mine's full of maggots

The person who writes news tickers in Sun City, AZ when llamas are let loose one day: I’ve been waiting my whole life for this…

if I had a wrestling persona they would be part demon part pharmacist and their name would be DVS (like CVS but pronounced Devious) and their catchphrase would be Welcome To The Harmacy

you never gotta worry about me cheating on you.. I might eat something that was yours but that’s about it

why is every author a #1 bestselling author 

why is every toothpaste the #1 recommended toothpaste 

why do my parents hate me

Just because you’re used to it, doesn’t mean it’s okay

why is this so fucking funny 

it’s a joke

wish customer service jobs operated w video game standards, so a customer would come up to me and i’d say “greetings traveler! looking to trade?” and they’d only had 4 options for their response 

i’d just stand there wiping down the same part of the counter for 8 hours until my shift ended and then id drop everything and walk away and if you tried to interact with me i’d just keep running into you silently until you moved