Too Upset To Care

in the end it won’t matter that he chose you once. that he laughed at all your corny jokes and kissed you like he meant it, that he brought you soup when you were sick and flowers when you were mad. 

“And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can’t ever be fixed, and that is something nobody ever tells you when you are young.”

“I am bad at loving people. I’m invested one moment; Planning the memories that will shape how they’ll destroy me, And the next I’m Ripping apart words that they’ve said. Telling myself that love does not Exist. Love can not Keep me Safe. I’ll stop responding to messages; Stop picking up when they call. I’ll miss dinner once, Twice. They’ll wonder where I’ve gone. Weeks go by with the same short responses. “I need some space. This is suffocating.” Why can’t I do this? People will touch my soul. With care, and I’ll treat them like they Were the ones to create these Pieces that are engraving scars On my skin. I’ll treat them like horror scenes. I’ll run. I’ll convince them I love them, Until I can no longer convince Myself, and then I’ll run. I’ll misread every situation, It almost seems intentional. Creating problems just for kicks, as if I get pleasure out of Losing everything, everyone, By my own hands. Maybe it’s because It feels better being alone when you’re not waiting for the phone call where they say “I still love you.” Maybe it’s because You’re not the one Waiting by the door for somebody Who will never come Home. Maybe it’s because Being disappointed in yourself Is easier than being disappointed In somebody you love. I’ll cast blame on anything That doesn’t make me face The fact that I can not have a forever. Not with another person, No matter how badly I try. No matter how badly I want to. I can not trust my own bones; Why the fuck do I keep thinking I can trust anybody else?”

One day, someone you sacrificed so much for will turn around and say they never asked for it, and it will hurt because they will be right.

You look at her like she is the sun to your sky, like everything is clearer when she is around. And she looks at you the same. That’s okay. It’s okay because you two are good for each other, you both love each other, and you will both end up so incredibly happy. And even though that means I probably won’t, that’s okay. I am so happy that you found your sun, even if it means I will have to get used to living in the dark.

She was sent to destroy. But when the smoke cleared she looked down at her charred body and realized she had been the fire, she had been the pain and the chaos.  And she realized, the only thing she had destroyed was herself.

the stars are just like you beautiful and bright. cold and alone. burning out. dying.

I need to stop checking my phone because I know you won’t text me anymore.

And if people ever ask you what happened between us, don’t you dare say I left you, because I was the one that was there for you through everything. You did this. Not me.

We pass each other in the hallways at school. We make eye contact. We remember the way things used to be. You don’t love me anymore. You give me a sad smile. You keep walking. I still love you. I don’t smile. I keep walking.

I’m getting really tired of still loving you even when I know that I shouldn’t.

I never hated you. I was just angry at myself for trusting you.

I don’t want to be the person you miss at three in the morning. I don’t want to be your lingering late night thought, only to be forgotten the next day. No–I want to be the person you miss at three in the afternoon. When something happens to you, I want your first instinct to be to tell me all about it, only to realize that I’m no longer there. I want you to feel the constant need to hear about my day, only to be met with silence. I want you to feel as though a crucial part of your life is missing, and all you can think of is me–of us, and everything that once was. Most of all, I want you to miss me at three in the afternoon, and come to the bitter realization that it’s your fault that I’m not there anymore, because you’re the one who gave up on everything we once had.

You loved him, didn’t you?“ My sister asks, watching me lie on my bed. “Of course,” I say, “he was my best friend.” “No,” She sighs, “I mean, you really loved him, didn’t you?” I bite my bottom lip to keep from letting any tears fall, “Yeah, yeah I did.