𝓓𝓮𝓷

Have you ever been trapped in emptiness? Like, everything around you cannot affect your own feelings. And you don't even know how to react after being surrounded by, either happiness or sadness. As a human, is it normal to feel that way?

You always see me as a quiet girl. Until today, you never know that there were a lot of things I really wanted to tell you because my words would instantly tangle in my head, then hang in my eyes as I looked into yours. I could even hear my heartbeat speaking louder than my own lips but it was all silent as if your ears won't let them to reach your heart. And once again, I became the quiet girl you think I always be, just like them.

Remember when I gave you a 3 seconds hug? Gosh, I bet you'd forgotten every little thing, which keeps the urge of me to not run away from you. Anyway, I hate the fact that it makes me really want to go back in time and give you more than just a butterfly perched on its flowers. But only this time, I let you win.

Aku suka keheningan itu. Keheningan ketika hanya ada aku dan kamu di ruang kelas yang sama setelah sekolah usai, setelah pertengkaran kecil kita yang seperti kucing dan tikus di hari itu benar-benar selesai. Kamu di ujung kelas, dan aku yang berdiri di dekat pintu. Jarak antara sepatumu dan milikku bagaikan jeda yang sejenak membiarkan kita untuk saling merasakan bahwa aku dan kamu memang memiliki irama jantung yang sama. Yang tersampaikan dengan begitu jelas dan lantang melalui hening yang bahkan tak bergema. Damai, rasanya sangat damai setelah suara kita yang penuh benci puas bertubrukan seharian itu. Benci terhadap satu sama lain sekaligus diri sendiri karena tak mau mengakui buncahan rasa yang menggelitik ini. Saat itu, anehnya hanya kita yang tahu. Hanya aku dan kamu yang sama-sama mengerti tentang perasaan itu sebelum pulang membeban rindu, tak sabar mengecup Senin untuk segera bertemu.

Still waiting for him to sing Taylor Swift's Afterglow in front of me even though it was just a dream because he never generously took away his knife that stabbed a little girl inside me, who has always wished for freedom and a happy ending, for fucking years. He scattered me like pieces of paper, watching us go from enemies to lovers and then to enemies again. I hate the way he can stop his rain even after locking me up in an endless war of heartbreak but I never let him win this game. I will find my own fire that can burn my heart—brighter than his smile, hotter than his gaze, and longer than forever.

One day, I will find my home. My freedom.

I look on flowers that will never bloom in the garden of my heart. And I can't help these flowers only have the chance to when I'm reading a book in my comfiest space—my own bedroom. So, there's an unanswered question lingering my head: "Whose cheeks that will get blushed reading the lines of my poetry before going to sleep every night, making them all a lullaby that leads me into a dream he never wants to wake up from?"

you take my crown

When will all the flowers in my heart bloom?

No, you don't love me. It's just a curiousity.

Hampir genap enam tahun lamanya, potretmu masih saja tampak begitu nyata. Kau hempas cerita lama yang semakin menua dalam bingkai-bingkai kenangan masa muda. Mengapa dulu kau selalu mengusik diamku? Menyambung garis takdir yang tak seharusnya bertemu. Rona wajahku yang berdalihkan amarah palsu bahkan tak cukup mampu untuk mengusirmu. Namun kini, kau rampas senang dan menghilang. Rajutan puisiku pun gagal menuntunmu pulang. Dan pada akhirnya, kita hanyalah sepotong memori usang yang sejauh mungkin ingin kau buang.