I’ve been reading a lot of disclosure posts lately. Posts about whether it’s better to tell earlier than later, posts that say why bother disclosing at all? Many of us got it from someone who didn’t disclose, based off of their being unaware of the virus or based off of them “being a jerk.” I wanted to share my perspective with you all on my experience with disclosing.
Before I get into that, I want to discuss whether or not we are all responsible for disclosing or not. I told you guys about my friend who has HSV1 just like me but who has never had an outbreak and will never tell a soul who carries the virus. Why should she tell? She’s lived her whole life as if she didn’t have herpes, why should she stop now because of a blood test. Does that make it fair for me to not tell? No, because I have mild outbreaks and need others to realize that sometimes you can’t sleep with me, and I’m sensitive. I think it really comes down to what your conscience is going to say at the end of the day.
My personal experience with disclosing is that earlier is better. I’ve told so many people. SO MANY. In casual conversation, in deep conversation. Hey, I’m Kelli and I have herpes. Oh you want to hook up with me? Well you should know I have herpes first. Let’s go drink at the bar, hopefully the asshole that gave me herpes isn’t there. Oh, these are my herpes pills. Well I have herpes and I am probably safer to sleep with than 70% of the people you’d want to fuck. I get tested regularly. No, herpes doesn’t go away. I have it forever. You see, there are two types…
These are the kinds of things I have said to people and will continue to say. Austin was impressed that I was so straightforward. Anthony wanted to have sex without a condom and he isn’t even my boyfriend. A boy JD told me I’m beautiful and that doesn’t matter at all in the grand scheme. This idiot drunken stranger named Bobby at the bar said herpes doesn’t bother him at all and he still wanted to kiss me.
Most the women I talk to know nothing about it or have a friend that has it, or nod and smile and say, it doesn’t change the way I see you. I make jokes about it. I have a bumper sticker on my car that says I GOT VD IN PORTLAND (regarding Voodoo Donuts, but still, how hilarious). Sometimes I worry that people are going to say bad things about me because I am so careless about who I tell. But then I remember, why does it matter? It actually means nothing to me if somebody chooses not to sleep with me or talk to me or be my friend because I have such a minuscule skin condition. FUCK the stigma. Herpes is apart of me. You know what frustrates me? When I tell someone I don’t know very well and they get all uncomfortable and apologize and tell me I didn’t have to tell them that. Like I’m so WEIRD for having a virus that 80% of the United States carries. Sure, I’ll take your apology, it sucks, thanks, but I’m not afraid to talk about it. God forbid adults talk about their private parts! My new roommate told me that her boyfriend gets cold sores, and I said oh yeah, that’s the same exact thing that I have. She was like oh that makes me nervous a little bit. I looked at her and said “Why? You probably already have it anyways.” The bottom line is people don’t think. The only way the stigma is going to end is if we come out of our scared little herpes shells. I understand the fear and the worry. I absolutely still experience those same feelings. Like what would you tell your significant other’s parents? Or your friends parent’s? Or your boss? Those situations are precarious and tricky and it isn’t easy to disclose. But overall, I think putting your herpes vibes out there is for the best. It works for me. It’s like a disclaimer. By the way, I’m awesome and I have herpes. EVERYONE on herpblr has alluded to how hsv helps to weed out the people who are going to judge you and be weird about it. If only we were alive before the pharmaceutical companies came in and took control!!!!! But we’re not. So we have to take control back. Of our bodies and our mouths. So I say to you my herpblrs, try disclosing early if it’s not something you normally do. Just try with someone, maybe a stranger at a bar, and see how it goes. Give it a shot. It won’t always end well but the pressure and the anxiety and the fear can’t stew in your mind and chest once you lay it out on the table. Take it or leave it. Because you know in the end, we are going to end up with people who take it, who love it, who don’t give a fuck if we have herpes or not.
People always asked me why I chopped off all of my hair. I respond “Do you really want to know?” And that gets them excited and interested and ooh yeah yeah they want to know why, how come huh? And my reply is “Because I fell in love with an asshole and he gave me herpes and I wanted to take control of my body back.” I never said that at first. But that was a year ago and in retrospect THAT is what caused me to chop off all my hair. And damn it, I look good.
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