Ghost

Shane stares at him, uncomprehendingly, for a second before slowly replying, "...I didn't."

Holmberg gives him a deeply skeptical look. "I've seen the way you react when people flirt with Roz in front of you," he says, "there's no way you guys have an open relationship."

"No," Shane clarifies immediately. He would rather set himself on fire than have to live with sharing his husband with another person. "No, we're exclusive," he confirms, "but I never asked him to stop sleeping with other people. He just kind of... stopped. I didn't even find out until a few months after it happened so, I don't know, maybe just wait it out?"

if i post this once a day for the next

(checks calendar)

Man, that's a difficult question. I'm not even sure I have a concrete answer, just *my* answer?

The thing is... yeah, I'm not immune to being lonely. All my friends and family and coworkers and everyone seems to have a partner, and I... don't. And I envy that, a little. They get to wake up next to someone, and sit quietly with someone, and *know* someone- and not just surface-level stuff, but... hopes, dreams, fears, insecurities, likes and dislikes. Behaviours and patterns, habits, preferences.

And I KNOW it's not perfect, nothing ever is, but it's that mutual support and understanding I can only imagine must be... satisfying, I guess. Having someone you know you're improving life for, who doesn't need you to live, but for some reason or another prefers to live with your proximity like it's some kind of luxury one might enjoy experiencing.

I want those things. But for a lot of people- most of the world- those things mean other things too, like "having sex" and "being married" and "producing children", "splitting one bedroom", "having a partner at all", and all kinds of other stuff I don't especially need, want, or think about.

So like... I try to imagine what the perfect "standard" partnership or relationship or whatever would be for ME, if I just woke up one day and had one. And it doesn't have those things. So I figure, you know. *Why* I feel this way doesn't really matter, right? Whether I was born like this or not, or if it's normal or not, or if I COULD put up with those things for the sake of having the good parts I DO want.... it doesn't matter, kind of?

It's just another boundary, or limit, or preference, like any other deal breaker. Like refusing to date someone who chain-smokes or having a severe dog allergy or something.

I'm not a freak, or a "cold fish", or broken or anything. It's just that the ideal partner/s for ME is someone/s who *also* wants what I want. My ideal relationship is someone or someoneS who are okay with never fucking, or maybe not living together, or maybe nobody at all, and if I happen to make a friend or meet a person who is perfect in every OTHER area but that, then it isn't that it's my fault- it's that we weren't *actually* a good match to begin with. They were a ten, but they chain-smoked. They were a ten, but they wanted a dog really bad. They were a ten, but I couldn't deal with them chewing with their mouth open all the time.

So when I boil everything down, I don't ACTUALLY wish I could experience a powerful singular romance the way everyone else does- I just want strong relationships, people I trust, emotional intimacy, and cohabitation.

And there's no reason why I can't HAVE those things exactly the way I am.

Do I feel like I'm missing out sometimes? That it would be easier to develop these relationships if I was the same as the majority? Sure I do. That's just a numbers game. Bigger ocean means more fish.

But I also know that a traditional experience isn't what I WANT, and it wouldn't make me happy.

And if the point is to find people who you can be happy with, why wish for that?

At this point, wishing I enjoyed traditional romance or traditional sex is like wishing I enjoyed the taste of dirt so I could enjoy the experience of eating dirt, when I could just... not eat dirt?

Lke. I already don't eat dirt

There are already so many things I like eating that AREN'T dirt