Gremlins: The Novel: The Review

You may remember from the last post that Gerald called Billy a jerk for standing Kate up the night before. After they finish talking about her, she appears:

Kate returned soon after that, but owing to a rush of early customers there was no opportunity to talk. (Not that she seemed so inclined, staring only at the customers in a businesslike manner.)

I love this so. much. Let's break it down. Gipe has to justify how they were able to talk about Kate by demonstrating that she wasn't there. But when she returns, he then has to justify the lack of communication between Billy & Kate - there are just too many customers. Otherwise, couldn't they just sort it out there and then?

Now, in a movie this would all be communicated in a series of glances, so it's possible that it was included in the screenplay and Gipe found himself writing it down - but he didn't need to. He could have left all this out and the reader wouldn't have questioned how Billy & Gerald are able to talk so freely about Kate.

But apart from all that, Gipe uses this [lack of] interaction to further illustrate just how mysterious Kate is. She's not inclined to talk. She just stares at customers in a businesslike manner. She's so aloof. Women are so aloof and unapproachable. Especially when you may have wronged them in any way - am I right, Gipe?

Ok, let's move on to Mrs. Deagle. Because when she arrives at the bank, everything else in this chapter is overshadowed.

After dropping her deposit slip silently in front of him and watching him enter it, she smiled wickedly.

"I thought you might be interested in knowing that I've set a little trap for your nasty dog," she said.

Billy's first instinct is to question Mrs. Deagle further on the trap. She gleefully fills him in:

I know it's going to work because I went to a lot of trouble. It wasn't easy finding someone who hated dogs as much as I do. Especially someone who's invented a perfectly wonderful way to destroy them - from the mind out."

Billy says he could have her arrested, and she pulls her weak heart trick that we see in the movie, "acting very hammy" according to Gipe. She claims that Billy accused her of cashing a bad check, and threatened to have her arrested. Corben & Gerald try to verify this with Billy, but Mrs. Deagle prompts the man behind her instead: "Didn't you hear him say he'd like to have me arrested?"

The man, a comparative newcomer to Kingston Falls was not intimidated by her imperious attitude. "He didn't say he'd like to," he replied. "He said that he could."

But if this guy is able to hear exactly what Billy said, why didn't he correct the falsehood that Mrs. Deagle was trying to cash a bad check? Just as I was wondering this, Gipe fully justified it in the next paragraph. The guy says "Her back was toward me, so I could only hear his side of the conversation. *sigh* fine. Fine, I can't pick holes in that. But I can pick holes in Gipe telling us that the man is a "comparative newcomer" - why is this information included? And check out the purple prose in that same sentence. Hahaha, take that, Gipe!

Mrs. Deagle demands an apology, but changes her mind:

"As a matter of fact, I demand that you fire this impudent loser."

Suddenly Deagle is 14 years old and "loser" is her go-to insult. Mr. Corben hesitates, thinking this "might be a good opportunity to fire him." Oh come on, Mr. Corben, it's not that bad. Billy could have said a lot worse, as in this early draft of the script:

BILLY Mrs. Deagle, I... (He can't do it. He lets out his honest feelings) I think you're an-ugly old fart and I hope you fall down on the ice and break your fucking neck!

This section of chapter 10 opens with Billy counting his change drawer and Gerard saying "Boy, you really are a jerk." - so I guess we must be in the bank. But why is Billy a jerk, Billy wants to know?

"Just give me a bottom line, Ger," he said now, noting with satisfaction that his nemesis still flinched with anger whenever he used the nickname.

Perhaps I haven't highlighted this before, but Billy keeps calling Gerald 'Ger' to wind him up. I'm trying to decide whether the movie version of Billy would use such childish tactics. In the movie, Gerald throws around insults like "putz" and calls Billy "captain clip-on", but Billy seems to be above all that and calmly suffers through Gerald's... personality.

So why is Billy a jerk? Because he stood Kate up, of course. Gerald says that Kate said she didn't need a lift home (or a ride home, if you're American) because she was waiting for Billy - who obviously never showed up. So Gerald waited around for ages and "the madder she got the sweeter I talked. Finally she let me drive her home."

OK, there's a massive problem with this. The last thing Billy says to Kate on the phone when she asks him to meet her after work is "ACCIDENT", which was in response to her saying "“you don’t sound too hot on the idea”. How could she think that he was going to meet her given that interaction?

I hear you second guessing me though - we know that Kate dislikes Gerald's advances. What if she just said she was expecting Billy so that Gerald would go away? Yep, I see your point. But then why would Kate get angry when he fails to show up, and ultimately decide to go home with Gerald? In my opinion, she should have known not to count on Billy, yet she's angry. Perhaps it's all part of Gipe's agenda to paint women as the great unknown...

Childish book-Billy has a sweet comeback for Gerald: "Boy, she must have really been stranded"

Gerard ignored it. "Anyway," he concluded, "now that I've broken the ice, anything can happen. And I aim to see that it will."

"Maybe when Kate comes back," Billy said with a smile, "I'll say that you told me it already has.

The retort caused a sudden rush of fear to glaze Gerald's eyes. Then the fearful expression was superseded by one of craftiness. "No, you wouldn't say that," he said confidently. "That would hurt her and you're too much of a jerk to do that."

