All For The Plot

Just realized that I romanticize sadness because it's much more fun than admitting that I might be really lonely. Am I admitting that I'm lonely? Nope. Absolutely not.

And I'm not saying that there's absolutely no chance that I might be lonely. I just don't believe that I am. I have friends, and I love being around them. Matter fact, I love their company so much that sometimes it's suffocating. They just get me. And I feel at home here, with them.

I don't think I'm lonely, I just like attention. That's what I think. Or maybe I just don't know what being lonely is. Either way, I don't think it's what I'm feeling at the moment. I don't wanna talk to anyone, I don't see anyone and I don't really wanna do anything. I just want to be in this constant state of stillness, where everything in and around me, just freezes and I feel still. Numb. Quiet.

A part of me is terrified of what this could mean because as much as this feeling comes and goes pretty often, it's also scary because there was a time in my life where it actually lingered. I was so academically and socially drained that I used to lie just to skip my classes, I stopped talking to my friends and my family, and I just felt really hopeless.

I used to sleep all day, I barely cleaned myself up or ate anything. My pillow was always soaked with tears, and I wasn't even sure what I was crying about. I started having suicidal thoughts. It was a horrible time and I never want to go back there again. My mental health was so terrible, and I had to pull myself out of that place because nobody was going to do it for me. I had to force myself to be okay again, for the sake of my grades and my mental health.

I don't think I've ever really opened up about this to anybody before, and I didn't feel comfortable doing so because I am not good at expressing myself verbally. I guess I've just been so used to being the listener that I forgot how to actually talk about my problems. Plus, growing up as the last born in the family meant that your worries and issues were often going to be overlooked because "what problems could the baby of the family possibly have? " Plus, I knew that my mom couldn't deal with 'another thing', she had enough problems. I'd given her enough problems with my health already.