Gracesab's Sanctuary of First Drafts

“Long time no see”, kinakabahan na wika ni Jake. Ilang beses na niyang iniisip kung ano ang magiging reaksyon ni Aya sa muli nilang pagkikita. Sa lupit ba naman na ginawa niya, inaasahan niyang sasampalin siya nito o kaya iirapan.Hindi na mamansin. Pero ipinangako niya sa sarili niya na gagawin niya ang lahat para makahingi ng tawad at sana, hindi niya alam kung paano mangyayari, na sana maging sila ulit.

“Jake? Wow. Kumusta?” nakangiting wika ni Aya na ikinagulat ni Jake. Maya-maya lang ay nagtatawanan na sila habang sabay na naglalakad. Pinagkukuwentuhan na nila kung anu ano na ang mga nangyari sa kanila simula noong graduation, pati na rin sa mga kaklase nila noon. Naging masaya ang usapan. Ni hindi alam ni Jake kung saan isingit iyong tungkol sa kanilang dalawa.

Nalaman niyang architect ang tinapos ni Aya. Sapamamagitan ng right timing, naitanong niya na rin kung may asawa na siya. Nalaman niyang wala. Pero mayroong kasintahan. Medyo nagkaroon ng tinik sa kaniyang lalamunan. “Eh ano naman.Boyfriend pa lang naman.Puwede pa.” Naisip ni Jake.

“Wala akong girlfriend ngayon” wika ni Jake sabay tingin sa kaniyang mata.

“Talaga? Bago iyon ah.Magugunaw na ata ang mundo. ” natatawang wika ni Aya.

“May hinahanap kasi ako”

“Sa dami ng mga nakilala mo, ano pa ba kasing hinahanap mo?”

3.2.1. Hinawakan niya ang dalawang kamay ni Aya. “Aya. I’m sorry. Sa lahat ng mga karantaduhang ginawa ko sa iyo dati.Siraulo kasi ako.Wala talaga akong kwenta.I’m sorry!”

Natawa lamang si Aya. “Nakakagulat ka naman. Wala na iyon. Ano ka ba?”

Sobrang laki ng iginaan ng loob ni Jake. Tila ba gusto niyang tumalon.“Pinapatawad mo na ako?”

“Oo naman. Sa tingin mo papansinin kita kung hindi pa. Ang tagal na nun.” Aabot na ata sa tainga ang laki ng ngiti ni Jake. Maaring maraming pinagbago si Aya. Mas gumanda. Sumeksi. Marunong ng magmaneho. Ngunit tulad pa rin siya ng dati na madaling magpatawad. At sa tingin niya mahal pa rin siya nito. Malakas ang kutob niya. Ngunit sa pagkakataong ito, hindi na niya iyon aabusuhin. Papahalagahan na niya si Aya.

Patuloy silang naglakad. “Mahal mo pa rin ba ako?” sunod niyang tanong. May halong tinig ng nahihiya.

“Hindi na.”

“Ha?” Natigilan si Jake. Tila ba may napunit na kung ano sa puso niya. Pero naghintay pa rin siya. Baka kasi nahihiya lang. Naisip niya na grabe rin naman kasi siya kung makatanong. Masyadong mabilis. Gusto na rin niya kasi niyang malaman. Sobrang na niya ng nami-miss si Aya. Kung pwede lang, yayakapin niya na ito ngayon ng mahigpit.

“Syet ang saya. Pwede bang tanungin mo ako ulit?” biglang nasambit ni Aya. Sa isip isip ni Jake. Baka ito na iyon. Inulit niya ang tanong. Mas may kumpiyansa na sa pagkakataong ito.

“Mahal mo pa rin ako?”

“Hindi na! Hinding-hindi na.” tila ba naaaliw pa na sagot ni Aya.

Hindi na maipinta ang mukha ni Jake sa pagkakataong ito. “Totoo ba to?” tanong niya sa sarili.

