Actual Sex Ed Questions I Have Been Asked By Actual Teenagers
There are few things that bring out the “judgey” in people quite like unplanned pregnancies or sexually transmitted infections. People who avoided both of these things through sheer luck alone often feel perfectly justified in sneering at people who took the same risks that they did, but with different results. And while most people are willing to accept that there’s a connection between socioeconomic status and things like graduation rates, incarceration or future income, suggesting that there’s a connection between “growing up poor” and “getting pregnant young” will often get you an eye roll and a preachy lecture about “keeping your legs closed”.
I spent two years working at an educational non-profit for homeless teens and young adults, where the pregnancy rate was through the roof and STIs were rampant. When some of my friends and acquaintances rolled their eyes at all the girls with baby bumps coming in and out of my office, I tried to explain that most of the teens I worked with had never had access to comprehensive sexual education, even in progressive Canada, because many of them had missed huge chunks of school due to the general chaos in their lives. Even the internet wasn’t that helpful; most of my clients only accessed the internet at public library computers, where looking at pictures of genitals is both embarrassing and frowned upon. And besides, these kids had no idea that there were gaps in their sexual education - you’re not going to Google something that you’re pretty sure you’ve mastered. They didn’t know enough to understand that there were things they didn’t know. But when I tried explaining this to people, I got a whole lot of “Safe sex isn’t that hard! There’s nothing to know that they can’t figure out for themselves, they’re just being careless!”.
I could quote statistics all day long for why comments like that aren’t helpful, but instead of rattling off numbers, I thought it would be more interesting to demonstrate the enormous education gaps that a person can get without access to comprehensive sex ed by showing you some of the very real questions that I answered during my time working with homeless youth. Many of these are questions that can absolutely make the difference between pregnant/non-pregnant and STI/no STI, and many of them are not things that people instinctively know. You might be surprised by how many you yourself don’t know the answer to.
I forgot to take my birth control pills for three days in a row. Does that mean I should take three pills today?
No. Do not do this. This is a great way to make yourself feel crappy, and a terrible way to prevent pregnancy. The most days you can miss and still “fix” the situation yourself is 2 days in a row - usually, you will need to take your forgotten pill as soon as you remember, or take 2 pills for 2 days before resuming your normal schedule. Check the directions on the package, there will be instructions for catching up on 1 or 2 missed days. Once you have missed 3 or more days in a row, however, you need to call your doctor or pharmacist for instructions. They may instruct you to resume taking the rest of the pills in the package at a rate of 1 per day and use condoms for a couple of days, or they may instruct you to throw out the remainder of the pack and start from the beginning of a new one. It depends on the type that you are on, and where you are in your cycle. Don’t be embarrassed, this happens all the time. Call for instructions.
I took my birth control an hour late. Does that mean it’s not going to work as well?
“Combined-hormone” birth control - the most common type of birth control pill - actually has a 2-hour grace period. As long as you take the pill within two hours of the time you took it the previous day, you should have no increased risk of pregnancy. If you are on progesterone-only birth control pills, timing is a lot more important, and you really should aim to take it at the exact time every day. If you are more than 2-3 hours late taking your birth control pill, you should use condoms for the next couple of days, just to be safe.
My boyfriend says he’s too big for regular condoms but my friends say he’s full of shit. Is it even possible to be too big for a normal condom?
Health teachers have been shaming males who cry “I’m too big” for years by stuffing entire feet and forearms into standard-sized condoms to prove how much they can hold. The vast majority of guys who claim to be “too big” are full of shit, and can use regular condoms just fine. There are, however, a few exceptions. If your guy is in the ~7.5 inches and up range (which would put him in roughly the top 2nd or 3rd percentile for size), then you should size up to a condom intended for larger penises. Using a regular condom on a very large penis actually carries a higher risk of condom breakage, and may cause discomfort for him. I had an ex-boyfriend who genuinely could not use any brand of condom except for Trojan Magnum XLs, and Durex XXLs (prayers for my cervix are appreciated). Guys like this are rare, but it happens. It’s worth noting, though, that if your guy is not spectacularly endowed, you should not be using these condoms to boost his ego. Using a condom that is too big carries a risk that it will slip off inside you during sex (this applies to both vaginal and anal sex). If your guy is well below average, you should be using a condom designed for smaller penises instead of a standard condom (these condoms are usually marketed as “tight fit” condoms, or a similar euphemism). However, if you are in the heat of the moment with a guy who is at either end of the size spectrum and a normal sized condom is all that is available, “ill-fitting condom” is better than “no condom”.
