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Kitty: What? Why?

Lizzie: Because what happens if we break up?

Kitty: …

Kitty: Who gets Maddie in the divorce?

Cupid continued. “According to every single family reunion, Grandma married Great-Uncle-Step-Grandpa Hephaestus after- yes?” Cupid asked, seeing Apple’s raised hand.

“Um, I’m sorry Cupid,” Apple said, an awkward yet still somehow flawless smile on her face. “Did you say ‘Great-Uncle-Step-Grandpa’?”

“Yep!” Cupid nodded. “My dad’s the son of Aphrodite and Ares, God of War, Great-Uncle-Step-Grandpa’s brother.” Blondie didn’t know if Cupid didn’t see Apple’s scandalized expression or just chose to ignore it. “But that’s jumping a couple of slides ahead. Trust me, we’ll get there.”

“Now, as I was saying, Grandma married Step-Grandpa after Step-Grandpa trapped Great-Grandma Hera by tying her to a chair. Revenge for throwing him off Olympus as a baby cause she thought he was ugly, at least that’s what I get from their arguments at every family event.”

Blondie felt her eye twitch.

“But- wait, you know what? I think I ordered these slides wrong, hold on,” Cupid said before messing around with the projector for a moment. When she finished a new zoomed in section of the family tree had taken the place of the previous one. “I’m backtracking a little.”

She pointed to a pair of dots near the top of the structure. “So, Gaea and Uranus had the Titans, Cyclopes, and Hekatonkheires, Uranus threw the Cyclopes and Hekatonkheires down the pit of Tartarus because they were ugly in his eyes, and the youngest Titan Kronos helped his mother overthrow his father as vengeance, we covered that.” She pointed to two other dots below Gaea and Uranus, connected to each other and to the Earth and Sky deities by lines. “Kronos became King of the Universe and married his sister Rhea—“

“WHAT?!?!” Cupid was cut off by the cacophony of confused and disgusted students. Blondie glanced over at Professor Piper to see if he’d attempt to reign in the class, and instead saw him staring blankly out a window, eyes glazed over.

(Unbeknownst to the students, Professor Piper was stoned on one of Baba Yaga’s insanely strong edibles. At that moment, he was entirely absorbed in the beauty of the clouds and could not be counted on to stop this insanity.)

Blondie returned her gaze to her roommate, who was digging around in her bag for some reason. The reporter watched wide eyed — though, to be fair, she’d been wide eyed since Cupid’s presentation took a hard left turn into appendage chopping — as her friend pulled an air horn out of her bag.

BWOOOOT

The students were silenced by the sudden blare. As slackjawed faces returned their attention to her Cupid sighed. “Really guys,” she said. “If you act like that every time I mention incest then we’re never gonna get through this.”

Or like, the Ever After High students canonically visit the Wind Gods every year. Cupid could have been like “Damn, I missed out on visiting Zephyr? I love that guy, he helped kill my aunts” and everyone just has to process that this pretty pink love goddess is all happy that the beach dude helped kill her aunts?

Or just like “Yeah, my family reunion got cancelled this year because my grandma got caught cheating on her husband with his brother again– my grandpa– and we’re not quite sure when step-grandpa is gonna let them out of the elaborate trap he built to catch them.”

I want horrified looks from the students as Cupid presents her family tree project and it’s a fucking subway map. I want someone to ask why there’s a special notation on the line from Uranus to Aphrodite and to immediately regret it. I want Blondie to just be like “wow, I was so worried about my own family tree project and here’s Cupid causing half the class to gasp in horror–WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE WAS A HORSE?!”

She isn't even trying to mess with Ladybug right now, she's just been fired and decided the best way to screw with the guy she now knows is Hawk Moth is to use his money to donate to charity in a way that makes Ladybug look better so she's paying using a slush fund of his. Though Ladybug trying to find out what her plan is IS funny...

As for Chat, Chloé won the date. She isn't paying with her money or her relatives, she's using ADRIEN'S slush fund and spends the night complaining at him how everyone dumped her for the sister out of nowhere and he realizes he played a large role in her recent character worsening. Also, what does she mean with "And my half of a sister is rebounding from Marinette to my best friend and I have no idea what to do!"

