jf i was vladimir nabokov and i was writing lolita i would make her an adult becaude then it would t be dark problematic media and instead a sweet romabce between two adults (woke and pure)

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@ghandisbuttcrack
jf i was vladimir nabokov and i was writing lolita i would make her an adult becaude then it would t be dark problematic media and instead a sweet romabce between two adults (woke and pure)

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i think fat girls should walk around in crop tops booty shorts buzzcuts dyed hair piercings no bra killing and maiming all who stand in their way with weapons before sitting down for some yummy ice cream and so forth. it's the only way.
i'll just say what we were all thinking. the paris catacombs are lowkey performative as hell
it's always ethical to kidnap an outdoor cat and make them an indoor cat. shithead owner will just assume a car or coyote got them. outdoor cats are bad for the environment, local wildlife and themselves. the only one that benefits from an outdoor cat is the lazy piece of shit owner that doesn't want to actually look after their cat. give that outdoor cat a better life, a longer life.

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the average twitter vs tumblr community experience
Lady in drive through had a bearded dragon sitting on her boobs and she held it up and let me pet it. killing myself canceled
art is not my strong suit but this is my best recreation of what i saw when i opened the window. i have to emphasize that she was supermodel levels of gorgeous
Tragedy alignment chart. Feel free to use, but please reblog if you do.
And of course the second part of the tragedy, which is: which quadrant did you think you were in vs. which one you were really in

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"he's got dozens of us"
I'm an adult
You're a dumbass who the fuck says something like that
a few months ago my friend called me and told me she was moving back up near me from 7 hours south in the middle of nowhere and asked if i would help her because she couldn’t move the furniture by herself and the town was so small there was no moving company (there were actually only 5 or six businesses in the whole town including both restaurants) and she had no one else down there to ask.
And even though money is pretty tight for her, she told me I could name my price if I would help her, because it was so far away.
I told her she was a dummy for thinking i would take her money but that i would accept the traditional helping-a-friend-move price: a meal (i know she would feel wrong about herself if she didn’t do something for me in return, that’s just how she is) Tradition suggests pizza and beer, we opted for enchiladas and a margarita.
we crashed on the floor of the empty place and left back north in the morning - when we got back to the city three more friends met us at her storage place (the place she was moving into wouldn’t be vacant for a couple months) and we started to move all her stuff up to a storage room on the THIRD FLOOR (because large city storage places be like that)
we had just taken the first box out of the truck when the (only) lady working there walked by and told us they closed in an hour and twenty minutes, and she couldn’t stay even a little late because she had to get to her other job.
One hour twenty minutes. To completely un-jenga a large uhaul and re-tetris it back into a similar sized room on the third floor.
We all just, shared a look, took off hoodies, and got the fuck down to business.
It was actually.. I still cherish look we passed around. The tiny eyebrow quirks and chin nods. The eye glints. The bigger breath we each took as we prepared to kick it up several gears. That moment of wordless connection, when we all just silently agreed that we were damn well going to do the impossible and didn’t even waste the time it would take to say anything, just got to it.
And we did it too. Finished with exactly two full minutes to spare. And then we all went for dinner and drinks to celebrate. And my friend’s friends that came to help? Two of them were acquaintances/friends of mine already. Like I lived with one for a year a decade ago sort of thing. But this experience? Brought us all closer. Made myself a new friend too.
And the friend i helped move? She and I are closer than ever because of it.
When i left our storage success diner to go home, she asked me again if I was sure i wouldn’t take any money.
I said “I ever tell you when I was 22 I went down to Hollywood to try that scene out? Anyway ten months later, when I just couldn’t do it anymore, and needed to come back, I called one of my best friends and said i can’t do this anymore i need to come back. You know what he said? He said: I’ll be there tomorrow. Not how much will you pay me, not what do i get out of it, not will you be able to cover my gas, just: I’ll be there tomorrow. Okay? You’re my friend. If you need help, I’m going to be there”
If helping someone move ruins your friendship, you’re doing at least one of those two things very wrong.
Reblogging for the last line
every time i remember that photo of the little inuk girl with her puppy i engage in inconsolable hysterics
this is it. this is the photo of all time
Comfy even

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Carnivorous plants doin this is so funny to me
They don't wanna eat their pollinators :(
love the phrase "but I digress." yes I temporarily got lost in the moors I wander in my mind but don't worry I'm self-aware about it