who.am.i? who.am.i? who.am.i?

Happy pride month

A monster and a cynical world, remembered by a plus and minus.

I hate it in here, in this body that i was given, in this time that i was born, I hate having empathy in a world that seems to punish it.

I recently had a discussion with very dear family member about age verification online, and honestly? it made me realise how he has been jaded by cynicism and """realism""" into all but essentially discarding his empathy and sense of morality unless it's about something in his direct surrounding. He raised me to have empathy, he raised me to fight against authoritarianism, against injustice, against hate. but he no loger dares to represent any of those ideals beyond an passive and superficial claim to believe in them.

he discredits democracy as a faulty concept that's weak and will innevitably fall in the face of fascism, and then turns around to say that he believes in democracy. he acts/thinks any fight against injustice, such as protesting, are naive and ungrounded in reality, but will get offended if you call him out on that.

and that is but one of my stresses, of my frustrations, of my pains.

I have genuinely been dragged down to the point where i'm one five-item list away from engaging in self-destructive behaviour, holding on for dear life, but i have no option, other than keeping it inside, i cannot allow myself the vulnerability to deal with my mental health, do you have any idea of how far that would set my education back?? the effort and time and investment needed to deal with that shit would kill me socially, would cut all of the momentum i've built up on estabilishing myself in a new country, i see no way out of this suffering that doesn't evolve throwing 5 years of effort away.

I'm so tired...

sometimes i wish i could just axe my head open and let spill unto the world all of these frustrations and pains and hopes and feelings and art and sadness and art and love and rage and love and rage and love and rage and love and rage and love...

Maybe failing a bit is alright.