What?!? If he was too much of a jerk, that is exactly what Billy would do. I cannot understand Gerald's logic (or Gipe's or Columbus' - whoever was responsible for this dialogue).

Billy's final word on the matter is "Beware of wounded animals, Ger." Zing!

Next post: Mrs. Deagle stirs up some trouble at the bank...

Important Note:

It's been quite a number of chapters since we were inside Gizmo's head, hearing his inner thoughts. He's a bit down right now, because the other Mogwai are beginning a "process of alienation".

How strange it was that a gentle and adaptable creature such as himself should be subjected to prejudice only by his own species.

Wait...does Gipe mean that it wouldn't be strange if Gizmo was subjected to prejudice by other species? It's perfectly normal for gentle and adaptable creatures to be subjected to prejudice by other species, but not by their own. But of course, I run the risk of analysing Gipe too much again. Gipe cannot be understood; one must simply accept.

This is all gold though:

It was at times such as this that he nearly hated Mogturmen, his creator. His genetic miscalculations assured that minority Mogwai, of which Gizmo was one, would be instantly recognised and hated by the majority. Physically they all looked approximately the same; the massive differences were internal, involving character, ambition, desire fir peace. So indelibly were these differences etched in the personalities of every Mogwai that there was no hiding or disguising them. Stripe was barely an hour old when he knew Gizmo was one of them. [Italics Gipe's. Bold is, as always, me]

Did you ever think you'd read such a Mogwaipological paragraph in your life? I have no idea whether this is Chris Columbus' theory of Mogwai, or Gipe's retconning  - but I really like it! But it somehow gets even more interesting when Stripe speaks:

"So," he said coldly, "we've encountered one of the eternal ones. You are that, aren't you?"

"It's not fair that you should be allowed such a long life and we such a short one," Stripe hissed in Mogwai words.

Woah...woah, woah woah, stall the bus! Do you mean to say that Gizmo can't be killed? He's eternal? Does it even matter whether he gets exposed to the sun? Will the other Mogwai die on their own? Ooh, I can't wait to find out more! Neither can stripe:

"What is the reproductive secret?" Stripe demanded. "You saw how we got here, so you must know. We want there to be more of us. If we're doomed to short lives, at least we can spread our species, enjoy the company of our massed millions."

Gizmo won't tell Stripe, and Stripe gets very angry. He also externalises all his thoughts:

"I want to kill you," he said coldly, "But I can't. Something is holding me back."

"It's the one responsible emotion Mogturmen was able to keep in us," Gizmo explained. "We're incapable of killing each other."

This is just the best. If you've been remotely interested in a deeper history and analysis of Mogwai there's no need to wake up - you're not having a wet dream. This is real.

Stripe seems to understand a lot about his own species, but is missing key details. He knows that "there is something that can kill us in large doses, cause us pain in smaller ones" but he doesn't know what it is. He also knows that "We are capable of becoming larger and more powerful" but he doesn't know what causes that. Does he have an inbuilt sense for these things? Gipe doesn't tell us. Gipe always lets us down when we most need him. The most he gives us is that Stripe knows these things "intuitively".

Then, Stripe asks a great question regarding becoming more powerful:

"It's foolish of you to withhold that. Why not use it for yourself at least?"

"Because then I would become one of the majority, with a brief and violent life.

I think we're starting to get a clearer picture now. When Gizmo says their lives will be short, it seems like it's because when they become [spoilers] gremlins they are much too violent and end up getting in all sorts of trouble, bringing death upon themselves. So he is eternal because he's very careful and sensible. That's kinda boring and patronising on Gizmo's part, if you ask me.

Gizmo keeps stonewalling all Stripe's questions, and Stripe becomes more frustrated until:

"Chetz-wubba!" Stripe rasped, swearing in Mogwai.

YES! YESSSS! A Mogwai swear word! Use it everywhere you can, and tell all your friends you know a Mogwai swear word!

Gizmo believes that the rest of the Mogwai will "expire in captivity...under very careful supervision" because Billy is a "very responsible young man" who has "absorbed the Chinese man's wisdom". Argh, which is it Gipe? Will they expire due to naturally short lives, or due to transformation and violence?

Stripe has a plan for getting out of captivity:

"They will be careless, especially now that I've instructed my four partners to be judicious in their choice of pranks."

This is quite a lengthy post, but we're approaching the end of this section so I'll keep going and summarise what happens.

Basically, Stripe comes back later and reports that Clorr is dead. Cool, now we have a name for one of the other Mogwai in the new group! Clorr died due to excess sunlight, so now Stripe has figured out one of the secrets to survival. He pushes Gizmo for more information on the other two (again) but Gizmo won't budge.

"All right," Stripe said, his eyes narrowing. "When we find out on our own, it will make what we do even more enjoyable. And all you'll be able to do is stand by helplessly."

With a sneer he curled himself into a ball and closed his eyes. He was soon asleep, but Gizmo, his mind racked with memories and fears for the future, found no solace the rest of the afternoon.

That's a nice place to leave it for today, with Gizmo in utter despair.

Now that we've dispensed with the Bathroom Buddy gag (two pages in the book; 20 seconds in the movie) we get to the reason for Billy visiting his father's workshop - to explain why there was an oven rack in his father's bed the previous night.

The dialogue is mostly normal for the rest of the page, and ends with Rand saying "Maybe I'd better have a look." The very next sentence is

A minute later, Billy's parents watched as he opened the top of the transporter.

