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this has been going on for almost two years and that her self worth is really suffering because of it. She feels that she’s not pretty enough, not smart enough… You get the picture. I’m really worried about her…

Hello Anon,

First I would like to tell you that it is wonderful that you are supportive of your friend and caring enough to be sensitive to her situation even when you may not necessarily agree with her. 

Unfortunately, though you want what is best for her and to help improve her self image… she first has to want to accept this help and want to change.  A hard lesson I have learned through life is that you cannot fix anyone’s situations for them and you cannot change someone as it is up to them to be open to accepting and implementing change.

As a friend, all you can do is support her but also not enable.  You can support that her feelings are in fact real and valid without supporting her negative image of herself.  If you are comfortable, you can try to calmly have a heart to heart with her where you explain your understanding of the situation but your disagreement with her view of herself.  Tell her how you see her as a friend and that her perception of herself is not the perception that others have of her.  Allow her to come to you, but not to continue to use you as a place to validate her negative feelings of herself. 

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Hello and Welcome Anon!

I apologize for my delay in response as I am always quick to respond.  I have been sick and spending the holidays with my family, but will be up an active at a much quicker rate here on out.

You state that you think your friend is manipulative or that you get the feeling they may be, but then state that he makes you happy and treats you well while continuing to speak highly of him.

I am unable to answer your question on my opinion of whether his actions are a sign of manipulation without you going into further detail about what it is about him that is making you feel this negative emotion.  What has he done that makes you feel that his kindness is a tool he is using to manipulate you? What is causing you this uneasy feeling when interacting with this friend? Has he used intimacy or your kindness against you in any way or forced you into doing things you were uncomfortable with?

I would love to have you send in another response to those questions so that I am better able to give you a more tailored answer and response!

2/2 Fund. If I try to help my friends it’s only to feel better about myself. I don’t do anything without an ulterior motive. It may be something obvious, like the study thing or a bit more subtle and not really that bad, like the friends thing, but I still do it for a reason. And I hate that. Because I don’t wanna be a pushover or anything, but I would hate to be “evil”. Do you have any advice for me? If you do, thank you    

Welcome Anonymous!

I understand the frustration one can feel when they feel they have been selfish.  There are times where I have made selfish decisions and found myself doing things that I was not proud of based upon my own needs and desires, and some of those decisions came at a cost to others.  It is human to make mistakes and find ourselves more focused on ourselves at times in our lives, this does not make us bad people.  I can tell by your post that you are unsatisfied by your actions, though I would like to point out that it is COMPLETELY okay to mutual benefit from things.  It is not selfish of you to help others while also benefiting, it is when our actions are deliberately used to help ourselves while also hurting others that we must take a step back and reassess our choices.  However, if you are feeling that you are taking more from this world than you are taking, consider taking time to do something outside of yourself. Find something you can do that takes you away from yourself, and benefits others more.  Examples of this would be working at a soup kitchen, volunteering at the children’s hospital, or helping a neighbor or family member.  It is not selfish if you try these actions and feel gratification from it, but it will give you a chance to help others more without equal or more benefit to yourself.  Maybe making these types of lifestyle changes will even help you view yourself in a higher esteem and give you a better sense of purpose.

I hope you found this helpful and if you have any further questions about this or a new topic, remember you can always come here.

Anonymous asked: Like I do. Straight As? That’s not me, I barely study! Multilingual? Only thanks to my multilingual mother! Those are my main achievements and none of them can actually be called ‘mine’. I feel like everything I have has been given to me and that therefore I have nothing to be proud of. Anyways, sorry for the long ask and thanks for everything. (2/2)

Welcome Anon!

First… you should NEVER feel guilty for your emotions and base your right to have them on the situations of those around you.  There will always be someone who has it harder than you at different stages in your life, and that does NOT make what you are going through any less valuable. You have a right to feel however you want to feel when going through a hard time, and even the right to feel joy and happiness in your life though others are having a hard time.  If we do not allow ourselves time to properly process situations (in a way that is authentic to our feelings) than we cannot move on from them.  Suppressing your emotions will not fix the problems of those around you, instead consider taking this as a time to open up a dialogue with the people around you who care about you.  Speak to one another about your issues and support one another in getting through them. Consider telling them that you can see that they are going through a hard time and maybe sit down and have a heart to heart about what’s going on.  I do not get the sense, by the way you talk about these people in your life, that you feel any resentment towards them for going through a hard time… so why do you feel that they would not be as equally understanding towards you?  Maybe they are feeling just as lost as you are and together you can help each other work through and find some answers.

