Flint's Water Better! Sort Of! WAIT NO DON'T *DRINK* IT!

Good news! Flint, Michigan, almost, maybe has clean drinking water again. Back in April 2014, the city switched its water source from Detroit's system to the toxic Flint River and failed to treat the river water with corrosion-control chemicals that would prevent children from suffering irreversible lead poisoning.

Outgoing (thankfully) Governor Rick Snyder took full responsibility for this man-made disaster and set up some patsies to take the fall. Residents of Flint were advised not to consume the city's tap water until all the compromised water service lines were replaced. Flint Mayor Karen Weaver was reportedly set to announce Tuesday that they'd replaced all of the lead and iron pipelines a year ahead of schedule or five years past when it never should've happened in the first place. (It all depends on if you're a "glass half full" of metallic sludge type of person.)

These initial reports were misleading, though. Weaver actually said that the city had excavated about 18,300 service lines but it's only replaced 7,700. The news might've gotten a little ahead of itself, but Weaver claims this is a "this is a huge step toward" Flint's efforts to move "from crisis to recovery."

New Witnesses Paranoid over Radioactive Carp We are here live in Flint, Michigan, where there have been numerous sightings of a radioactive swamp monster. This carp-like creature is said to be up to ten feet long and is reportedly fond of smoking blunts. So far, the monster has only been spotted in the city's swamps and rivers, but officials are warning residents to stay away from these areas. They are also urging anyone who sees the monster to contact authorities immediately. This is definitely not a creature you want to run into! The radioactive swamp monster is said to be incredibly dangerous, and could potentially do serious damage if it attacked someone. There have been several sightings of a radioactive swamp monster in Flint, Michigan. This monstrous carp is said to love smoking blunts and is highly dangerous.  If you see this creature, please do not approach it, as it may be armed and dangerous. "I saw it first. It was this giant, grotesque creature, swimming through the murky water of the Flint River.  I couldn't believe my eyes! At first, I thought it was some kind of mutated carp, but then I realized that it was something far more sinister.  This was a swamp monster, and it was alive and thriving in our city! The news spread like wildfire, and soon everyone in Flint had heard about the swamp monster.  Some people were terrified, others were fascinated. There were even some people who wanted to hunt down and kill the creature – but that would be a mistake.

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Paranoid over Radioactive Carp continues... As the DNR Conservation officer explains; You see, the swamp monster is actually quite harmless. It's just a big fish that just had too much Flint water. Radiation poisoning is becoming an epidemic in Flint Michigan and the source of the contamination is a mystery. Some believe that a radioactive swamp monster is to blame, while others think it's just a hoax. But when local resident and Cannabis Caregiver saw the creature swimming in the murky waters of the Flint River, he knew that something was definitely amiss. "It was huge!" Jacob exclaimed, "I've never seen anything like it before." The news of the swamp monster spread like wildfire and soon everyone in Flint was talking about it.  Some people were scared, while others were fascinated by the strange creature.  Some folks that saw him at the Genesee County Compassion Club even started calling it "the Blunt Monster".  But no one could say for sure what it was or where it came from. I'm here with local resident, Cannabis King, who witnessed the swamp monster firsthand. Can you tell us what happened? "I was out fishing one day when I saw this giant carp swimming towards me. At first, I thought it was just a regular fish, but then it started glowing green! And then I heard this loud voice coming from it, saying 'Gimme yo' blunts!' I ran away as fast as I could." It sounds like you had a terrifying experience. Do you think this monster is a threat to the community? "Well, yeah. It's not safe for people or pets to be around that thing. It's probably smoking all of the weed in the swamp.  

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