Maybe it's just me, but I like to picture the entire family scrambling to get from the basement & kitchen up to the attic to Billy's room and open the transporter (where the Mogwai are) in less than 60 seconds. I see them there, panting and sweating, while looking at the box in quiet solemnity. But again, this is probably just me.

Inside sat the five new Mogwai, Stripe in the forefront, their faces innocent and liquid-eyed.

Gipe really does have a thing for eyes in this book. He uses them to describe a character's personality, mood and appearance. But it often leads to weird descriptions, like "flashing eyes" or "liquid-eyed" as above.

The Mogwai seem perfectly nice to Billy's parents, which is frustrating for Billy. Gipe has done a lot of over-thinking about why the Pelzers would allow the Mogwai to stay:

They must have decided they didn't like being cooped up in the transporter so they're putting on a good show for you and Dad." His parents laughed. "Are these dumb animals or college professors?" she asked. "They're not stupid, Mom. That's why I think we'll have a lot of trouble if they stay here."

Just to make sure we're covering all the bases, Rand asks why they wouldn't just drop the Mogwai off at an animal shelter. Despite feeling like they'll "have a lot of trouble if they stay here", Billy seems to have changed his mind:

"Because if they're a rare species, they may be valuable," Billy replied.

And here we have money raising its ugly head again. The subtext seems to be that greed will lead to your downfall; Billy wants to keep the Mogwai so he can eventually make lots of money from discovering a new species, which will lead to the town being over-run with gremlins. So clearly he should send them to the animal shelter right? Well no, actually - that would be wrong too. The shelter wouldn't be able to deal with it and it wouldn't be a nice thing to do to an animal shelter. Gipe presents a black & white morality, ignoring the shades of grey, or any other options. 

Lynn comes up with a rock-solid plan for housing the Mogwai:

"All right." Lynn shrugged. "They can stay in Billy's room for the time being, but not in the box. And just in case they get out, I'll shut the bathroom doors and watch them, O.K.?"

Everyone seems happy enough about this, and we end Chapter 9 soon after this.

Rand's in his workroom, which is in the basement. You've seen it in the movie, it looks like this:

Gipe's version is much less pragmatic. Instead of tools and other useful things lining the walls, Book-Rand has lined his walls with portraits of inventors.

Thomas Edison

Eilias Howe

Alexander Graham bell

Samuel F. B. Morse

Guglielmo Marconi

"and perhaps his greatest hero"

Whitcomb L. Judson

Once, when Billy had asked who he was, Rand had waxed eloquent.

Would you like to hear Rand/Gipe wax eloquent about Whitcomb L. Judson? Of course you would!

"These other men made great contributions and were rewarded with fame," he said. "And there's no doubt the phonograph, sewing machine, telegraph and wireless have benefited out society. But where would we be without the zipper? That's what Judson gave us, my boy, only they were called 'universal fasteners' or 'slide fasteners' back in the 1890s when he invented them."

It's like Gipe is inhabiting Rand's body, using grandfatherly phrases like "my boy" and "wireless" (instead of radio). But what of Whitcomb Judson?

Well, the fount of all lies says Judson was "an American machine salesman, mechanical engineer and inventor". And you know what? I'm genuinely impressed. Judson is a perfect match for Rand. I thought when Gipe listed a crowd of famous inventors he'd just have Rand's hero be Edison or someone obvious - but he carefully chose Judson based on the fact that he was also a salesman/inventor and didn't see much success with his inventions during his lifetime. It's kinda heartbreaking when you think about it. 

Remember how I said that nothing until page 103 is in the movie? I was wrong! Rand performs his bathroom buddy sales pitch on Billy. In the movie it's more of a monologue, but Billy engages more with his Dad in the book:

"Say you're a few minutes late before that big meeting. You reach up and touch your chin, and...Oh, no! You forgot to shave. Now what?

"Do a lot of people forget to shave before big meetings?" Billy asked ingenuously.

"Sure," Rand replied. "It can happen."

"But then you'd have to forget to shower or take a bath, too, wouldn't you?"

"Not necessarily. Some people shower or bathe the night before, so they'll save time."

Billy nodded.

Looking pleased with himself, as if he'd won a major point in the battle against ignorance, Rand flipped a switch. A tiny double-edged razor appeared from a slot in the side as if by magic.

Then this happens:

...except it doesn't quite happen as hilariously as this, unless you enjoy rolling your eyes at Gipe.

It was too late. Billy had already touched the button, causing a jet of white cream to head for the ceiling. Nearly dropping the Bathroom Buddy, he leaped aside as the spray ricocheted back down at them.

Thanks for another anti-climactic mishap, George. Although I shudder to think how you would have described off-white gunk spurting and dripping down Rand Peltzer's face.

It's high time I started using page numbers as titles, at least to create a sense of working towards completion! Also, none of the stuff from the previous post until page 103 happens in the movie, so these posts might be short on pictures for a while...

After Billy's run-in with the evil Mogwai in the last section, his parents arrive home "shortly after one o'clock." As I said before, we have no idea where they were. I may have missed Gipe informing us, but that's unlikely. I've been pretty thorough so far, don't you agree? And isn't it weird that he'd leave that out when he's so fastidious about telling us everything else? Here's an example:

"[Rand] brushed his teeth quickly and undressed, eager to experience their bed's softness. Having already folded back the covers, Lynn gave him a little kiss as she went into the bathroom. Rand stretched, sat on the bed, lifted his perennially aching feet and slipped them beneath the sheets."

