fun times

so fucked up that like actually going to bed earlier and exercising and eating well and being kind to urself does actually make u feel a bit better. that is so messed up

alright THAT'S IT *relocks your tragic backstory*

worst movie trope is when the weird girl gets a makeover. fuck you. fuck off. i hate you.

if would be a nightmare to wake up one day to a dozens of text messages saying “congratulations!” and “you reached your goal!” and “go get ‘em tiger” etc only to find a gofundme page entitled Let’s Get My Boy Over Here Some Sloppy Suck Suck!!! with a blurry image of me clearly taken through a window brushing cheeto crumbs off of a white tank top, eyes glued to the television screen at 1 AM. i click open the tab and i find it was organized by my very well meaning (until now) heterosexual friends who figured the reason i am slouching so much is because i, as the description states, “[have not] had [my] balls drained good in a while if ever.” the campaign description goes on to describe me as “good natured, if not small in stature and likely even smaller in penis but we aren’t gay so we aren’t sure we’re not gay so we never saw it” and that i need a “thick assed Whole Foods shopping silver fox type 40 year old to toss [me] some brain.” enraged, i storm out the door to my apartment, only to find that they’re here to enact the second stage of the plan: completely covering me in air fresheners. 4k worth of them. scents they assume gay men like and are into. they cover me in that cologne that comes in the shape of a dude’s torso, deer attractant, and royal jelly from bees as well as many , like i said, air fresheners from cars. completely decked out not dissimilar to a christmas tree, i am waddled into the nearest gay bar where the stench of me makes everyone pass out. the plan failed, and, the IRS gets involved, because they laundered the other 4k of the 8k USD raised to buy a bunch of suedofed. i don’t know how to spell it. you know what i mean. that would be my nightmare. the only course of action at that point, not to be grim, would be faking your own death, or dying for real.

how is your week going op

I don't fucking care if it's manipulative, if your gf larps as an elf while talking to your relative who's undergoing chemo, you're allowed to humiliate her in front of her friends by larping as Naruto

I wish tumblr would implement a “mutuals can only reblog this post” function because people do not know how to act and are very unfunny on my posts. and because I’d love to see the drama of it all

wow i hate your fucking shoelaces

Trump comes to tumblr and instead of banning him, tumblr staff simply turns post editing back on and sets us loose like a horde of rabid dogs

how much of ur online presence is performative and how much is it u being u

baby every me is me, we are the mask and the wearer

I don't care if it's been months!! superhell is still funny!!!

today is not my birthday

reblog if your birthday is not today

LMAOOOO cnn said trump just tried to personally tweet from the potus account and twitter immediately deleted the tweet. what did he say on the potus account i wanna know

trump has apparently now tried tweeting from FOUR different government accounts