#feel empty

But the more time they spend there, the more... eerie it gets. Like everything is perfect. Everything. Their crops grow perfectly. Their animals never get sick. There is no drama within the town. And as much as it is eerie, it's also... boring in a way. Nothing new happens. Nothing ever changes. Things keep going as they should. Everybody continues on with their perfect little lives as if they never faced a day of trouble within their life.

And the when you sit down and really think about it.... You realize. You're fundamentally different from these people. From this little world they created. You're from the real world. You've faced and are aware of real world problems. Your life isn't perfect, even if the tiny world around you is. You're still mentally ill. You still have family problems. Your friends from out of town have their dramas.

And, in a way, you find yourself longing for what you left behind. At least that world felt real. At least your actions had real weight to them. At least you knew how to navigate the world.

⚠️⚠️tw: depersonalisation ⚠️⚠️⚠️

therapist had a while back said ‘self emptying’ is true of me. don’t fully understand what it means.

she said it because when she asked me “how would you describe yourself?”. responded: “empty. just a really empty person”.

don’t know how it became like this. maybe just through the years, cumulative effect of emotional pain. don’t think there is one answer.

but now know that it isn’t a problem of trying to find my worth. it is a problem of trying to understand what ‘i’ means. trying to accept that there is an ‘i’. thought this was just because of social anxiety fear of confrontation.

but actually maybe it’s actually because if it did not happen to ‘me’, and if there is no ‘me’ then am not vulnerable. cannot get hurt.

this was a valid fear. there were and are times when it’s unsafe to be self. but the response of becoming empty corrodes your self concept. it hurts you. you end up not being able to say more than a couple of sentences that start with ‘i’.

what do you like? what do you believe in? what do you dislike? what is your story? how has your upbringing influenced your worldview? what emotions do you feel now? what do you want in the future? what would make you happiest if you could do what you liked right now? and most importantly: what words do you want to say?