“Grabe Jake. Sa totoo lang hindi ko akalaing ganito kapayapa ang pagkikita natin ulit. Noong iniwan mo kasi ako noon akala ko katapusan ko na. Parang napaka-imposible na makalimutan kita. Marinig ko pa lang ang pangalan mo naiiyak na ako. Iyong pakiramdam na sinasaksak ako ng paulit-ulit. Pero ngayon, nasasabi ko na na hindi na kita mahal ng ganun kadali. At mabilis ha. Kasing bilis na noong sa iyo”

“Ha? Kasing bilis ng akin? Anong akin?” Nanginginig na wika ni Jake.

“Kasing bilis noong sinabi mong ‘Hindi’, noong tinanong kita kung mahal mo ba talaga ako.”

Lumubog na ang araw. Madilim na ang paligid. Parang nagdidilim na rin ang mundo ni Jake. Mali yatang naisip niya na magiging madali.

“Dati iniisip ko na sana pinakita mo man lang sa akin na nalito ka. Nagdalawang isip. Pero naisip ko na mas mabuti na rin iyon. Naging totoo ka lang sa sarili mo. Alam ko naman iyong totoo. Tinanong ko pa. ”

Napatingin na si Jake sa gilid niya. Naiiyak na kasi siya. Pinipigilan niya lang. Kasi matagal niyang hinintay ang pagkakataong ito. Masasabi niyang ito ang isa sa mga inaabangan niya sa buhay niya ng ilang taon. Sobrang tanga pala niya noon. Naabot na kasi niya ang pangarap niya pero siya naman mismo ang sumira.

“Puwede bang tanungin mo ako ulit kung minahal ba talaga kita?”, sambit niya.

Naisip niyang sa ganitong paraan, magpapakatotoo na siya.

Tiningnan muna siya ni Aya.“Gusto mo talagang subukan kong nakapagmove-on na talaga ako no? Sige! Ire-enact natin.”

Tinanggal na ni Aya ang pagkakahawak niya sa bisig ni Jake at pumunta sa harap nito. “So Jake minahal mo ba talaga ako? “

Naalala niya iyong una siyang tinanong nito noon. Alas dose ng gabi, sa harap ng gate ng kanilang bahay, basang basa si Aya mula ulo hanggang paa. Sumugod kasi sa ulan. Sa ilalim ng dala niyang payong, kung ano anong tanong ang hinarap niya. Bakit ba umiiwas siya? Sino ba iyong babaeng kaakbay niya sa mall? Bakit ba lumalapit lang siya kung may project,assignment or exam? Kung minahal ba talaga siya?

“Hindi” ang agad niyang sagot. Umiyak si Aya. Tumalikod. Tumakbo papalayo. Bagamat nag-alala siya na baka may mangyaring masama sa kaniya, mas minabuti niyang huwag na siyang habulin.

“Hoy Jake.ano? humindi ka na. Ang tagal naman.”

“Oo”

“Ha?” hindi makapaniwala si Aya sa mga narinig.

“At hindi aksidente ang pagkikita natin. Matagal na kitang hinahanap. ”

Napakagat muna siya sa labi bago itinuloy ang sasabihin. “Hindi ko lang kasi … kayang mag seryoso noon pero “ Marami pa sana siyang gustong sabihin.Pero hindi niya na magawa. Bagkus tumulo na lang ang kaniyang luha. Naghihintay si Aya ng punchline. Pero nang makita niya ang luha nito, naramdaman ni Aya na hindi na siya nagbibiro. Kahit kailan hindi niya nakitang umiyak sa Jake. Ngunit nagulat siya. Hindi niya alam ang sasabihin. Kahit sa panaginip, hindi niya iyon inaasahan. Naisip niya kung dati pa nangyari ang bagay na ito, baka tumalon na ang puso niya sa tuwa. Pero iba na ngayon. May iba na siyang mahal.

Nakayukong tumalikod si Jake. At naglakad na siya papalayo habang pinupunasan ng kamay ang kaniyang mata. “I’m sorry.” Narinig ni Jake mula sa kaniyang likuran.Natigilan siya pero pinagpasyahan niyang huwag nang humarap sa kaniya. Ikinaway niya ang kanang kamay sandali. Hudyat ng tahimik na pagpapaalam.

