There’s this knot that lives in Billy’s stomach and he’s had it for as long as he can remember.
It was there on his first day of school. It was there at every doctor and dentist appointment. It was there the first time he saw his dad push his mom — and it got tighter then, never letting up.
It settled there, deep in his stomach, when he was cradling the phone against his face and begging her to come back and she said she couldn’t.
Sometimes, when he feels too much, it feels like his heart twists the same way. Like when his dad pushes him, or smacks him upside the head, or across his face, or when words are spit at him and they cut like knives.
His stomach twists and he’s jittery, fiddling with something, anything. A pencil in class, his keys when he’s in the parking lot, his ring when he’s surveying the pool.
He’s made peace with it. He knows it’s there to stay.
But then, Steve Harrington.
Steve fucking Harrington.
There’s this…pull. This immediate something that had Billy constantly near him, like the guy had his own orbit and he was always caught up in it.
He couldn’t stay away from him. It was almost a problem.
Almost, because Steve liked it. He liked the attention, Billy supposed. Or maybe the fun of sneaking around, kissing behind locked doors and hooking up in the middle of the night.
He liked it so much, they’ve been doing it for almost six months.
And that’s a lot, for Billy. It’s the longest he’s allowed someone to be around him.
He sometimes wonders why. Why Steve? Was it his big brown eyes? The warm of his gaze? The shape of his lips? The way he laughed? The way he held Billy against his chest and combed his fingers through his hair? The way he always made time for him? Learned his favourite flavours of everything? His favourite book? TV show? The way he held Billy’s face so gently when they kissed in the middle of the night? Or maybe it was the time Steve kissed his eyelids when he pretended to sleep.
Or…maybe it’s the way Billy’s brow wasn’t furrowed when he was with him. How his tense shoulders dropped and relaxed.
How the knot in his stomach loosened, after all these years.
It scared him, at first. How did Steve do that? How was it possible? All Billy had to do was fucking be near him and suddenly he was at ease.
He wants to freak out. He wants to rip himself away from Steve and tell him never to talk to him again. Push him away before Steve does.
But, he can’t. Not when it feels so good to stay. He figures that maybe he’ll prove himself wrong, wait for the day Steve finally gets tired of him and leaves.
The only problem with that is that it’s been over ten years since then, and Billy’s stomach is finally at ease and Steve’s still there, right next to him.
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