Gradient Lament

someone else shaves the barber (that would make the barber someone who does not shave themself, which would mean the barber shaves them)

the barber shaves themself (this would make the barber someone who shaves themself, which would mean they aren't shaved by the barber)

the barber is shaved by a different barber (a different barber still counts as a person.)

the barber is shaved by a razor and not a person (if this counts as not shaving themself then nobody in this town is being shaved by the barber and this does not actually fit any part of the scenario described)

the barber is a woman (women actually count as people so she still needs to be shaved)

the barber is bald (bald people are people too.)

Looks like this corrupt government is gonna have to find another grounds to arrest him. And hey look there’s this incident with a hotel and some money’s left unaccounted for….. perfect excuse to jail an enemy of the state.

The story of the incident never included the barber in any of the tomfoolery, but changed were made as the story was gossiped about. Characters and events were forgotten and replaced with new ones until no elements of truth remained. Is it still the same rumor?

The barber is arrested for this fake story. They take him in. Now, cops are allowed to lie, but if all they do is lie then the barber is safe believing the opposite of what they say. The cops grill him by playing the role two opposite characters— truth cop and lie cop, and the barber isn’t told who’s who. Luckily the cops are kinda dumb and don’t realize that if they answer ask questions this makes it trivially easy for the barber to figure out who to ask for an attorney. Soon, he’s slated for trial

The judge doesn’t care if the story’s fake as long as the prison pays them. Many call this place tyrannical. But at what point in adding unjust laws, one by one, does a government become a tyranny?

Back to the barber though, he’s through with it. He’s making a daring escape. Because the cops have no idea what he’s got in his pocket.

From: [email protected]

Subject: Phylactery maintenance

Hey boss,

In the handbook it says standard procedure is “Phylactery upkeep is to be done Bi-Monthly, no more no less” but the other cronies and I are conflicted if that mean twice a month or once every two months? We wanna make sure our surplus of young souls and blood sacrifices is in proper stock so seeing if we gotta quadruple or quarter our spending will really make or break the whole “Eternal Life” operation we got going here.

Also side note: should I message IT about how every time the word Phylactery is typed out in the system it automatically turns green? Or is that by design?

In mournful servitude,

Henchmen 2883 (Frank)

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: Vexed Me For The Last Time

you’re supposed to do it once a month, bisexually. how many times have you been doing it??

- EW

"I know the Canvas ransomware attack is terribly inconvenient for many people, and sorry if that means you. I, however, am finding it farcically amusing.

For years and years faculty have been pushed to use Canvas. All courses get a homogenized and flattened interface and everything is presented as an easy consumer experience in a one-stop shop and it doesn’t matter if you object to any of that or don’t want to spend 50 hours dealing with an annoying tech product that doesn’t fit your pedagogy. Even communicating with students has been shunted through Canvas. And if you resist any of this, woe betide you. In fact you can’t print syllabi any more even if you wanted to—unless you pay for your own paper, ink, and printer (which I do).

Now Canvas has been taken down by ransomware, tomorrow is the last day of finals week, and YOU are supposed to scramble and solve this problem, using magic. That includes adjuncts who are not even paid a livable wage and faculty who might have hundreds of students.

This is a failure of a tech platform that was forced on us, and the university administrations nationwide who expect you to move heaven and earth are the same ones who are actively undermining their own institutions’ degrees by leaping into bed with AI companies before they even get their pants all the way off. These administrations (and this includes almost all of them) are not *ignoring* the destruction of education and academic integrity by AI—they are actively participating in it by forcibly inserting AI into student life, university email systems, etc. They are literally giving students software designed for cheating and cognitive dependency for free and applauding its use. And they think you are supposed to materialize a magical solution to this Canvas mess to ensure grades are in? Like between dinner and breakfast you are supposed to recreate everything you had to put in Camvas for an entire semester in some nonexistent other platform?

We just got an email telling us to “communicate directly with your students via email or other available tools for any immediate course needs.” How? Also, we should “Consider alternate methods of submitting assignments digitally or completing assignments in person on Friday” LOL what? So, individual faculty member, grab some No-Doz from the truck stop because in the next 12 hours or so, you must materialize a way for your students to take an online exam! Hope you own a server! Oh also you will have to rewrite the exam because you wrote it in Canvas and you don’t even have the questions anymore! Or just tell the students show up on campus tomorrow for an in-person exam—I hope you brought your personal printer!—and I hope nobody else scheduled anything at the same time, with no coordination! Then sit back and listen to the students tell you they already went home to Wyoming or Guam two days ago.

This is ludicrous. It is a problem created by overpaid administrators who have never had an idea that wasn’t sold to them by a software company and who now expect you to abracadabra a solution even as they are pushing chatbot accounts onto the same students so they can learn as little as possible through the degree.