him. It was extremely odd, his eyes told one thing, they were worried and filled with a mixture of uneasiness and confusion, the same gaze he held when he struggled to reach Cathal after the catalyst, the same gaze they had seen a thousand times by now; and then they looked down, and limitations of a body appeared, because Allan only had two emotions on his mouth, and whether that was the cruelty of Suit-hood or not, it was enough to make them saddened seeing worry mixed with a wide smile.

Suddenly choosing between walking away felt like a more dangerous gamble than any they had even attempted with Buck by their side. Despite their conflict, they didnt really want to worry him.

“… Im sorry” And still, they struggled. When had they not struggled? Maybe when they didnt think about it, but if they did that, they knew nothing stopped someone telling them to cut the act and be blunt. Pollux already had done it, every time they started shutting down they had told them constantly to stop shutting down. “I… Im tired”

“… I’ll arrange for some t-”

“Emotionally and mentally tired, not physically”

For once they were forcing themselves to stay rather than run away, even when knowing any wrong movement could tip them over into a rage that scared even them. Because being at the limit of things was something they always danced around, but never really wanted to cross. They had screamed at Allan once, out of grief and fear—They couldnt bring themselves to make it a list of times, they couldnt add a second.

“… Sometimes I feel Im losing myself—Less human and more robotic—Which I know, its a crazy thing to say to someone but, who, else, can I tell this to? I feel isolated just, trying to think of people to open up. I’ve vented enough to Pollux to the point I can see, they’ve grown drenched in my exhaustion too. Misty is a no go because she’s more emotional than we are combined. Mundie is far too busy and I fear he’d rationalize it first and I’d rather, not, right now. Ben has been sick lately, caught a virus and is recovering, Im not adding more to his plate. Cathal is tired too but its nothing to do with anything other than the ache that will always be there, and…” They’d finally sigh, crossing their arms as if to retreat when they leaned into the railing with their back. “… Ludo’s a child. He deserves better than this”

Sometimes he forgot they had become a parent. Sometimes they forgot they had a parent. Sometimes they forgot they had been a child who sought to escape, and to use a name as a tool, for a reason.

“… Oh, sweetheart” But no one had to tell him twice, not again. Not anymore. “Tell me about it”

“Its… that, not feeling like I belong—”

“About where you come from. I know, I told you once and I’ll tell you again. You gave a team of cogs the company had taken not only for granted, but cogs ready to be scrapped… And you gave them a sense of belonging. So, I want to do the same. Tell me about where you come from”

Allan was not a man that set his attention in topics Suit society would find “trivial”. Jung’s life before Cogs Inc, was considered “trivial” to many. They knew Robert saw it as trivial, they knew Diane saw it as sentimentalities, they knew Craig found it trivial. They werent sure about Lawrence, the Chief Justice they had slowly been getting accostumed to working with, or Chris, but something told them they too, would find it trivial.

The only people they knew did not find it trivial from the higher ups, that knew of their status as alien on the land, was Thomas. And that was because Thomas didnt fully care for numbers, statistics and paper work, he actually thrived in things other than coldness.

“I wonder if we can find that flower you mention often here” They remember hearing him say once, on the days they returned to Cogs Inc from Cathal’s care, and in his words, looked ‘like the stock market crashed not just on the screen but physically over them too’, which was admittedly one of the first times they had laughed a bit too loud in a long while. Got him laughing too, at least. “A bell flower is something I know of but… You drew it with a particular shape… Clearly it left a mark on you”

Homesickness. That was the word.

“… What, would you like to know?” They were confused, because out of everyone, yes Allan was perhaps the one most plausible to be interested—But he had never been, until now.

“… You were looking at the stars” He spoke, looking up at the darkened sky, the scene now only illuminated by his own eyes glowing like faint flashlights, though a sharp clap would make the terrace become illuminated in few lights. Huh. “Do they remind you of anything?”

“Well… Hm… I, guess, It just made me think of walking into school when my mom left me at the door, in winter it was still dark, so you could see some stars and the moon… It was fun getting on the second floor on my senior year and just, look at it… Did—Hm… Well—My country, was often praised for having the best skies for star sighting, most of the best observatories were set in the deserts”

“Really?”

“Yea! It, was nice, I always wanted to go to one and—I did, once, with my mom… for a school trip… But—I barely remember anything of it…”

There was a pause as they returned their gaze to the sky. Even with light nearby, the sky was still illuminated like a beautiful blanket of twinkling pieces of light. And a memory returned to their mind, gentle, yet awfully like a crown of thorns.