As far as the lack of self-worth goes, it seems that maybe you are starting to wonder exactly what your purpose is and who exactly you are on your own.  This is a universal feeling that EVERYONE feels at some point in their lives and even sometimes more than once in their lives.  I go through this feeling personally quite often and become quite restless… getting the sense of “am I doing enough with my life” and am I leaving something behind to be proud of.  When I start getting this feeling I like to take time to work on some of my own personal goals.  Something that is just mine that does not rely on others for achievement.  Some examples would be: writing, photography, starting a blog, taking classes, learning a new skill.  Allow yourself the time to partake in self-care and focus on exactly who you are and want to be as a person.  Don’t think of this time as you are lost, but rather the best time for you to find yourself and grow.

And lastly, your intelligence is not something that is not YOURS.  Intelligence is not something someone else gave you but something that is your own.  Good grades whether you study or not is something to be proud of.  It means that what you are learning comes easily to you and that does not make your mind any less valuable.  Take that rare ability and turn it into something you can take advantage of and be proud of such as a career or project you’re passionate about.

I hope that some of this helped and I encourage others to offer open-minded, caring, considerate, and thoughtful advice as to what they have done when they feel this way.  This is an openminded and caring blog and negativity will never be tolerated on this site.

I’d like to thank you for coming here to Kat Chat and welcome you Anonymous,

I believe there comes a time for everyone where they look around at their life and question, is this enough?  Am I doing enough? Why do I not feel content or happy enough?  Sometimes even when everything in our lives is going quite well we question exactly why we are not as happy as we believe we should be considering our situation.

I obviously cannot make assumptions based off your post on exactly why you are not feeling happy enough and I encourage you to submit another post anonymously if my answer does not fit specifically to your situation so that we can talk in more depth and I can give a more tailored response to your specific situation.  

First, I would like to address the fatigue, as that is something that I am all too familiar with! There have been times where I have felt fatigued due to my lifestyle choices and then there have been times that my fatigue has come from psychological influences such as stress or toxic relationships.

When fatigue lasts for more than a week, I like to take a step back and evaluate the situation and ask myself questions such as:

-       Am I averaging at least 8 hours of sleep a night?

-       Am I on a consistent sleep schedule lately?

-       Have I been eating foods that are high in vitamins such as B-12?:

A deficiency in B-12 can cause memory loss, fatigue, depression, and dizziness.  My doctors have helped me understand this one as this is usually the problem when I feel that my life is going well, but I am still not “happy” and still feel tired all the time.  When I am deficient I usually feel like a walking zombie no matter how great my life is going.  If after making life style changes you still feeling overly fatigued I suggest consulting a doctor as it may be something as simple as this.

-       Am I hanging out or around people who are toxic or unhealthy for me?:

If after interacting with someone you walk away feeling drained or tired.  It may be time to assess the relationship.  It is okay to admit that someone may not be healthy for us to be around mentally.  An example of this for myself is that I had a friend who was always negative.  I stayed around them all the time because I felt this sense of them “needing” me.  I am a very empathetic person no matter the situation and constantly find myself in situations where I know my mood and mental health are being negatively affected by someone, but I stay because I feel a sense of it being the “right thing” to do.  These situations are kind of like the analogy on airplanes: you must first put your mask on in order to be of any help to the people around you.  Assess your life and see if there is anyone that you may need to take time from in order to practice self-care, and don’t be afraid to be honest with them if you are close and feel the need for an explanation.  Openly tell them that you are currently not in a very good place and you need some time away to focus on yourself.  It is also okay to come back and reassess the relationship if both parties later feel they can have a healthy coexisting relationship in the future.

-       Am I moving enough and getting enough exercise in a day: personally, my least favorite but it holds very true.  Exercise helps send endorphins to the brain which can not only boost one’s mood, but it can definitely help someone when it comes to fatigue.  When my depression and fatigue get really bad, I start forcing myself to get up one hour earlier to exercise.  This usually allows for me to feel energized for my day, but very tired and ready for bed at the days end.  

-       Am I practicing self-care?  Am I taking time out of my day or week where I am focusing solely on myself and allowing myself to decompress:  when my stress levels are at an all-time high, usually I look back at my week and realize that I forgot to take any time to myself to just… breathe! Find a calming activity that you can easily revert to when your stress levels are getting high.  Something that can bring you back down and ground you such as writing, taking a bath, listening to music, or drawing.

-       Lastly, I take a moment to write down my stressors. What in my life is causing my stress and drained energy?: By writing them down I am able to take a step back and process them.  After doing so I try to get to the root of them such as, “Work is stressful!”.  Well why is work stressful? “Because I do not feel a sense of pride in the work I am producing”.  By writing them down and getting to the root of them, you can then find a solution or a way to change in order to alleviate or minimize the stress.

