Unblocked my niece on tt in order to go through her following list real quick so I could ensure I had the rest of that side of the family blocked and I found her daughter's page. Shes..... shes exactly what my niece tried to turn me into. She really looks like her perfect daughter and I'm happy for both of them that that's how things look, my anger at my niece and other older members of that side of the family will never get in the way of my love for them.no contact or not I still have those emotions and morals. But like, she was my only escape from my mother and I thought of her as a savior figure so much so that I ignored every red flag. I idolized her. She was the cool older family member whom I got to hang out with at her house most every weekend/holiday/p much any time I didn't have to be in school (tho I did literally live with her during part of 8th grade). Shes always been a stereotypical "basic country white girl" and I thought her making me over all the time was the only way I looked okay and not just like a disgusting freak. But I wasn't and couldn't have ever been the perfect daughter/little sister figure for her. It's never been who I am. I've been a weird gothic punk woke queer freak since always. I discovered quizzaz while scrolling on her laptop back when fb still had games and quizzes. Hell I watched porn for the first time on her laptop. And later when she discovered the search history because of where hers was the primary account, it never clicked for me that the important factor in her questioning me was her confusion on why it was all videos of girls. How the fuck did I not realize she was homophobic then? Oh cause I was 13 and idolized her as well as her homophobia never been direct, only the never mentioned save for maybe a gossipy joke about a person or whatever type. And I like dying my hair but not to go back to being bleach blonde like when I was young, but to have cool fucky colors esp purple. And I've never been a makeup person or the type who genuinely obsessed over boys in the "normal" way. I used to think she loved me, and I guess she did but wow she really did only ever love the version of me she wished I was. And it's stupid that it hurt as bad as it did to see that her daughter is that girl she always tried to turn me into. And she looks so happy and seems to happily choose all of it for herself.

I don't want to be alone again but truthfully I have been this entire time. Aside from my stupidity and naivety this year, I haven't had a person that didn't make me feel alone since Bri. And that was 2018. And that wasn't even real either during the few months I had with her. I've been stupid and trying to fool myself literally this entire time because what other choice have I had but god damnit. I just need to accept this is how my life is.

The fact that the escape option will never be an option again hurts so fucking bad right now. I can't even have the autonomy to choose between the release from this hell and staying. That hasn't been my choice to make in years and I feel like a trapped and tortured animal. And I'll never be allowed to have that option ever again because I let my dumbass get babytrapped by a man twice my age. Great fucking job you stupid little bitch

Fuck me I guess for ever trying to put in the time effort and care into trying to build a good and real friendship. I mean we talked every day for a few months and then I get to hear yet again how I'm just a draining annoying person for caring about them and then they just don't ever want to talk to me even about the things they specifically said they do still want to talk to me about. I get it, this is just how my life goes every single time. I really should stop trying considering this is literally how it goes every. Single. Fucking. Time. But giving up goes directly against one of my core things that make me who I am, who I choose to be. And not a single fucking person in the world actually gives a fuck about me because of the way that I am. Of course it's no one's fault, not a single person owes anything to me. But jfc, almost 30 years of trying to be that person for those around me and never once having a single person ever care enough to even try for me. Even the ones who claimed to like me only ever infantilized me and got tired of me within a year or two, or rather, cared a lot more about other people and forgot to ever attempt to try for me anymore. Even with me trying for months. Or years. Far too many screens full of saying hey while they're online and never even being respected enough to get a response, even at a later day/time. Literally always. What's so wrong with me that this is always the result? I try my damndest to make up for my faults and always put those I care about far before me. Isn't that exactly what I'm supposed to do to be a decent person and make friends? What about me is it that makes this my life? And is finally allowing myself to give up and stop trying a betrayal to myself and the person I choose to be?