How do I know if I have HPV?
Generally, you don’t, and you may never find out, especially if you are biologically male. There is currently no test for HPV, and unless you have the kind that causes genital warts, you won’t know that you have HPV until you get an abnormal pap smear or a cancer diagnosis. HPV is so common, though, that if you are a sexually active adult over the age of 26 who did not receive the HPV vaccine, statistically, you are going to contract HPV at some point in your lifetime.
I didn’t get the HPV vaccine when I was a teenager, and now I’m in my early 20s. Is it too late to get it?
Nope! You can get yourself vaccinated against HPV up until the age of 45. In general, though, the vaccine is most effective if you get it before you become sexually active for the first time - the CDC recommends that you get it at age 11 or 12. If you are in your 40s and you are sexually active, there is a good chance that you already have HPV. Still though, there’s a chance that you haven’t got it yet, and the vaccine may be worth looking into.
I’m a gay man with a latex allergy. Should I use membrane condoms?
No. There’s no point. Membrane condoms (also marketed as “lambskin”, “sheepskin” or “natural” condoms) can prevent pregnancy, but they do not prevent the spread of diseases. They are useful for couples who are only concerned about preventing pregnancy. They are not useful for gay men. You need a synthetic, non-latex condom like a polyurethane condom (often marketed as “bareskin” condoms) to prevent disease. The good news is, these condoms are getting easier and easier to find - they are thinner than latex condoms without a significantly increased risk of breakage, and even people without latex allergies are starting to use them for the improved sensation.
Can I still have sex while I have a yeast infection?
Please don’t. Sex during a yeast infection can be painful, and the irritation and inflammation can actually make your infection last longer. Plus, you risk passing your yeast infection on to your partner. Ideally, you should wait a few days after the infection clears up to start having sex again - having sex immediately after the symptoms cease can cause your yeast infection to return.
What is a micropenis? How small can a penis be and still be “average”?
Okay. Let’s get something super clear here. There is not a lot of variation when it comes to penis size. The vast, vast majority of men fall within a very narrow range of sizes. Specifically, 95% of men have a penis that is between 3.87 and 6.44 inches when erect. 66% of men are between 4.52 inches and 5.82 inches erect. If you have a penis, it is probably pretty similar to what everyone else is working with. A “micropenis” is defined as a penis that is 2.75 inches or smaller when erect, and only 0.6% of males have one, usually in conjunction with a genetic or hormonal disorder. The vast majority of men who consider themselves to have a “micropenis” do not actually have one - they are usually overweight men on the low end of average, and the excess fatty tissue on their mons pubis makes their penis appear smaller than it actually is.
Can guys orgasm without ejaculating?
Yes. This is called a “dry orgasm”, and it’s not uncommon. It is also possible to ejaculate and/or achieve orgasm while flaccid, just in case you were wondering what other strange tricks the penis is capable of. If you are consistently experiencing dry orgasms on a regular basis, you should probably see a doctor - this can be a sign that there is something wrong, and it may have a serious impact on your fertility if you do ever want to get someone pregnant. If it’s happening occasionally, though, it’s usually nothing to worry about. Some men actually prefer the sensation of dry orgasms, and will take steps to have them on purpose (if this is your goal, I hope you like pelvic floor muscle exercises). Male biology is not as simple as we usually make it out to be - men are still capable of orgasm and sexual pleasure even if the penis is lost or rendered non-functional by illness, accident or disability.
My penis curves downward when I’m hard. Is this normal?