The first step you are making is the biggest step of all, you WANT to make it better.  Let that drive fuel you into taking the steps that can make it better.  I cannot tell you of one person I have met that at one point in their lives hasn’t felt this way before.  This is very common, however, it does not mean it has to stay this way for you.  First, take a moment to be kind to yourself and say that this is NOW but this doesn’t have to be FOREVER.  Think of this as a way of life telling you it’s time for growth and change, let the restlessness help push you for the answers you are looking for.  When I feel like this I like to think of it as my life giving me a nudge and telling me that it is time for a change and a time where I can grow.

I hope that some of this was of help and I encourage others to leave responses of things that have helped them when they were personally feeling this way! Remember to always be open-minded, accepting, kind, and considerate on this page as nothing else will be accepted here.  This is a community for growth and kindness.

I am sure that we have all found ourselves in a place in our lives where we feel that we are unsatisfied.  Maybe even feeling a little restless in our daily routines, wondering what it will take to feel content again. Some of us may have even experienced times in our lives where it’s hard to focus or even get out of bed in the morning and just following the motions of our lives.

In these moments we have a choice; acceptance or change. When given the option, I always go for the change.  With implementing change in our lives, we are able to grow and find ourselves out of the less than preferable situation we are currently in!

Here is my personal self-care routine when I find myself in need of a life change.

FIRST: REST AND RESTART

Usually, a good indicator for myself personally that my life is in need of a change is when I am feeling fatigued and stressed. I'll usually start to feel a little bit restless and stressed about the current state that I am in, so I find it best to start out by allowing myself some alone time and downtime.   I will usually take a day that I am able to just focus on myself for the entire day and practice some relaxing self-care.   My personal go-to routine is to start by getting a good nights rest as this helps to put me in a better mindset to start off my day.  I focus on how tomorrow will be a new day and try not to focus on outside things in my life.  I also choose to take time to rest by focusing on relaxing activities where I am able to be alone and quiet for a while.  Examples being: taking a bath with candles, reading a new book in my pj's on the couch, watching a movie or show I've been wanting to see at home and cooking myself a comforting meal.

SECOND: MAKING GOALS

After clearing my mind and creating a relaxed clean slate, I like to make simple goals that I can obtain.  The completion of goals gives the mind a sense of accomplishment which is healthy for our mental health and self-esteem.  These goals can be something such as: finally cleaning out your closet, cleaning the dishes that have gone neglected, learning a new skill such as painting or poetry, or making a step towards one of your lifetime goals such as becoming a published writer or getting a promotion at work.  Not only will this make you feel accomplished, but it will also cause there to be a change in your life.  Developing a new hobby, taking a step towards a lifelong dream, or even simply decluttering the space around you can help facilitate change.  It will take you out of your everyday usual routine, and also give you something new to focus on that is personal to your own growth and development.  

THIRD: TAKE A LIFE INVENTORY

Lastly, I like to look at my life and figure out EXACTLY what parts I am unsatisfied with and get to the bottom of what factors in my life have created the parts of my life I am unhappy with.  Are some of your relationships toxic and holding you back from reaching your full potential?  Are you overly stressed due to not having a sleep schedule that works for you? Is there a character trait about yourself that you could work on in order to be happier?  

I take time to ask myself these questions as sometimes I am not aware of exactly why I am feeling this way.  Sometimes we need to take time to check in with ourselves to get to the root of the problem and to find a solution on how to fix it.

What are some of the things you like to do for self-care? Leave a comment below and let's open up a conversation and help one another.

And remember:

Wake up in the morning and set a goal to make the day a positive one.

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And on the days where that seems impossible, start with one small thing to get the day going.

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That something can be as simple as waking up and making the bed.

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Give yourself obtainable goals on the days you are struggling as these little steps can feel like big victories on the days you just want to stay in bed.

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And always remember if you need advice or just someone to talk to, I’m always one click away in the Ask Kat Chat link above.

-Kat.

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Photo Credit:Luiz Felipe, unsplash.com

Your thoughts are like a seed planted in your brain,

Positive thoughts- the water that helps one grow,

Positive relationships- the nourishing soil in which we plant our roots.

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As you wouldn’t expect a tree to grow when exposed to something toxic, you yourself cannot grow if your brain and relationships are exposed to toxic thoughts and people. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

Surround yourself with relationships and thoughts that nurture you. Accept nothing less. You deserve to thrive.

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-Kat

Photo: Fabrice Villard, unsplash.com

Good Morning Love’s!

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Today is a new day, a new start, and a chance to be whoever you want to be.

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Who you were yesterday is not who you have to be today, this is your chance to grow for some and a chance to start over for others.

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•You are loved

•Wanted

•Appreciated

•And heard

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For those tough life questions that may be weighing on your mind remember, you can always Ask Kat and have someone to talk to. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

Love

-Kat

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