“… The light of a star is often said to be a remnant, what was left from its life that, arrives to us after many, many years later… Most of these are probably dead by now…”

“That implies that some are still up and kicking it, however” His eyes trailed between where their eyes were focused, and their own face, and for a moment, he saw the same event he saw with his son.

In the absolute darkness of a terrace, a balcony, he could see tiredness fade and see Jung come to life, just by talking.

“… True… Some say planets can be seen in clearer skies” They continued, relaxing a bit as they seemed to search for something, anything. “… I wonder if one day there will be a way to truly conquer the stars…”

That was a hard question to answer.

As soon as the words slipped their mouth, however, they seemed to lose that spark he had seen in their eyes. Slow, a fading star of its own that they didnt notice, but he knew was more than trick of the light. He had seen it happen before, after all.

“… Even then I cant, really do anything, my body would not survive a trip into space…” It was quiet, almost too quiet, words carried away with the wind.

“Would you like to return?” And thats when he asked it, thats when he breached the gate they had kept open long and wide, but never really crossed. “To where you came from?”

Even if he didnt know what it meant to ask that, it felt like a sharp stab into their chest, painful, awfully painful.

“… I think of whay could’ve been” And they answer truthfully, but not directly. “I… Wonder what would’ve been of me. I dont hold much memories of what brought me here, if I died or, just, appeared one day but… I do remember who I was… A, psychologist, going through the haze of something I didnt like, and still working with kids on the best way I could—Just, wanting to be someone. Im someone now, though, arent I? Faced a lot of shit, helped people come out of depths I struggled once too—I became… what I wanted to be and, still…”

They thought of Ludo. Of his legs dangling off a chair, of his cute sunglasses and the way his tongue tended to stick out of his beak. They thought of when he called them ‘Mom’ or ‘Dad’. They thought of the time he had a nightmare and came to their bed, and how they held him. How he curled into their body and they kissed his head and promised that nothing bad would happen, that they were there.

They thought how no one had made them feel that way, because those people felt unsafe.

“… I worry I may fail Ludo, more than anyone” And they breached a gate too, further ahead, albeit not alone. “I feel I’ve been a parent all my life and yet, Ludo makes me realize I know nothing as much as everything. Its scary”

“… Im sure you know what Im thinking now”

“That no one teaches anyone how to be a parent?”

“Not that” He paused, and it caught them off guard what he said “How you’re the first person that can actually relate on someway how it, felt, to hold Cathal for the first time”

The breeze was quieter now, brushing their hair gently as they looked at Allan, and for the first time, he just looked like any other cog in the world.

“Many of us come from a time where a “family” was awfully foreign. If anything I wasnt really born out of a pair, just forged. Dont think you realize how old I am on that sense.”

“… I dont know if I want to know now”

“Dont worry about it—The thing is, we didnt really have parents like you or some of your partners did. We just, were. Cogs, rising up and ahead, learning and becoming someone. Eventually you find people, you form bonds and you learn you like, for example, art—And then you learn you have a really good hand at appeasing people, and that you’re good at selling things. And then I met Robert, back when Cogs Inc was barely anything, not even 1% of what it is today… And time went on and on and, at one point we had the struggle of, marketing”

There was a moment of silence, and without him saying it, they understood what we was about to say.

“… My deepest regret about Cathal is not that I forced a life upon him, which comes close but—I regret that the reason I did that, was because he wasnt created out of love”

“… Thats why you struggled to listen to me when I started to find heavier issues, wasnt it?” They asked gently, looking at him. “You… Were afraid, all of this was really your fault”

“I learnt later many parents feel that way regarding their kids having issues” He made a sound that seemed like the start of a chuckle, but halted ifself right before it could begin, because it hurt. “I was afraid, yes… I havent talked it with many, you’re probably the first one to hear it after almost 20 years… But when I held Cathal for the first time I realized I wasnt holding just a tactic to appease to the one market we tend to fail to please… I was holding my son”

Silence returned, a bit longer, as if the moment wanted to be dragged for thoughts to be recollected, like a break in a song before the next verses come.

