My Heart Palace

Today I know I’m autistic with many specific needs and boundaries, have longtime PTSD and I’m very social phobic. This knowledge makes things easier.

And even though I’ve lost all of my friends from back then (except MissCherry and Schpog, they are still two very important parts of my life), I don’t leave my house much anymore, I don’t have any social circles and just very few contacts (even digitally), I lost my shop, I have two chronical illnesses, went through so many surgeries (I don’t have any nipples anymore, by the way), am in longtime therapy since many years and in- and out the psychiatry - I feel like I’m at a more stable and relaxed point in my life. Though thinking about all of that is painful.

But I’m also able to see the positive things in my life. I’m so lucky to have my apartment, I’m so lucky to have someone like Schpog in my life (since 17 years now, and we still have so much fun and adventures), I have adorable and very loving dogs, and since a couple of weeks an amazing camper van with kitchen & bed, and I hope I’ll be able to travel with it way more again. I’m also grateful for my very wild ride in the past here on Tumblr, even though I’m cringing hard at some things I’ve said and done, but that’s normal. I mean, that stuff happened a decade ago, I was so young back then...

I also can’t believe how many people turned to me for help back then. Now, looking back, I think I wasn’t really fit to help - but somehow it worked out for (apparently?) many, anyways? And even though I’d kinda like interacting more on Tumblr again, just like in the past, I don’t think I have the energy anymore. Communication has become hard for me, and I don’t want to deal with hate messages anymore. I just don’t have the spoons for them, and especially when they came from past friends, they hurt like hell. Not just because of what they say itself, but because they have so much turmoil in their hearts because of me that they still follow me out of spite and want to hurt me, and this lies so so heavy on my chest.

Maybe also a bit of a general life update, for those who still follow me:

I’m still together with Schpog, we have two dogs (Mabel & Rumo), and after 2 years of freelance artist work (patreon, livestreams, commissions, onlineshop for art prints) and another burnout because of that, we now try to come by with just a bit of Patreon, OnlyFans and a part-time job. We try to go slow, and I think it finally works. We finally have time again to play videogames and watch movies, which we didn’t since I opened my store 10 years ago. All of our jobs are fun for us, and that’s amazing, too. I’m also going to Japanese school (digitally) three times a week, and I plan a big trip to Italy this August, and then a roadtrip through France, along the Côte d’Azur & the Provence, meeting some of my relatives and connecting with my roots. Looking forward to this, too...!