This is the kind of ridiculous detail I've mostly been sparing you from! Do we care that Lynn had already folded back the covers? Does it matter that Lynn was going to the bathroom and gave Rand a little kiss first? Doesn't it slow us down to picture Rand stretching (picture that for the full 7 seconds it would take him), sitting on the bed (another 3-4 seconds), and putting his feet under the covers? Not to mention the fact that Gipe spares a few extra words for how sore Rand's feet are. It completely breaks any sense of flow.

But never mind all that, something exciting is going to happen to Rand's perennially aching feet!

Suddenly they encountered something cold and hard, causing him to recoil so violently he nearly feel onto the floor.

But you can't find out what it was until the morning! Now it's time to watch Billy get up in the morning! The first thing he does is cast his mind back to the evil Gremlins finally shutting up and falling asleep the night before:

Stripe, the final hold out, had finally given up the ghost with a final snarl and all of them had fallen asleep.

Billy heads downstairs for breakfast and meets his mother in the kitchen. Do you want to know what was in her bed last night? Apart from Rand's aching feet? It was the rack from the oven. It's the most pathetic, pedestrian prank Gipe could have possibly come up with. But I kinda want to try it out on my wife tonight...

Billy's mother assumes Billy pulled this ridiculous prank, but Billy knows who the real culprits are. He decides to talk to his father in his workroom about the Mogwai and the trouble they're causing. 

We left off last time with Gizmo getting wet and reproducing 5 more Mogwai. At the beginning of this chapter, Pete leaves and Billy uses cold hard logic to tel himself he hasn't done anything wrong

The Chinese boy said to keep Gizmo away from water. But the Chinese man also said Gizmo ate rubber washers and cardborad, information that turned out to be false. How could he have known that such a minor oversight could lead to the creation of five new creatures? Although logic was on his side, Billy nevertheless needed time to think.

I really don't think logic is on your side, Billy. Here, I'll out-logic your logic: The Chinese man also said to keep him away from bright lights, and Gizmo hated the camera flash. Also, the rules are rules; the cardboard & washers thing was just an aside. This is definitely your fault, Billy.

Billy's "thinking" leads him down some interesting avenues. He decides to bring a Mogwai to Mr. Hanson as Pete suggests. That's fair enough, but he also wonders

if some laboratories or zoos might be interested, also. Surely in a world filled with thousands of stray cats and dogs it would be possible to find a good place to unload the five new mogwai.

Are these the true inner thoughts of Billy, or is Gipe being preposterous again? Let's go with the latter. However, for all Gipe's preposterousness, I really love how he talks about the new mogwai:

Combative

Aggressive

Gesticulating angrily

Belched grossly

Gizmo is not very impressed by these new mogwai, but Billy wonders if "the downward curl of [Gizmo's] mouth caused by knowledge or merely jealousy?". How badly do you think Billy wants to know what Gizmo is thinking? Well, apparently it would be worth "a week's pay to be able to have a meaningful conversation with his furry friend". Not that badly then...

All this pondering of logic and valuation of hypothetical conversations has left Billy tired, so he drifts off to sleep. Do you want to know what he's dreaming about? Of course you do!

In one nightmare, the Mogwai had continued growing until they were as large as his house; in another, which folllowed immediately, they were spitting fire and hurling bits of flame no larger than jelly beans, which clung to people like napalm.

(In case it's not obvious by now, I tend to embolden pieces of Gipe's writing that are especially off the wall - so the emphasis is very much added)

When Billy wakes up the room is "completely dark". A few sentences later, however, it's revealed that there is a "thin parallelogram of illumination" from outside. Apply your logic to this one, Billy. Gipe said it was completely dark, but then he said there was some light. Which is it, Billy? Was he lying Billy? Did he get it wrong? Did you get it wrong? Did you not notice the light the first time? Did you accidentally let your Mogwai become exposed to water? OBJECTION YOUR HONOUR!!!

Sorry, I got a little carried away there. But I really hate this version of Billy for entertaining the fact that this wasn't his fault. True, he didn't pour water on Gizmo intentionally, but he could at least own up to the fact that the accident could have been avoided. Wait, why do I care? Am I getting carried away again?

Billy gets out of bed and immediately falls over. "His legs were paralysed!" Billy's exaggerating, of course. It takes him several paragraphs to figure out that his legs are simply taped together. Billy surmises that he either slept very soundly or that the Mogwai are "dextrous sneaks".

But that's not all - they've also stuck his posters & comic strips to the ceiling and two of them are guarding Gizmo so he doesn't ruin the prank. Billy takes it well, until he wonders where the other three Mogwai are.

Gizmo directed a glance at the door, for which he received a couple of not-so-playful pats from his brothers. Or were they sons?

That's a really interesting question! But Billy has "no time to ponder it." He tries the door, but it's been blocked with paper & erasers. After wrenching it open, he is "thoroughly impressed with the guile of the new Mogwai." Despite turning on all the lights as he heads carefully down the stairs, Billy steps on "a plastic cup that had been placed on the steps along with several dozen other pieces of china." A plastic cup and several other pieces of china? What? Is china Gipe's word for crockery? Does he think china is made of plastic?