Mabagal lamang ang mga hakbang niya. Ang totoo kasi, ipinapanalangin niya na sana habulin pa siya ni Aya. Yakapin siya nito mula sa likuran. Ganoon kasi siya dati. Mahilig siyang gulatin nito sa pamamagitan ng pagyakap mula sa likuran. Pero hindi iyon nangyari. Naisip niya bakit ba lagi si Aya lang ang gumagawa noon. Hindi ba pwedeng siya naman? Baka sakali sa ganoong paraan maparamdam niya ang pagmamahal niya na hindi niya nagawa dati. Baka sapamapagitan noon magbago ang isip ni Aya. Maaring hindi pa huli ang lahat.

Tumalikod siyang muli upang gawin ang naiisip. Ngunit nagimbal siya at lalo siyang nasaktan. Wala na si Aya. Hindi na niya nakita pa. Tila ba isang mensahe na wala ng isa pang pagkakataon. Wala nang babalikan. 

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*Matagal ko ng sinulat to. Ngayong nabasa ko na ulit, narealize ko na ang korni korni korni nito.

*NA-realize ko na ang kapal ng muha nung Jake haha. Ang tagal tagal ng hindi nagkita, inaasahan niyang patay na patay pa rin sa kniya yung babae haha. Anyway, may ganito bang lalaki?

Boracay Escapade August 8-11,2012

Continuation of Day 2:

*Exclusively Invited for Free Eat All You Can Buffet- This was a sales talk actually. We suspected that the one who invited us would force us to join a networking scheme . We were quaterly-correct actually. it’s about a club where you can own a mobile unit for traveling. Membership costs was over 1 Million. Of course, there are some affordable conditions.Anyway we turned it down. We only went for the food. We paid by listening about it for hours.Not Bad.

*Bar and Beer. We went to what they call the station 1. I would really want to dance on the dance floor. It would have been my first time doing that. But we became too engrossed to our conversation about the woes and blues of being a teenager. (Joke) Oh we talked about serious things.Lovelife.Heartbreak.I prefer conversation than dance.

III. Day 3

*Flying Fish. Hard,Exciting and Fun. We were dragged and thrown up to the ocean. Painful to the eyes,hands and legs. Esophagus slightly damaged because the activity required a lot of scream.

this photo is from boracayguide.com 

I wish we had any photo while our own flying fish was on the run! But  I think we pretty look much this way.

*Tornado Jet Boat. This one too! The ultra fast boat took us on a crazy ride. It drifts abruptly and rotates 360 degrees. Before this, I heard from Boracay folks that many foreigners cried because of these. We were warned to brace ourselves as we lose our spirits. Proven! Painful for the Body especially in the neck area. But at least we didn’t cry.

Again I hope we have our own pictures while we’re on this. This is from olx.com. 

*Pasalubong Shopping at D’ Talipapa and D original Talipapa. Buying souvenirs and pasalubong is a traveler’s moral responsibility. I actually don’t have money at this point. Good thing my friend lend me more money.  

IV.Going Back 

A Glimpse on our temporary house

 Going back to Kalibo

    It was good to see the sun shining again in Manila. But we were disgruntled at the  sight of some parts of Luzon still submerged in the flood. 

   *August 8-10, I and my friends have a scheduled vacation to Boracay. That day, well if you’re living in Manila, and your house was under siege of a freaking flood, riding a plane might be the last thing on your mind. But I and my friends didn’t let the weather spoil our long awaited out of town trip. We grabbed the ticket almost ten months ago because Cebu Pacific had it on promo. We waited for almost a year! It was a difficult decision. But we decided to leave, faced the angry weather and shrugged off the guilt of leaving our families behind amidst the brownout,rain and flood. (That was the hardest part.) 

*It was my first time to ride an airplane. Damn I was so nervous I held my friend’s hand while the airplane took off. Who wouldn’t feel that way? it was raining cats and dogs. As soon as we hit the clouds, all we can see in the windows was pure white. I worried on the pilot’s visibility. What about the thunder and lightning? But it only took just few minutes. When we completely pass through the clouds, the sun welcomed us. The sun was like playing hide and seek, and now that we found it I wanted to say “So you’re just here all the time huh. Go back to Luzon.They are missing you! The trip took 45 minutes only.