She didn’t think anything seemed out of the ordinary when Madoka finally told her that she and Sayaka were dating. If anything, Junko was a tad surprised it took her daughter this long to get together with the bluenette. Sayaka proclaimed Madoka her wife basically every other day, and even when they were kids, she had decided that she would make Madoka her bride one day. And in Junko’s opinion, Sayaka was often a far bit too close to Madoka for someone who Madoka would see as just a friend. Not to mention, Madoka would still manage to blush every single time Sayaka declared it, even making Sayaka pinky promise that they’ll get married one day. It was so ridiculously obvious; Madoka would often even tell the other girl that she wished Sayaka would stop spending so much time their other friends and focus only on her. It also seemed something had changed recently. Madoka had always sent looks to Sayaka that Junko could at worst describe as ridiculously affectionate; lately, though, there was almost an edge to them, like the idea of having Sayaka away from her was a scary thought. Had something happened? Regardless, Junko was happy for her daughter; having someone as determined and protective as Sayaka by her side was good for her daughter; she was more than happy for her.

Junko was a tad surprised when Madoka introduced one Akemi Homura to her for the first time. Even more surprising was that Madoka was apparently also dating this girl. Junko wasn’t very happy that this was the first she was hearing about her, but she seemed like she had a good head on her shoulders. Madoka seemed to adore her, and it was clear as day that even the short responses Homura gave Madoka were so obviously filled with such utter love that it was almost too bright to look at. Madoka beamed at basically every single thing Homura said. And the way Homura would hesitantly reach out only to be grabbed by Madoka was soooo cute! Junko hadn’t expected her daughter to be the one to take the lead in a relationship. Still, she couldn’t help but smile with maybe slightly sadistic glee as she gave this girl the typical grilling every parent has the right to do. Of course, that meant asking where she lived and what her parents’ contact information was. She wasn't expecting to hear that Homura was living alone and that she hadn’t had contact with her parents for years. That stimulated Junko’s motherly instincts to the point that she had to hold herself back from immediately giving her the Kaname house contact info and promising that if she ever needed a parent to talk to or needed anything, to just give them a call. Junko couldn’t imagine how difficult living like that was, without any kind of family by her side.

Junko was starting to get concerned when Madoka introduced one Tomoe Mami as her girlfriend. At the very least, Junko knew who she was. Madoka had told her that she’d been going over to her home quite a few times. And she would always return home with a basket of freshly baked pastries and an adorable “Mama, look at what Mami made for me!” Junko was now realizing that those weren’t just friendly gifts. Madoka even brought them over to Mami’s to have dinner one night. The conversation they had was delightful even if they were interputed every few seconds when Mami would greet Madoka with a soft, warm expression that was filled with so much love. Every single time Madoka would just turn beet red and giggle. It was adorable, though she really wish Madoka would turn down the kissing when she was around. Still, Junko was glad Madoka was dating someone who was seemingly so proper and capable. Junko adored Sayaka, but the girl was indeed a bit reckless, and Homura seemed like a very nice girl, but Junko still had her doubts. Junko couldn’t help but ask if Mami’s mother was into interior design; the entire apartment was beautiful, if maybe still slightly youthful. That was when Mami told her that she had picked out everything herself. Junko was very surprised that her parents allowed her to design the entire apartment herself; that was until Mami hesitantly told her that she had lost her parents in a car accident a couple of years ago. Once again, Junko felt that protective urge. Instead, she reined herself in just barely and settled with telling Mami that her door is always open if she ever needs something.

