Miss. Guided

Life is a series of beginnings and endings, innit? 

I realised this as I finished a TV show that started when I was 14

I am now 25 

Not that I was particularly attached to the show 

But as the last minute of the last episode aired

I somehow found myself goosebumped and teary eyed 

Why, I wondered? 

Was it because the show reminded me of various parts of my life?

And I was seeking comfort in its existence in the background? 

Guess this is how it is with every event in your life

High school, college, your first job, first love

Everything eventually ends and what does that leave you with?

New beginnings. New job. New lover. An updated you

You probably have your shit sorted out a little more at 25

You can cook yourself some greens with those carbs 

You can now make sense of taxes and living bills 

You can buy yourself a jar of blueberry cheesecake at 23:00 hours 

This also means that you now have to go get your own bread 

And pick yourself back up when the sun rises on Tuesday morning 

This will come to an end at some point or another 

Not knowing when is how life keeps moving 

Until then, you find yourself another reason to weep in the sea of Netflix

Haven’t poured my heart out here in years. Maybe I haven’t had the need to. I don’t know. Maybe I don’t know how to anymore. But going through all of my previous posts about boys I liked, travel revelations and general feeling(s) display makes me question who I was even. And what happened to her. Too many existential questions.

But what matters is that I am back. And the realizations are back. I apparently type in British English now. I apparently don’t think that I am good with words anymore. I am apparently getting too lost in adulting and seemingly real world stuff. I am apparently not in control anymore. Or am I? As a wise woman once said, what’s the point of anything if it does not make you happy? ‘

Daydreaming on a stray thought.

Chewing on a nail, worn-out.

My hair is pretty damn distraught.

‘One hot brown concoction, please’

Into the cup, 3 sweet cubes she dropped

Babe, you have some coffee in your sugar, he mocked.

How could anybody take sugar with coffee he wondered. 

2250. Blogger Style: Hello Fashion by chocolatepumma featuring aviator style glasses ❤ liked on Polyvore

I try and seek you

In the shallow parts of my mind

Thoughts I have, one or two

Meaning I absolutely do not find.

I am looking for the part that was all me

Right now, you’re pretty much everywhere even when you’re not here. Even when you’re not talking to me. I try and get past the idea of you, of your beautiful existence. But, I can’t. All these things that I do with my life are somehow associated with you. 

I think of you when I am making tea. You’d probably be smirking and teasing me for being hooked on to tea.

I think of you when I listen to a corny song on repeat. How you’d roll your eyes and laugh your heart out at me for being so naive.

I think of you when I am trying to fix my life and make a to-do list in my little brown notebook. You’d probably approve and smile enthusiastically.

I think of you when I shampoo my hair. I think of your fingers running through my hair and me hoping that they would somehow stay tangled in there for a while more.

Countless cups I drown

As I let myself frown.

Over an important thought

Swaying mind

Please stay behind.

Somebody’s peeking

Dear Brooding Boy Who Used an Incredible Lot of Pick-Up Lines on Me,

You let me whine into your chest for about 3.5 minutes. I pseudo almost cried about how you were going so far away. How you live so far away. How you don’t actually have a reason to ever come back to my vicinity again. The temporary-ness of the situation made it so fragile and precious. You were even kind enough to give me an extra 3.5 minutes some time later in the night. To whine more, of course. For a professional whiner like me, I knew exactly how to balance my feels just right. All this literally just occurred to me on a warm Saturday afternoon as I sit in my most comfortable pajamas and listen to my old loopy playlists. 

Listen to this for closure.

Today, right now, I just want to listen to this song and be with myself for a bit. I don’t know how long I can be this hopeless. There is something wonderful about being hopeless though. You really don’t feel very afraid. You can quickly distract yourself from the important stuff by fixing yourself a cup of tea. Or cuddling into the comfort of your favorite person’s beige cardigan. It will be sorted. It will all be good. I’ll eventually feel like picking up that dusty old book again and finishing it. I’ll eventually feel like talking to the first love of my life again. I’ll eventually stop thinking of him every time Alex Turner sings about love and wearing comfortable shoes while walking on water.