i’m still here…

Never mind, I’m just going to kill myself. How many painkillers do I have to take for it to kill me? Do I have enough? I’m not sure. I hope I do. I need to leave. I need to leave and kill myself. Maybe if I go to the park. First I have to buy something to harm myself with, then I have to leave. Leave and maybe if I feel better after harming myself I won’t need to kill myself. But maybe killing my self is the right option. Who knows.

Time for a relapse baby! I hate myself so much I should’ve bought razor blades when I was in the dollar store earlier today but I didn’t. He doesn’t understand me, the person who’s supposed to get me the most in the world, he doesn’t get me in fact he just rubbed salt further into the wound. If everyone hates me, that’s fine. I deserve it. I deserve to suffer. Clearly I do. Clearly I do. Clearly I do. I have no money. No nothing. What does it fucking matter man.

Maybe I’m not cut out for this after all

I am not fine, but my partner is doing way worse right now so time for that to take a backseat

Kind of miss the control I felt during an ED, but then again I’m so grumpy when hungry

Would be so fun to relapse into an ED once uni starts omg hilarious

I’m so stupid. I’m such an idiot. I wish I could kill myself. I’m an idiot. Such an idiot. I wish I was wearing black. I wish I didn’t exist. If I was wearing black then I could just rub all this snot off and not be concerned. Not to mention makeup. I got all dressed up to give myself confidence and then it just gets destroyed like this. This is gonna be in my nightmares rotation for sure. I’m so stupid, I’m so so stupid. I wish I didn’t exist. I’m so dumb. I hate myself. I hate hate hate myself. I need to self harm or something. Remind myself I’m an idiot. Fuck. I’m so embarrassed. I don’t want any of my friends to know. I swear to god if it happens again I’m gonna collapse in tears and just slit my wrists right there. I need to stop crying, I’m gonna have to leave this area eventually. I just don’t wanna be here. How do I stop crying. Or do I just say fuck it and go out crying. I should go to the bathroom. Contain my crying enough so I can go piss girl, blow my nose, wash my face a bit, then go to the dollar store and buy a nice blade, and gum and makeup remover. Or maybe I won’t need makeup remover, I don’t know. I wish I smoked, I could use a good cigarette right now. Or a good bump of cocaine- just any drug to numb the pain. He was so nice, I don’t deserve it. I want to kill myself.