*And while Manila was all gloomy, Boracay was still well enjoying the summer

(Photo from my friend)

1.First Day

-Brunch in Andoks

-welcome visit to a our unit in Villa de Oro,our home for three nights

-ATV.This is a motorbike rental.We used it to drive our way through an aviary and to the ocean tower where we saw the exhilarating view of the whole Boracay Island.

    -Zorb.Went inside a giant balloon ball then glided helplessly inside as the ball fell from an inclined plane. It was very fun but not sulit. The ride only took a minute or two.It would have been better if the giant ball came from a mountain top then slide all the way to the ocean.  

(The less sexier of the two was me he he he. Geez,I hope my friend would not request to have this picture deleted in this post.) 

-Swim in the Blue Ocean

-Dinner at P300 Eat All You Can Restaurant.I shall remember, my friend dropped her wallet on buffet table. She realized it after an hour of eating and laughing. We were all speechless. Good thing the wallet fell onto the good hands. The cashier kept it and handed it back to her. I salute you honest Boracay pipz

-Watched T.V ,worried and felt guilty again

2.Second Day

Helmet Diving. Went to the ocean floor for photoshoot. We also enjoyed feeding the fishes with magic flakes. I almost not enjoyed this one. I had a pretty hard time going under because I didn’t do the what they called “equalization” properly.It is blowing with your nose close so that the air will go out of your ear. (I don’t know if I explained this properly.)  The pressure made my ears too painful, as if my head was going to explode. But I didn’t give up. The trainer reviewed “equalization” for me and I did it again even if I was so afraid. To my surprise, my feet reached the ocean floor without any pain. Equalization was pretty easy after all. Thankfully I caught up with the photoshoot.

Island Hopping/Snorkeling: Explored Island Cove and its caves. About Snorkeling,gah! that was the hardest one. It made me almost throw up on the ocean. Plus the snorkeling equipment was not so good. The water kept slipping through my nose.

       This post became too long than I intended it to be. I’ll continue with another post.

Ito na ang  aking  so-so attempt travel blog entry. Sa totoo lang ilang araw kong inisip kong paano ko isasaayos ang mga ideya para maisalin sa salita ang mga masasayang alaala ng aming paglalakbay. Isa-isahin ko ba ang bawat lugar? Ilalahad ko na lang ba ang mga ginawa namin per day? Ilalahad ko ba sapapamamagitan ng  tuluyang sanaysay? Gagawa ba ako ng GIF ng sandamakmak na larawan. Ngunit natutulala na lamang ako lagi sa monitor. At bago pa man ako makaisip ng panimula, antok na antok na ako. Kaya heto,mauuwi na lang ulit sa enumeration style.   So bago ako magsimula sa listahan. Ang tour na kinuha namin ay mula sa St.Michael Explore Travel and Tour. P3,200 lang ang halaga ng tour basta ang grupo niyo ay binubuo ng 12 katao. Kung hindi niyo carry makabuo ng ganito karami, ang tour na ang bahala.Katulad na lamang sa kaso namin, walo lang kami. Isinama na lamang sa amin ang dalawang pares ng lovers na hindi namin kilala. Sa buong biyahe, nagtiis ang apat na ito na makasama kami sa isang van. Magulo kasi kami at maiingay.Idagdag pa ang sandamakmak na green jokes. Malas lang nilang apat. Bukod sa van at serbisyo ng drayber, kasama na rin sa tour ang hotel accomodations. Ang gastos mo na lang ay sa pagkain at syempre pagbili ng mga pasalubong tulad ng walang kamatayang keychain. Sa kabuuan, satisfied ako sa biyahe namin. Walang naging problema. Sulit!

At ito na nga ang mga dahilan kung bakit masasabi kong masaya ang aming munting paglalakbay.

Paalala: Ang mga larawang ito ay mga kuha ni angelisantina.tumblr.com,Leonard Perez,Richard Mandras at Aldrich Danan.