“You’re the first person to voice it out and actually make it sound easy” They couldnt see his face, he had turned to look at the other side, probably at the garden—But the side with the frown found its way to momentarily gaze at them and then quickly turn when they noticed they were seeing him. “Which is as scary as it can be because I know exactly what you mean and how you feel… I felt the same way when you clung to Cathal in the hospital bed”

“… I was afraid to lose him” They’d admit, turning away too. “I have had many scares but none like Cathal, and, It probably made me feel worse because I was reeling from having screamed at you before that”

“I deserved it”

“Still. I could’ve handled it better”

“Jung, you were hurting, facing the father of the one cog you had bonded so tightly, and thinking of them truly dying because of the cog facing you, who was also demanding answers, having done a horrible job at parenting. Anyone would’ve crashed out, and I’d rather it was you”

“… Why?”

“Because I knew, you knew exactly why. Because when I saw you cling to him in that bed I didnt see a therapist grateful that their patient was still alive… I saw two kids who had attempted holding each other, knowing they’re alive and they wont be separated yet.”

The wind had accompanied them all the evening, leaning by the railing, hands on the stone, or back on it, it didnt matter, what mattered was that they were talking, what mattered is that their words were dancing across the space they inhabited and they meant something other than empty advertisements and filled regrets. Jung looked at him for what felt like an eternity before looking forward, back into the house, the light on the corridor, the sound of someone approaching, and they thought they could almost recognize whose those steps came from.

“… You know…” They began gently “Things havent been easy for either of us, have they? Nobody taught my parents how to raise me, no one taught you how to raise Cathal—And yet, its… almost cruel how out of you three… You’re the first person I can actually feel comfortable calling ‘Dad’”

Despite what it seemed, Allan was not a man that cried often, even in his emotional nature, he had a thick skin that made him find ease coursing through those emotions. But very few things truly got under the metal plating he had put over his core, very few things truly breached the borders of his life. Allan could shed crocodile tears like it was another piece of a play, but in that moment, seeing Jung speak with such ease, yet painful recognition, it was almost impossible to not cry just a little bit.

“Do you really mean it? Ah Jung! My loveliest daughter!!” And the moment found it easy to turn into something sweeter, it was bound for creatures as emotional as them. His arms quickly wrapping themselves around them, enough to rise them up from the floor as he wept with overwhelming emotion. “You’re so sweet! How can I not care for you and my boy? We should have these talks more often, I can feel you’re less tired now!”

“Dad…” Jung didnt slip away, but they didnt come close at once either, just patted his arm as if making sure he didnt squeeze too hard in his haze of weeping love, with a smile that wasnt usual on their face. Genuine. “C’mon, you’re going to make me cry too… Hm…”

Not like they could do anything about it, eventually they’d relent and lean into him with tears pouring down their eyes. And for a while they stayed like that, enough that the steps they thought came from their brother, who were actually from a passing housekeeper, faded into nothingness. And it was weird, Jung never chased the idea of a parent, they had made their peace knowing that the people meant to have cared for them were flawed, too flawed to be people they’d find ease in forgiving, people that over and over again, seemed to let them waiting for something ressembling care. Not scolding for not getting the best grade, not being stripped of things enough that now they clung to a world beyond the screen, not speaking of their interests like they were burdens rather than little joys.

When Jung found their cheeks dry, the embrace they had sunk in carried a distinct scent of blueberries, nicotine, and orchids. Unique, a bit expensive, but awfully like Allan.

“Jung” His voice was tired after the pouring of tears, but it still carried that thick bubblegum extroversion a Sellbot always carried. “… I know you wouldnt really want to take on the Bravecog last name but—That will never make you any less of a daughter to me, and, uhm—”

Had he been at a loss for words before?

“What Im trying to say is—You dont have to try and act like, a cog to fit in. You’ve already made wonderful things just being who you are, which may be alien to some of us but—Arent we all a bit quirky?”

“… Thats perhaps the sweetest thing someone has told me regarding my identity… Thank you” Now it was their time to feel drawn back to tears. “But hey, no one said I was opposed to adding a second last name to my rooster—Its actually quite usual where I come from?”

“Really?”

“Allan, Cathal’s name has 4 parts, how come mine also having 4 parts consisting of 2 names and 2 last names confuse you”

“2 names… Wait! I need to think this over-”

“What—Let me revise your picks at least!”

And somehow, being named Jung Klein Bravecog didnt feel quite odd in that moment.

" Pero quiero aprender a nadar en la arena ; Hacer durar el tiempo en tus venas ; Para así yo comprender a tu corazón " — Tu Corazon (Para Papá) by Kidd Voodoo