Yep. I have no idea why we aren’t more open about this, but it’s normal for a penis to not be perfectly straight - penises often curve slightly up, down, left or right. The human body is weird, and penises are no exception. Pornography seems to prefer upward-curving or straight penises, but guys with downward curving penises are perfectly normal. As long as everything feels normal and you aren’t experiencing any pain, you’re probably okay. If you are experiencing pain or discomfort during intercourse, painful erections, difficulty having intercourse due to the bend in your penis, or if the bend in your penis is new or getting worse, you should talk to a doctor - you may have a condition called Peyronie’s Disease, where scar tissue forms inside the penis. This condition requires treatment, so it’s important to get checked out if you think that something might be wrong.
How long is it supposed to take to reach orgasm?
Depends on what kind of equipment you’re working with. On average, if you’ve got a penis, it should take around five minutes, and if you’ve got a vagina, well, you’re looking at a time range of about 20 minutes. There are, however, a lot of things that can impact the time it takes you to climax, including nervousness, tiredness, stress, medication, or how well your partner knows your preferences. Being on anti-depressants will cause you to take much, much longer to achieve orgasm, or you may not be able to climax at all. In general, you should try not to stress out about how long it takes you to orgasm. Everyone’s body is different, and everyone has off-days. Worrying or being self-conscious about your timing will only make things more difficult; try to relax and enjoy the journey.
Is Plan B the same as an abortion pill?
No, it’s not. The TV show Black Mirror got itself in some trouble when it mixed these things up in season 4, because they are two completely separate things. You are considered “pregnant” when a fertilized egg implants itself into your uterine lining. An emergency contraceptive prevents this from happening. An abortion pill, on the other hand, causes your body to miscarry after this has already happened. No pregnancy is lost when you take Plan B, because you take it before a pregnancy exists. Emergency contraceptives prevent your ovaries from releasing an egg so that fertilization cannot occur, or if an egg has already been released, they prevent fertilization and implantation from occurring. Emergency contraceptives should be taken within 72 hours of the sexual encounter, but for best results, they should really be taken within the first 12 hours. If you are overweight or obese, or if you’ve missed the 72 hour window but you are still within 5 days, over-the-counter emergency contraceptives may not work for you - you should visit a clinic to obtain a prescription emergency contraceptive. It’s also worth noting that a copper IUD is the most effective emergency contraceptive available; if you are looking to both deal with the emergency at hand and prevent further emergencies, it may be worth visiting a clinic to have one implanted. Abortion pills can only be taken after a pregnancy has been confirmed, and they must be taken within 10 weeks of conception; after this, surgical termination is required if you wish to abort.
I didn’t bleed when I lost my virginity, is that normal?
It’s perfectly normal! As a culture, we’ve been taught to believe some pretty strange things about women’s hymens. We’re made to think of the hymen like some kind of “freshness seal” on the vagina - most people think that it completely covers the opening of the vagina until a woman has sex for the first time, when the penis bursts through it like you’re breaking the tamper-proof foil on a bottle of Tylenol. That’s not at all how it works. For starters, the hymen does not completely cover the opening of the vagina - if it did, your period blood wouldn’t be able to leave your body. The hymen is actually a thin, crescent-shaped membrane that partially covers the vagina. Some women have thinner, stretchier or smaller hymens than others, and some women are born without any hymen at all. Your hymen naturally gets thinner and thinner as you age, and it can easily be broken by physical activity like gymnastics, or by the use of tampons. Even if you did have an intact hymen when you had sex for the first time, those things are stretchy - you can have sex without breaking it, and as many as 52% of sexually active teen girls still have intact hymens. And what people people don’t realize is that hymens can heal themselves. It is possible to tear your hymen more than once during sex, and have it re-heal. Even if you do bleed during your first intercourse, it’s not necessarily blood from a torn hymen - if you are nervous during your first time, you likely won’t lubricate very well, and the blood may be from friction or irritation or your vaginal walls.
Is losing your virginity always painful for girls?