1.Life Size Dinosaurs sa Baluarte ni Chavit.

2. First Close Up Encounter with a  Tiger na inaantok antok pa at panay ang hikab.Na nakakatakot kasi sa tuwing hihikab siya, lumalabas ang laki ng kaniyang bibig, matatalas na pangil,at mahabang dila. Pero mabait naman siya  kahit istorbo kami. Hindi siya nag-amok.

(Tiger:Nagtitimpi lang ako sa inyo ha.)

3.Ang mga iskandalong pinaggagawa ng mga kaibigan ko.

4.Ang mga pony o bansot na kabayo na palakad-lakad lang sa daan. Sabi ng manong, hanggang ganiyan na lang daw ang laki nila.

5.Ang Matandang tour guide ng Museo Crisologo. Sobrang memorable niya sa amin dahil pagkatapos niyang ipakilala kung sino si Ginoong Crisologo (siya ang senador na nagsabatas ng SSS para sa mga empleyado), nagsabi siya ng “Pleaaaaaaaaaassseee share your blessings.May SSS kayo di ba?” sabay tingin sa aming mga mata na tila ba nakakausap niya ang aming kunsensiya. Ang kaniyang “Please” , may diin at mahaba. Mapapakapkap ka sa iyong bulsa para magbigay ng donasyon agad agad. Ilang beses naming inulit-ulit iyang “PLeassseee” na iyan sa buong biyahe.

6.Ang Banyo ng Makalumang Panahon. Pagkatapos mong i-shoot ang iyong  sama ng loob, didiretso ito sa kainan ng mga baboy sa ilalim ng kuwartong ito. Ang maganda rito makakapagbonding pa kayo kapag tatlo kayong sabay-sabay na inabutan ng sakit ng tiyan.

7.Ang Pagpunta namin sa Burnayan upang mapanood ng personal kung paano hinuhulma ang isang palayok.

8. Ang Hands-on na panggawa ni Aldrich ng palayok. Pero dahil hindi pa siya masyadong marunong, nauwi ang palayok sa hugis puso na ash tray.

9. Ang pagpunta sa mga makalumang simbahan. Hindi ko malilimutan na sa pagpasok ko rito ay may narinig akong kumakanta ala Gregorian Chant. Umaalingawngaw sa buong simbahan ang boses na iyon. Nakakapagtaka kung saan iyon nanggaling. Hinahanap ko sa bawat sulok ngunit wala akong nakita. Anong kababalaghan ang nababalot sa boses na iyon? O tanga lang talaga ko maghanap.

Paoay Church

St. Agustine Church

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Bantay Belfry tower

10. Ang pagbaba namin sa sasakyan para makapagpapicture lang sa “Welcome to Ilocos Norte!’ signage.

11.Ang pagkadismaya namin sa Sikatuna Restaurant. Sa dami ng customer, dalawa lang ang waiter. Ang tagal dumating ng pagkain.Ang tagal lagyan ng water iyong water container. Hindi masarap ang pagkain. Ang tagal dumating ng extra rice. Hindi kami nabusog. Buti na lang may t.v sila at napanood ko ang “Be Careful With My Heart”.

12.Nang makita ko ng personal ang himlayan ni Former President Ferdinand Marcos sa Musoleo Ferdinand Marcos. Bawal kumuha ng larawan ngunit may nakita naman ako sa google. Galing ito sa website http://www.elmundo.es/america/2013/03/10/venezuela/1362915616.html

Ayon sa aming nasagap na tsismis, nag-hire ang pamilya Marcos ng isang Egyptian para hindi mabulok ang kaniyang katawan kahit umabot pa ito ng 100 years. Buwan-buwan dumadalaw daw rito si Gng. Imelda Marcos. At kapag nandito siya sa loob, ipinapasara ang musoleo sa publiko. Madalas nagpapaiwan magisa rito si Gng. Imelda sa buong maghapon. Bawal pumasok maliban lang sa magdadala ng kaniyang pagkain.Hindi kaya ang kumuha ng larawang ito ay ang tagapagdala ng pagkain?

