The crotch-and-chin destroying hell of a toddlerâs carseat
How fucking scary stairs are when you JUST figured out walking. âYou can stand upâ nah fuck that these steps go up to my knees and Iâm top-heavy Iâm gonna scoot down on my ass thank you
Walking alongside fucking giants whose legs are bigger than your whole fucking body and trying to keep up
Not knowing how to blow your nose and everyone expecting you to just figure it out by holding a tissue and saying âblowâ like WHAT DO YOU MEAN CLOSE MY THROAT? Just an absolute snot waterboarding
People describing how to make sounds with your mouth but you canât see inside their mouth when they do it so you kind of just guess over and over while they tell you you still donât got it
Not having a full grasp of language but fully understanding CONCEPTS so you say shit like âare we going to the park later?â When you mean TOMORROW but all you can come up with is shit like âthe next time we have lunch, not today but after today, after thatâ like a fucked up game of verbal post-brain injury Pictionary where people wonât let you get mad about it
Just. Mucus. Mucus and chapped skin, all the time, chin and upper lip. And youâre not supposed to lick it cause the spit is the PROBLEM but itâs fucking OBNOXIOUS. âJust keep the skin dryâ wow thanks Iâve been aware of this mechsuit for about ten minutes and still havenât fully mastered not falling into the toilet but yeah I know how to stay on top of that, cool
Trying to eat at a table where the surface comes up to your chin but not being able to get high or close enough cause you canât scoot your chair in and your hands still donât coordinate good so you end up just spooning tomato sauce onto your lap like an asshole. Like yeah mom my bad, have you considered though that I ALSO donât want me to be covered in sauce? Cool
Adults being WAY too excited about shit that straight up is not worth the hype
Carpet burn. Constant carpet burn. Crawling, tripping, shuffling between toys on the floor. So much goddamn carpet burn
Knowing exactly what youâre talking about and zero people understanding because they think youâre too dumb for what youâre trying to communicate
Being told to wave at or hug complete strangers. And they always smelled kinda weird but you werenât supposed to say it
The feeling of meeting an older kid and they act like theyâre your manager or something
Encyclopedic knowledge and name of every single person in your grade 1 class, and their interests
Stroller rides. You could zone out at the ground for hours I swear to god
Dropping something while buckled into a carseat or stroller and not being able to get it and just resigning yourself to a life in hell
Dropping something while youâre in a carseat and it goes UNDER YOUR ASS and you canât fucking GET IT
Other children getting away with just absolute war crimes. Imagine if Sharon showed up to the office potluck and offered you a cookie and after you ate one revealed that she licked it. Imagine if Gord took your stapler and put it down his pants so you couldnât get it back. Imagine if for no reason at all your coworker told you your dad was stupid and then put your laptop in the garbage
Not remembering what different foods are called and getting pressured into agreeing to food you were NOT FULLY AWARE OF. How the FUCK is a chicken wing different from a chicken strip you ask? âWell, one just has a bone in it!â You fool. You fucking idiot. They might as well be from different animals entirely. But now you gotta eat it cause we donât waste food (hell)
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