No. This is a weird myth that we all seem determined to keep spreading, probably to let teenage boys off the hook for being lousy and inconsiderate to their female partners. Your first penetration does not have to cause pain - in fact, it shouldn’t. Pain is a sign that you are not relaxed enough or turned on enough for sex. Before having sex for the first time, you should be spending a lot of time on foreplay and relaxation. Whatever you think is a “reasonable” amount of time for foreplay, double or triple it. Real sex does not run on the same timeline as a porno - you should not expect to go from “greeting your partner at the door” to “sexual climax” in under 30 minutes. Take your time. Start with kisses, cuddles, massages, caresses, manual stimulation, and oral sex. Make sure you are comfortable and relaxed, and don’t be afraid to tell your partner what you want. If you are sufficiently turned on and well-lubricated, your first time shouldn’t involve much more than a bit of minor discomfort. If you are consistently experiencing pain during sex, even if you feel turned-on and you are using lube, check with a doctor - there might be a medical issue.
What are my chances of getting pregnant if I only use condoms?
Depends on how you use them. The effectiveness rates printed on your box of condoms assume that you are engaging in something called “perfect use”, which is exactly what it sounds like. “Perfect use” of any birth control method means you are always doing everything exactly by the books, with no mistakes - for condoms, it means that you are never using an expired condom, using oil-based lube with a latex condom, putting a condom on the wrong way, forgetting to pinch the tip of the condom, forgetting to hold the base of the condom as it’s withdrawn, etc. If you use condoms as your only form of birth control, and you use them absolutely perfectly, you have an 18% chance of getting pregnant within ten years (due to unforeseen condom breakage or slippage). If you use condoms imperfectly, however, (and most people use condoms imperfectly) you have an 86% chance of getting pregnant in 10 years. Those numbers are much, much higher than most people are comfortable with, which is why it is so important to either use a back-up method of birth control (like the pill), or use a birth control method that leaves no room for human error (like an IUD or implant).
Do straight couples need to use condoms for anal?
Yes you do, if there are absolutely any concerns about possible STIs. Anal sex carries a higher risk of transmitting an STI from one partner to the other; the membranes in your anus are a lot thinner than the ones inside a vagina, and anal sex tends to involve more tearing or irritation than vaginal sex, since the anus is not self-lubricating. Any tearing or irritation increases your risk of disease transmission. If there is any possible concern about STIs, be sure to use a condom and plenty of lube for anal sex.
Why don’t people use female condoms as often as they use male ones?
Female condoms are worse than male condoms in pretty much every possible way. They are more difficult to use, there are fewer varieties available, they are harder to find, few people have experience with them, and they have a much higher failure rate than male condoms, even if you use them perfectly. With that said, they are a whole lot better than nothing. If, for some reason, you prefer female condoms, or if female condoms are the only thing available, definitely use one instead of going without a condom.
My boyfriend and I are using the pull-out method. Is it actually riskier than condoms?
Okay. Look. Here’s the thing. Can the pull-out method be at least somewhat effective if you do it properly? Yes. Should you stake your reproductive and financial future on a teenage boy’s ability to predict when he’s about to climax? Absolutely fucking not. “Perfect use” of the pull-out method (as in, you have a partner who knows his body like a well-oiled machine and pulls out on time, every time) carries a 34% risk of pregnancy within 10 years. That makes it less effective than perfect use of the rhythm method, but more effective than perfect use of female condoms. The issue though, is that imperfect use of the pull-out method carries a whopping 92% chance of pregnancy over ten years. I have endometriosis - you have a better chance of accidentally getting pregnant from imperfect pull-out method than I do of getting pregnant on purpose if I actively tried to. The other thing I personally dislike about the pull-out method is that it leaves the female partner completely at the mercy of her male partner. It gives women very little autonomy over their own bodies; there’s not much you can do to make sure your male partner calculates correctly, and if he screws up, you’re the one facing all the consequences. Again, the pull-out method is better than doing literally nothing to prevent pregnancy, but there are much more effective methods out there, and inexperienced teenagers have absolutely no business relying on it as a primary line of defense.
What’s the best way to keep from getting pregnant?
Hormone implant. It has the lowest failure rate of any birth control method - it’s more effective than an IUD, or even a permanent sterilization method like a vasectomy or tubal ligation. The implant is a small piece of flexible plastic about the size of a matchstick that gets inserted under the skin of your upper arm. The insertion takes about a minute and can be done under local anesthetic at your doctor’s office. The implant need to be changed out every 3 years to be effective, which is why many people prefer the 5-year or 10-year IUD, even if it has a very slightly higher failure rate.
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