When he gets downstairs he discovers the Mogwai shredding paper, balancing packages in a pyramid and watching a rerun of "Gilligan's Island" - because Gipe doesn't know the names of any modern TV shows.

Billy spends a few paragraphs thinking about how to gather the Mogwai up and take them upstairs. He decides to put them in a dog transporter, which has a lid. He grabs the one watching TV "firmly beneath the tummy" (so his crotch then?) and puts him inside. I won't bore you with the details of how he catches the rest. It's really boring, honestly. But rest assured that he is "undismayed" when they chatter angrily at him.

By this time it's midnight, and Billy realises he's missed his date with Kate. In case you don't remember, she said she'd be finished work at 11 and then he was distracted by the water spill and didn't finalise his plans to see her.

Let's check the timeline here. From what I can guess:

5pm Billy comes home

5:05pm Orane Juice Incident

5:10pm Pete arrives

6pm Kate calls, talks scuttlebutt, offers a date at 11pm

6:10pm Water accident, Billy hands up on Kate

7pm Pete leaves. Billy meditates using FLAWLESS LOGIC

7:30pm Billy falls asleep

10pm Billy wakes up to pranks. He gup the Mogwai and tidies the house

12pm Billy looks at the clock; he's missed his 11pm date with Kate

He wondered if she'd even come close to hearing an excuse such as the one he would have to give if limited to nothing but the truth - that he'd been taped up and otherwise harassed by five strange beings who'd been born that very day when some water fell on Gizmo's back.

NO BILLY! You slept for FOUR AND A HALF HOURS. You've left that out of your "truthful tale"! If you hadn't slept they wouldn't have pranked you and you wouldn't have had to spend two hours sorting out the mess! And if you had been more careful with your paintbrush water none of this would have ever happened! Take some responsibility, for goodness sake!

We're right in the middle of some ACTION here, so let's go!

Gizmo is wet. That's bad. He's screaming and a crackling sound is coming from his body, "forming a hideous counterpoint with his pitiful cries." Five huge spots have formed on his back. What are they like? Gipe has some great similes for us!

like mountainous blisters

like miniature volcanos

but then all 5 mogwai are reproduced and the blisters start to disappear

like time-lapse photography of a wound healing

Pete declares all this to be better than 'Twilight Zone' - Gipe puts this in quotation marks and doesn't bother with the definite article - and then suggests that "maybe they're good to eat." He also asks if he can have one, which he also does in the movie. Kids these days, in the 80s, are so rude.

Gizmo looks at Billy "reproachfully" (like this:)

Meanwhile the rest of the mogwai are growing up and Billy can see that there's something different about them:

There was something strange about the expression on their faces and in their eyes. Though younger than Gizmo, they seemed less innocent. There was a craftiness there Billy had never seen in Gizmo's large brown eyes.

(Like this:)

The new Mogwai are pretty mean all right. In the movie, after stripe bites him, Pete withdraws and doesn't want to interact with the Mogwai any more. In the book, however, he is the one who suggests bringing a mogwai to Mr Hanson (the science teacher) and even says "We could be rich and famous" - which is a payoff from page 79. I know, it's a long time ago.

Billy is not so excited about these new mogwai. He worries about all sorts of things, including what he would say to his Mom & Dad, and the prospect of mogwai reproducing like tribbles.

The chapter ends by spinning all this as a cautionary tale for all you money-makers out there:

Where were we?

Pete & Billy are coming up the stairs, and Gizmo is watching "an old movie with Clark Gable as a racing car driver...with intense interest, almost as if he were a human being", just as in the movie. Unlike the movie, however, Gizmo is in a cage.

Pete doesn't notice Gizmo initially, instead focussing on the dresser.

On the dresser was a miniature suit of armor, and farther on, a big drawing table covered with pens, pencils, erasers, a large green paper cutter, paintbrushes soaking in cans, and a stack of drawings with an elaborate title page reading The Secret of the Dragon's Lair.

I love that we find out that the paper cutter on the dresser is green. It's the little details like this that set Gipe's work apart from other novelisation writers of the time.

The Secret of the Dragon's Lair drawings were created by Billy. Pete is astonished: "'Golly', he said. 'You're really good'". Billy mumbles something about needing to "smooth out those colors", whatever that means, and he's mercifully spared from having to receive any more praise by the interruption of Gizmo's chirping.

Summarising quickly, Pete spots Gizmo and is amazed. He asks about Gizmo's origin (Chinatown is the answer, not another planet), and wonders if he always stays in the cage. Apparently he's only there while Billy's in work, so he doesn't "get into things."

Suddenly, Kate phones Billy and proceeds to "tell him some more scuttlebutt she had picked up at Dorry's Pub concerning Mrs. Deagle's plan". Hey you guys, wanna learn something? Scuttlebutt is an old-man word for gossip or rumour. which derives from sailors chatting around a scuttled butt - much like we gather round a water cooler today. A butt is a cask that holds water, and when it's scuttled it has a hole in it so the water can be poured out. This may not be true because I read it in Wikipedia just a moment ago. CLASS DISMISSED.

Billy kicks back and enjoys the phonecall as he hands Gizmo to Pete. 

He liked being her secret ally in the war against Mrs. Deagle, even if he had no idea what to do to thwart her takeover plan.

Then the unthinkable happens.

