i could be so good at love.

i'm a little tutorial fairy and i flutter around after you and go like "remember, turning on your lantern can improve visibility in dark places!" but then suddenly i feel like i'm being annoying and i get really quiet and distant for the next three hours

WARNING!!!!! do NOT love me!!!! i am a huge disappointment!!’!!?

my newborn son has an ifunny birthmark

we all got that 1 friend that brings a sadomasochistic vibe 2 the hangout

I’ll eat your pussy for hours, then we’ll order pizza, then I’ll eat your pussy some more

What the fuck are we gonna do with the pizza

screw bedtime 😈😈 tonight we are staying up until 9pm

the average person with bad taste can be into some extremely banal garbage but when you get close enough to someone with otherwise good taste that they start a recommendation by going off on a preamble about how they don't necessarily recommend it you know you're seconds away from hearing about some real torturously wretched dogshit

friend from work will have you watch a two hour movie where you can feel every second as it passes by, but enemployed movie mutual will put you on the kind of shit that feels like crawling on cobblestone until emaciated

people are reading this as the latter friend recommending dry, pretentious cinema. that's not the case. not that kind of situation. you're getting no enrichment out of this. I need you to understand they're making you watch Gooby because "it's kinda good"

Not to insert myself here but as someone who owns Ghost Rider 1 and 2 on DVD I do actually need everyone to watch it right now because in the second one a kid asks Nick Cage as Ghost Rider how he pees and Nick Cage says “it’s like a flamethrower” and then they hard cut to a CGI skeleton in full black moto leather pissing a jet of fire and then it does a shoulder check at the camera and nods like “hell yeah brother”

"You could get up early and do it before work" I could also wait for a magic beanstalk to start growing in my living room LMAO. Let's focus on things that happen in the real world