please let me come to your sleepover party i promise i won't levitate out of my sleeping bag or start crawling around on the ceiling at 3am this time

we’re killing our planet

hamg on i gotta find smthn

she only wants me for my highly specialized beak

His energy is unmatched

when youre laying down and your pet walks across your internal organs and youre like OW FUCK and they dont even care they just keep standing on your spleen like its their job

this is why i keep my skin closed at all times.

you….. you what 

i’m really bored with my first name 

your name is now crab78

stepped on a plum (overripe plum) (barefoot) it was on the driveway got out of the car and accidentally (didn't know it was there) stepped on the plum (warm) (on the ground) (it had fallen from the tree) barefoot (no shoes) wearing long pants (too long) (need to hem them) plum viscera got on them (the pants) unexpected plum on the driveway (hot plum) (97 degrees out) already super hungover (throwing up all morning) (should not have been driving at all) and I stepped out of the car (black car) (97 degrees out) and onto the plum (unexpected) (didn't know the plum was there) and it burst (plum nightmare on my only good pair of sweatpants) still we find ways to keep ourselves going from day to day

Honestly it's not as bad as it sounds. It takes the eagles about 2 hours to get to my liver and another 2 to eat it. The whole ordeal is over by one and I've got the afternoon to myself.

making funny posts is just a symptom of a greater problem

This is Margaret when she opens that email

Funny story about that actually, she’s figured out that she IS a lesbian 7 days a week

We got another one girls