Kate practically asks Billy for...a date! He begins to stammer and mumble. Gipe's version of Kate is a hard taskmaster, and she immediately begins saying things like "you don't sound too hot on the idea" and "If you can't make it, it's all right."

Then the unthinkable happens.

Pete knocks a paint can full of soaking brushes, sending "a mass of water slopping over the rim...toward Gizmo's back!" A whole paragraph is dedicated to Billy seeing this happen in slow motion before his eyes while he's still on the phone. This next line is one of my favourites in a long time:

Billy shouted "accident!" into the telephone, hung up, and hurling himself across the room, tried to wipe the beading water from Gizmo's body.

I don't know why I find that weird/funny. I've never been in this situation, so I don't know what I'd shout at that moment. Maybe "Accident!" would be it...

Woo, only 200 pages left! This is my 30th blog post reviewing this book. So there's maybe another 70 blog posts to go? We're just getting started...

Last time we finished with Kate & Billy getting caught "snooping" by Gerald in the bank. They don't really get a chance to talk about it for the rest of the day, so Billy heads home to check on Gizmo. He's fine. 

Now, you may remember this part of the movie:

I think this is a pretty funny set-piece. And guess what - it's in the book too! Shall we see how Gipe describes the scene?

The appliance immediately began to shake and make gurgling noises. Billy moved several feet away, experience having taught him that Dad's machines often had a way of giving one an impromptu shower. This time, however, it seemed to be working. From the bottom of the device a perfectly dry spiral of rind slowly unwound itself.

What an anticlimax! I was really looking forward to how Gipe would describe this scene,given his proclivity for describing excessive gunge in situations like these.

But fear not - Gipe still wrings some humour out of the orange situation:

"Where's the orange?" he demanded, turning the machine on edge, shaking it, hitting its sides. "It's supposed to be in the top," his mother said. "No," he replied. "It's not there. The darn thing peeled the orange and then ate it itself." "Maybe that's what it's supposed to do," Lynn laughed. "It's an automatic orange-eating machine." They were still giggling a moment later when a knock sounded at the front door.

I'm sure we all shared that single moment of giggling as we read the uproarious tale of the orange that wasn't there.

The knock at the door was from Pete, who arrives with a Christmas tree (as in the movie). Lynn excuses herself to trim the tree before Rand arrives home to try out his machine that "hangs the tinsel automatically." Billy & Pete go upstairs for Pete's introduction to Gizmo. On the way up the stairs, though, we have time for some more dating advice!

Last time Pete asked for dating advice from Billy, he was quite coy about who he was interested in. This time, he reports that he called up "Mary Ann Fabrizio" and asked her for a date. 

"Yeah? How'd it go?" Billy asked. "Well, I was all ready to be smooth and confident, just like you said. But when she answered, I couldn't remember my name." "So I said 'wrong number' in a real high voice and hung up," Pete continued. "Maybe I'll try again in a couple of days. Give her time to forget the voice."

So it didn't go very well. Billy reiterates that Pete should "try to remember that you're doing her a favour." and they continue up the stairs.

After the strongly comic beginning, chapter 8 becomes a run of the mill description of Gizmo falling in the "wastepaper basket" (again, nice work on the localisation, Avon books). He hurts his head, and Billy bandages it, and then we get some hand-wringing as Billy & his mother contemplate bringing Gizmo to a vet.

But this is boring. Let's get to the good stuff!

Suddenly Billy is arriving at work. There's no mention of him heading out the door or anything - check this out:

"Thanks, Mom." He arrived at work early, a habit he'd taken up since the incident with Mrs. Deagle."

Ok, fine, we'll roll with it. Billy's at the bank. Now it's time for the Mrs-Deagle-is-evicting-everyone sub-plot!

Kate & Billy discover a map of Kingston Falls in Roland Corben's office (the bank manager, in case you forgot). Kate explains that people who are behind on rent payments to Mrs. Deagle have their houses marked in red, meaning that they can be quickly taken over due to "something about options" (I like to picture her saying this with a dismissive hand wave). Even Billy's house is marked in red. Billy says "Dad's not that far behind in the payments. Just one or two." because apparently it's ok to owe two months rent to a landlord?

But why would Mrs. Deagle want to "take over" so many houses? Why, to sell the land to an enormous company like "Hitox Chemical". Yup. Hitox. As in Highly Toxic. Can you fathom how entirely evil this company must be? Mrs. Deagle has been having evil meetings with the evil president of Hitox Chemical, so she must be very evil indeed. Billy drives the point home by saying "It's like a big Monopoly game to her, we're just pieces of paper to buy and sell." This is yet another case of Gremlins portraying villains as greedy for money, and heroes as broke but well-meaning. Both the movie and the book preach this message, but the book is obviously more heavy-handed, having been written by George Gipe. Kate declares, "We've got to stop her, Billy."

While Billy & Kate are "bent over the map", Gerald Hopkins has been quietly entering the room. When he makes his presence known, and Billy & Kate turn to look at him, their expressions are "surprised and discomfited", which is Gipe putting it mildly for once. He accuses them of "Snooping, eh?", which is such a delightful old-man word to use. Less delightful, however, is the paragraph following:

"Mr. Corben doesn't like snoopy employees," Gerald said as he slowly took off his coat and hung it in the closet. Enjoying the game of cat and mouse, he looked at Kate through narrowed eyelids. "But maybe I don't have to tell him," he added meaningfully."

