I can't forget you

Excerpts from My Panic Attacks This Week

I hope everyone is doing okay in q*arantine. And if you're still working, I hope you're trying your best to stay safe.

It’s 1:56 am. I sent you an anon a while ago about relapsing at 4 months. Life is still hard and my trauma still taunts me. But I’m nearly 9 months clean, I have a boyfriend who understands and cares about my happiness, and I’m getting better. I hope this can sprout hope in at least one person. It’s 1:56 am, and for the first time in a long time I feel hopeful.

It's 12:15 and you just left me again..wondering how many heartbreaks it'll take till I learn

It’s 11:58 and I wanna fucking die

2:22 AM I'm thinking about him. Wondering if he's thinking about me. I wanted to call him and ask if he has already moved on. If he's now happy with her...

Maybe this is the end of it. The last thing I have to say. The last thing I know how. I wish I knew you better Before you left. I don’t remember how to write anymore, But I swear if I did, It would be because I still remembered you. You’ve blurred into words that Are lost in pages in notebooks, That I hide in my desk. I can’t bare to read the words anymore. Because the truth is, I finally don’t love you anymore, But when I see your pictures, It hurts me to have to lie That you weren’t the Worst thing And best thing To ever scar me.

You're not who you want to be, but I'm not to blame for that.

I pick at the skin on my upper arms constantly. Does this could as self harm? Is it just a symptom of anxiety? I hate that I do this but stopping seems impossible

2:43 AM. I hit 4 months clean today and I fucking relapsed. When will this nightmare end?

Coming to terms with being sexually abused as a child is near fucking impossible. New memories never stop coming up and its having to cope with all of it all over again.

Speaking to you again cleared a storm, and started a hurricane.