Junko was convinced that her daughter had a type when Madoka introduced one Sakura Kyoko as her girlfriend. Sayaka now seemed much more like the exception than the rule. Junko did have to admit it was very cute when the harsh expression the redhead wore melted instantly whenever Madoka spoke to her. She went from looking like a mean fox to a blushing schoolgirl whenever Madoka would wrap herself around Kyoko’s arm and lay her head on Kyoko’s shoulder. But still, she hadn’t expected her daughter to bring home a delinquent. Like Homura, she had a duty to make sure this girl was right for her daughter. Especially when this one seemed quite... rough around the edges. Tatsuya seemed to like her a lot at the very least, and despite being a toddler, her son was a very good judge of character. Still, she had to grill her all the same, though she had to make Madoka leave the room since it seemed that Madoka would stop Kyoko’s entire train of thought just by squeezing her hand encouragingly. It really took the fun out of the whole thing. She asked many things: how Kyoko met Madoka, what her intentions were with her; she had heard in passing that Kyoko wasn’t attending school; was that true, what about her parents? Junko, much to her dismay, could honestly say she wasn’t very surprised when Kyoko had told her that she didn’t have any family left. She didn’t go into details, but the point was made. The subject of school would be an issue for another day, and unfortunately the girl gave dodgy answers whenever Junko asked her about her living situation. But while Kyoko did seem rough, she also seemed to truly care incredibly deeply both for her daughter and the girls that made up the rest of their... polycule? That’s what their generation called it nowadays, right? Either way, that was more than enough for her. Still, Kyoko’s last name sounded eerily familiar to the point it bugged her. It wasn’t until she googled her that evening that the pieces clicked into place when she stumbled upon a new article about the Sakura family church. Junko couldn’t restrain herself any longer. The next day, she asked Madoka if she could tell her red-haired girlfriend that if she’d like to spend the night, she was more than welcome to and that they should work on getting her a phone.

Kyubey doesn’t have a say in the matter; Kyoko finds the alien, drives her spear into its head, pins it to a wall, and then just starts going off. She complains that Sayaka is dense as hell, even when she drops the most unbelievably obvious hints possible. Like seriously, she’d literally told her one night that she couldn’t imagine a life without her while curled up in bed with her. And what did Sayaka do? She said “me too dude” and gave her a fucking fistbump? A fistbump???????

Mami was just as stupid. Kyoko had shown up at her doorstep last week carrying an entire spread of pastries from her favorite bakery(that she had paid for) and took her on a picnic date. She had even called it a date! She’d even borrowed Homura’s entirely unused kitchen to make as nice a meal as she could. She had even cut the sandwiches to look like hearts. And Mami just took it as a friendly gesture? A hangout between mentor and student? Seriously????

Madoka had literally introduced her as her girlfriend to her parents when she had gone over to the Kaname’s. She could’ve sworn Tatsuya had even given her a sly smile. And then... nothing? Madoka still hugged like she always did, even held her hand. When Kyoko kissed her on the forehead, Madoka had just giggled and continued walking. Did Madoka just think that’s what friends do? Fucking hell, is that what friends do nowadays? She hadn’t done this whole having friends thing in a while. Was telling your friends you couldn’t live without while cuddling normal? Was taking friends on dates normal??????

No, that couldn’t be, because she had straight-up kissed Homura, on the lips too!!! Kyoko was bumming around Homura’s apartment one night and noticed Homura looked exhausted. So she’d(reluctantly) shut off the TV and carried Homura to bed. Homura had asked her not to leave and had even tugged on her sleeve for her to stay. What was she supposed to say to that??? And the moment felt right, electricity in the air. So she had brushed the fringe from Homura’s forehead and muttered a soft “of course” as she kissed her. Homura had even smiled at her, and they went to sleep together. And after that? Nothing. Right back to the short responses and impassive remarks she had grown accustomed to.

Was Homura straight??? Were they all just straight??? Kyoko checked back on Kyubey, and while it didn’t move, she swore it rolled its eyes at her joke... Little bastard. With a huff, Kyoko finally pulled her spear from his head and walked off, muttering something about dense idiots.

Kyubey didn’t reply and walked off, searching for the next girl it could manipulate into contracting. Until time seemed to stop, a hand was placed on its head, and it could clearly see a shield. And once again it was trapped, this time by one Homura Akemi. Who had now started her own rant about the idiocy of three specific girls, and the idiocy of one pink-haired one (but Homura used much kinder words when talking about her).

Oh gawd every time you think it's over it gers BETTER