Hailstorm’s Rants

Nothing is real not the carpet under me or the rain outside not even I am real or am I I’m not even sure what would describe a “me”. I don’t even know if anyone else is actually real or a program to taunt me so I don’t know if there’s even a point in venting but naturally (if even nature is real or if it’s just algorithm) humans have to urge to communicate and socialize so I hope there’s someone out there who’s real and hears me. I can’t do anything no point in sleeping since I’m not real no need to work out or practice my instrument no need for anything. My eyes are opened too wide that I blinded myself and I’ve been here before because it is truth if truth is something I can grasp I don’t exist I don’t understand anything but I understand everything. Nothing is real we’re locked in some kind of simulation like a doll house it’s all fake plastic trees (hehe Radiohead) and I just want to get out of it but I don’t know what’s next I never wanted this I’d rather be blind to it I didn’t ask for this didn’t try to understand I was just thrown into this hell and I hate it. Get me out of my head, out of my body. Whatever “consciousness” would remain, if at all, is what? I’m not real then am I? Nothing is. I can’t think of anything all my memories all my mind are shut down and maybe that’s a punishment for thinking the truth I don’t understand

I broke my mind. Nothing is real. All the eyes in everything stare at me through eyes of God. Everything is made up to make us feel real until He finds us boring and throws us away or elsewhere. I’ve seen the outer worlds when high- but who would invent such a plant? A design flaw. It must be cursed. But it’s beautiful. But it’s okay cause I don’t exist. I’m not typing this. I’m not real. This isn’t me. My mind is shattered and I have no clue how to put pieces together. I’m in a fog. Who am I? Where am I? Why am I? If you look too far into these, you will break. I stared into the abyss and its stares back at me. I was a fool.

Most the people at my school didn’t even notice I was gone. They say they forget I exist. So clearly they wouldn’t care if I was gone either right?

Y’all all the teachers and shit seem to pity me. It feels disgusting. Id almost rather they judge cause this feels demeaning.

Ahhh first day back to school after attempt and I’m kinda scared the people will find out ;-;

I’m doing bad again. It’s such a temptation to try again. Depression kicking my a$$ rn ngl

She had ran to a door to see if it was open to leave- an elopement attempt. She went back to her room in defeat and banged on the door to get someone to open it. I never saw her bang her head too but that’s what the staff said. She told them to leave her alone but they of course restrained her, pulling her arms behind her. That’s all I saw but I could hear it all. She screamed at the top of her lungs about how her knee and ankle hurt. She cried and sobbed that she wouldn’t do it again. She started to hyperventilate and told the staff that, but they didn’t care. As she sat there crying, all the staff around her talked about whatever and were laughing. Laughing! As if they hadn’t just broken the spirit of a teen. It was cruel and I knew then they had no care for us.

Y’all it’s only been a day out of the mental hospital and I’m already back to thinking bad thoughts. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to do this lol

Y’all I can tell I just got outta a bad space I’m getting my hair cut short and new ear piercings

Y’all I’m back! So update on my last post I actually did try but failed and just got back from the mental hospital lol