13.Ang Magarang Malacañang of the North. Dito nanirahan ang pamilya Marcos sa panahon ng kaniyang panunungkulan. Napakapresko ng hangin lalo na’t tanaw mo ang karagatan. Parang bigla tuloy akong nangarap na bilhin ito balang araw para gawing bahay-bakasyunan. Nangarap lang naman.

14. Ang Mga Manikang ito. Ang weird kasi.Parang tipong nabubuhay sila sa gabi.

15. Maraming akong trivia na nalaman  sa bahay na ito. Ngunit ang pinakahindi ko malilimutan ay iyong noong nililigawan pa raw ni Ferdinand Marcos si Imelda, sumulat daw ito ng “thousand love letters” para sa kaniya. Hindi ko talaga iyon malilimutan.(being a hopeless romantic that I am) Sana nag-display sila ng mga sample.

16.Ang Exciting na Paoay Sand Dunes. Nagdalawang isip pa akong subukan ito kasi magbabayad pa ng P400 pero sulit naman pala. Dito nabuhay ang mga dugo namin.Sumakay kami sa four wheeler mini truck ng nakatayo. At bumale-balentong na kami sa buhanginan. The best kapag mula sa matarik na bahagi tapos biglang bubulusok pababa ang sasakyan. Idagdag mo pa iyong kaba kapag tatagilid ang sasakyan na akala mo matutumba. Mamaos ka kakasigaw. Masasabi ko na kapag pupunta ka ng Ilocos, ito ang huwag na huwag mong papalampasin.

Trivia: Dito raw nag-shooting ang “Temptation Island”.Iyong new version.

Ang sumusunod na larawan ay kuha ni angelisantina.tumblr.com gamit ang kaniyang mga kyuut na analog kamera. Holga CFN ba iyon? Bisitahin ang kaniyang blog. angelisantina.tumblr.com

17. Ang Sandboarding. Para siyang skii pero sa buhanginan nga lang. Ayaw ko pa sana noong una kasi parang nakakatakot. Tapos nakita ko pang sumesempleng ang mga kaibigan ko. Pero binalaan nila ako.Gagahasain daw ang hindi sumubok nito. Para maiwasan ang penalty, pinilit ko na lang ang sarili. No choice.Nang nasubukan ko na, masarap pala! Ayun umulit pa ako.Malay ko bang sisiw lang pala to!Panis!

Hindi pa tapos ang listahan pero ito na muna sa ngayon dahil sobrang haba na . Sorry for bombarding your dashboad with excessive photos and trash talks.

Ito, huling hirit.

(via acutelesbian)

*My mother told me that he dreamed of my father sitting beside her when she was sleeping. In her dream, my father has a healthy body and he was smiling at him. She hugged him very tight.

I didn’t told my mother I had a very similar dream too just recently. I was on my bed too. When I woke up in a trance I saw him sitting beside me. He was looking at me. He was smiling too. It was unlike my usual dreams about him. Usually, I forget that he was already dead. In my dreams, he was still sick, crying and I always fail to take care of him.  But in that peculiar dream, I saw him beside me, not sick anymore and he was smiling. And I know he was dead in reality while he was there looking at me. But still, I didn’t feel it was scary. There was serenity in his smile. There was peace. I didn’t hugged him. I continue to sleep inside my dream until I woke up. I was thinking it was not him. Rather it was mind, looking at me, saying that mind is already at peace about his death. That I no longer feel guilty. That I already trusted that he found his way to the heaven where he deserves.

But my mother told me about her dream being dramatically similar to my recent dream too. Maybe, it was really him trying to tell us he accepted his death. That he no longer blame anyone. That he’s leaving us for good. That we shall not worry.

Have you fallen in love with yourself?   No. I am not asking if you are narcissistic of some sort. What I mean is do you love yourself for who you are? Have you accepted your imperfections?   Because I notice that you love to fall in love. You are very romantic.Always wishing for someone to die for.  But for those times you are so agitated to offer your love to someone else, did it ever cross your mind if you have enough of it for your own?