Wait...does he mean...?

Kate didn't answer. "You busy tonight?" Gerald asked.

Ewww. What a horrible character book-Gerald is. Movie-Gerald is pretty stuffy, probably a bit desperate and lonely, but not like this. Thankfully, Gipe doesn't have Billy jump in to save Kate. She has an excellent comeback:

"I'm busy every night," she replied. With a toss of her head, she stormed out of the office.

Gerald watched her go. [probably with "lustful, smoldering eyes"] Then, turning to face Billy, he forced a smile.

"I like her," Gerald said. "She's tough. Just like me." "Just like you, Ger," Billy repeated derisively.

The beginning of chapter 8 ties up some loose threads. Threads which the movie simply left dangling like Forrest Gump from trees. Finally, after my years of wondering, George Gipe has answers for my quesetions:

When exactly does the gremlins movie take place?

Well, according to Gipe, there are "a few days remaining before Christmas" at this point. We're about to meet Roy Hanson, the science teacher. This is much earlier than we meet him in the movie, but that gives us a nice chance to explore his backstory!

"[He had] become only the second black teacher in Kingston Falls. Now, at thirty-four, he was recognized as one of the best biology and natural science instructors in the area."

Wait, why are the kids still at school if Christmas is just around the corner?

Yes, it seems like Gipe had the same question as he wrote the book. Here's his (rather well thought out, actually) explanation:

"Because of a heavy snowfall in November, which had canceled classes for nearly a wek, the pre-Christmas vacation had ben sortened by two days"

Okay, that's settled. But how does Roy Hanson feel about things like corporal punishment?

"He was a teacher with whom few students messed. Corporal punishment in the public schools was a thing of the past, of course, but at times Hanson could be so aroused by an uncooperative student that some wondered if there might not be a one-day revival."

And why might he be interested in looking at a new animal species Billy might bring him later in the book?

"He decided to abandon their study of the circulatory system of the frog in favor of an illustrated talk he had worked up dealing with "new" animals. It was a pet (so to speak) topic to which he had dedicated considerable research."

But of course, after Gipe answers all the questions I've (n)ever wanted to know, he presents me with new ones. Pete Fountaine asks, "Is it worth anything if you discover a new animal?" A massive discussion happens in class, which makes Mr. Hanson feel good about his "new" animals presentation, and makes Pete feel good about having started the discussion with his question. But what I want to know is, why is Pete so fascinated with discovering new animals? Pete doesn't even know about the existence of Mogwai yet. In the movie he meets Gizmo and then goes to school. In the book he attends this class, then he goes to visit Billy. Apparently he has this fascination with financial gain for discovering new species even before he "discovers" Gizmo. Am I supposed to believe this is just a coincidence?

Finally it's time for Rand to be reunited with his family (after 60 book pages and 16 movie minutes). In the movie, when Rand arrives home he's humming Deck the Halls, fa la la la etc. In the book it's similar, but something is slightly off:

"Silent night, holy night!" he sang, giving the old song an uncharacteristically upbeat tempo. "Fa la la la la, la la la la!"

and later:

"Sleep in heavenly peace! Fa la la!"

Does Rand not know that he's mashing up two completely different songs? Does Gipe not know this? Do they both know it, but they're just trying to be humorous and "ebullient"? (Gipe's word) I don't know what to believe any more!

Gipe spends a page on family greetings and Rand trying to get the lights dimmed, only for the bulb to shatter and the room to be over-dramatically "gripped by darkness". Finally we're at the point where Billy meets Gizmo. The description isn't too crazy, but I think it's important to include it here in full:

The creature was predominantly brown and white, about eight inches tall with long pointed ears and huge brown expressive eyes. Standing upright like a human being, its body was covered with fluffy fur except for bare spots at the ends of the ears, the extensions of its four-fingered hands, and a quadrilateral space for a moist pug nose and a wide mouth resembling that of an elderly gentleman enjoying the luxury of not wearing his dentures.

Ok, I'll admit it got pretty crazy towards the end there. But it somehow gets even crazier when Lynn comments on the Mogwai:

"It looks like something from Australia...Or Red China. They have a lot of animals there that can't get visas."

She continues to show concern about house training, rabies shots and papers, but Rand tries to placate her by saying he had to sneak Gizmo onto the plane. After quite a bit of back and forth, everyone becomes more relaxed including Gizmo, who starts singing. "Only the four legged creature remained aloof and in the background." By which I guess Gipe means Barney the dog.

Most of the rest of the chapter continues as in the movie. The camera flash, the explanation of the rules - until Rand tells Billy that Gizmo ate a washer, according to the Chinese man. This is something that has only been discussed in the book (waaay back in chapter 1), so naturally the reader is curious to know what Gizmo will do if his new owners try to feed him non-food. Billy offers him a piece of cardboard:

Gizmo sniffed at the pulpy white mass. Many years before, on a whim, he had decided to humor the Chinese man by eating a tasteless object. He had enjoyed seeing the old man's pleasure and, fortunately, it was a pleasure that was not perpetrated on him very often. That was because the Chinese man had a sense of responsibility and self control. Rapidly assessing his new situation, Gizmo doubted seriously that these people would be able to restrict themselves quite as well. If he gave in to them now, before long they would have him eating every insipid piece of junk they could find, just to have a laugh. No, clearly this was the time to train these new owners and train them right. Turning aside, he refused to have anything to do with the cardboard.