Because I always hear you speak about how you hate yourself. Many times.Like it’s your favorite verse in one of your favorite books. You mentioned being disgusted looking at yourself in the mirror that you avoid it as much as possible. You often talk about how your eyes looks different from each other or how your face is not proportionate from your body, how big your nose is. To be honest, I won’t notice them if you didn’t start pinpointing it yourself. The world would not notice it for sure. Even more so, you contemplated how you feel empty and you wonder why you have no goals at all. You often say you’re too dumb anyway and that you always fail. I wonder why that was the reason. Maybe you means it’s nonsense to have goals because you don’t have any means to achieve them.   It seems the only thing you’re passionate about is daydreaming about romance you want to have.I want you to know that I think you’re on a dangerous situation. Maybe you have the illusion that if someone appreciate for who you are, it will help you dissolve all the hate you have in your heart. Many people thought the same.I have bad news for you. They end up being more miserable than what they already are.   Believer me.I know. I was lot like you before.   Without love for yourself, you’ll attract monsters. Creatures like us are thirsty. Our hearts throb in a slightest attention. When someone give it to us, we fall in love. We crave for it and then give everything to sustain that attention.Everything! It means body, heart and soul.And monsters are good in sensing that weakness. And when they see it they’ll take advantage of it.They will salvage everything you got to give. For them, you’ll only the object of their desire and then they will leave you when it’s over. I know you get what I mean.     Without love for yourself, relationships will drive you to madness. You’ll be consistently afraid whenever you’re lover’s eye goes astray. Remember, you live up your life believing you’re not beautiful, that you’re inferior from anyone else. And that belief would tell you that the person will always find someone better. It will haunt you.And for that you’ll be driven by jealousy. It is the ugliest emotion in the world. It would make you do evil things. In the end, it will be too much that you’d wish you’d rather be your sad lonely self than a jealous person. And that’s why I’m writing to you. Save yourself from lot of hurt. One day, you’ll meet the person worthy of your love. But for now, you have to make an effort to be in love with yourself.You are a beautiful creature in spite of your imperfections. Forgive yourself for your mistakes.  Establish goals and do everything to achieve it. Because I learned that in this world, it doesn’t actually matter if you have the talent. What matters is you’re the one who’s doing the job. A person who’s willing to make an effort. Be that kind of person.

You have to learn to create happiness on your own so you don’t have to depend it from someone else. As for me, I’m completely okay now. But I went through a long struggle to be able to be OKAY.Though it essential for human to receive pain to learn, I think you should do anything to avoid it as much as possible.

Love Yourself. You’re wonderful!

A Heart that is full of pride.It loves to pretend it is made of stone But the truth is, it is the most fragile part of my anatomy. You don’t have any idea how a second smile could easily sway it like a boat helplessly being taken away by giant waves.Or how a simple act of kindness could warm it instantly and it would constantly remember the whole day. In a snap of finger, it stops laughing at your jokes.It will look away when you’re there.It will not listen when you’re talking. It snobs you.Ignores you. But secretly, this heart is threatened. It starts to fret. Because it is utterly confused that suddenly,it started craving on your presence, cries on your absence,throbs when you see someone else, longs for your hands to touch hers, asks silently for your kiss, daydreaming that both of you will be together, to somewhere cold, somewhere dark, like a movie theater. It is an assuming whore. You don’t have any idea how it easily believes in mindless words of flattery.Your compliments, though how obviously meaningless, could spring its wings and lift it high. I persuade it to go and calm down but it won’t listen. It will fly higher while wishing secretly that you’ll say it again.Again and again.Numerous times. And when it realizes the truth, it falls hard to the point of shattering into pieces,beaten into dust. You don’t have the slightest idea how it is easy to fall in love even though it knows no one will catch or save it. Like a swimmer who dives in swimming pool even though he knows there’s no water at all.Like a girl who willingly joins a group of rapists in their drinking session. It is dumb. It is a willing victim.My heart, will continue to love,even though loving someone like you will bring nothing but pain. It is hard to forget, moves on not too easily, and learns the truth very slow.But when it finally did,just a meager attention could easily take all the buried feelings back like you never hurt it before.And its into you again.