So they feed him meat loaf instead, and everybody's happy. The chapter ends with a sombre environmental message:

Have you ever watched Gremlins and wanted to know more about Lynn Peltzer, Billy’s mother? of course you have!

Grew up in a suburb of Pittsburg

Fair normal child of a middle class family

Enjoys picking presents for other people

Not especially religious

Feels an extra twinge of nervousness around Christmas time

remarkably well-preserved for forty-seven.

Reasonably content with life

A fighter

Lynn wondered how she would have handled herself if, not having been born several decades too soon, she had been drafted into the army and asked to fight for her country. Surprisingly, the idea intrigued rather than repelled or frightened her.

25 years ago, “when they were married”, Rand & Lynn thought that Rand’s inventions would get his face on the cover of time magazine. He saw himself as “another Thomas Edison, and to that end he forthwith applied himself”, but his inventions only seemed to cause damage. And he keeps giving them away as Christmas presents. It’s at this point in the story that Gipe takes great glee in detailing Rand’s various inventions, and the disasters they caused:

An automatic “painless” ear-piercing device (Lynn ended up in hospital)

An improved fingernail polish remover (“caused something strange and crusty to grow on her nails”)

pineapple parers

automatic shoe buffers

cleaning poles

fish cleaners

You may not think all this is strange, because in the movie we do see that Rand’s devices are clearly disastrous. But you may have missed the line where Lynn says “Dad’s machines…they work so well the first couple of weeks”.

Despite all this, “She loved the big guy and if he ever gave up this quirky habit, it would kill her. Such feelings of love, however, did not cause her to flinch less as the annual day of present-giving approached.” This is not the first time Gipe has overstated the importance of presents to Christmas. 

Bear in mind that all this backstory is 3 pages long. Finally, Billy arrives home and the slam of the door knocks the sword off the wall, as he does in the movie. Then we’re treated to a paragraph explaining the sword-holder

"Anybody can drive a nail into the wall and hold up those swords," [Rand] had argued, "It takes a genius to create a decorative holder that doesn’t damage the plaster."

Billy joins his mother in the kitchen, and they talk about Mrs. Deagle. In the movie, this lasts for one line (“Mrs. Deagle called again this afternoon”) and then Rand comes in the front door. In the book, the Mrs. Deagle conversation is thankfully embellished. Lynn accuses Billy of provoking Mrs. Deagle, and he defends himself by saying “Did she tell you I saved one of her cats from being run over by a car?” Now technically, that’s not true Billy. The cat was sitting “beneath the front wheel” of the only police car in Kingston Falls, while the sherrif and his deputy shouted at it to get out of the way. The cat was in no danger of being run over when Billy picked it up and brought it back to Mrs. Deagle. But it’s true that he did her a favour, so she is being pretty mean.

We left off with Gerald being a jerk to Billy in Dorry's Bar/Pub/Tavern. Kate comes over to take their drinks order, and comments on Billy's drawing:

"Do I sense some hostility there?" she murmured slyly. "Hostility but no talent," Gerald countered. "I think it's good," Kate said. "Then you're still into comic books," Gerald sneered.

Hey - leave comics alone, you jerk!

They move on to have a discussion about something that was only explained in one line in the movie. In the movie, Kate is volunteering at Dorry's "so Dorry doesn't have to pay an extra waitress." In the book there is plenty of elaboration: "Dorry's got to save as much money as he can or Mrs. Deagle will close down this place pretty soon." Which is weird, because I was under the impression that they needed was to have it declared a landmark so that Mrs. Deagle can't close it when the lease expires. There was no mention made of saving money. What kind of game is Dorry playing?

Dorry threatens his volunteers with "the look"

Gerald takes a hard line on this charity: "It's dumb economically...if a business can't make it without help from charity, it deserves to go under." Of course, Kate doesn't take this very well, so Gerald decides now is the time to turn on the charm. See if you can spot where this differs from the movie:

Gerald reached out to touch her arm. "Hey, Kate," he said. "You haven't seen my new apartment." "I haven't seen your old apartment," she countered. "That's right," he retorted. "The lights were out." Seeing the fire in her eyes, Gerald laughed elaborately.

He goes on to invite Kate for dinner, but she refuses and she leaves the scene. Gerald watches her "with smoldering, lustful eyes."

Then Gerald suggests something crazy. He asks Billy if Kate and Dorry have "got something going on". Billy laughs and says "He's in his forties, maybe old enough to be her grandfather." Let's imagine Kate is 18. Even if you allow for pregnancy at 13 years old, the absolute youngest her mother could be is 31. The oldest her grandmother could be is 44. So I guess it's technically possible for a 40-something to be old enough to be Kate's grandfather, but it's not the first thing I would say about the age difference. Nevertheless, we get it - Gerald just can't believe people would do something out of charity. Our heroes are nice people who do nice things for other people; the (human) villains are selfish and out to make money. This story really drives that point home in various ways.

This chapter finishes with Kate smiling at Billy as he leaves the bar.

It was chilly outside, but during his walk home Billy hardly felt it.

You know, I think that's kind of nice. I don't know why, but that kinda pulls at my heart strings. It's a nice simple sentence. It's poetic without steering towards the purple prose Gipe is susceptible to.