i cannot be referred to

pushing 90 on the highway,

the memories

should have been kept at bay

“stateside” blaring in my ears;

the noise should’ve kept them away!

but fuck, i’m gonna cry again.

fuck, i have no time to spend.

and fuck, i can’t see round this bend…

i really think this is the e-

disrupt the peace of my nervous system;

ruin the emotional stability i’ve worked so hard to perfect,

then smile at me.

wrap your hands around my neck,

choke the life from my willing body,

then smile at me.

make my skin a painting;

streaks of red and kaleidoscopes of purple and blue,

then smile at me.

scream at me; tell me the stinging words

you know i’ll never forget,

then smile at me.

because all i ever wanted

was for you to smile at me.

pull up to the function

with our perfect, plastic smiles,

plastered tight, leaving no cracks.

PERFECT!

we’re here! we’re ready!

no, of course we’re not hiding tears in our eyes!

of course our throats aren’t choked up!

we’re perfect!

PERFECT!

“wow, look at them,

and how put together they are!”

yes, of course!

we’re perfect!

PERFECT!

everyone admire us;

watch our fun little game of pretend

and say we’re

PERFECT!

bask in the glory

of our functional family,

and watch how well we interact, cuz we’re

PERFECT!

remark on the “deep bond”

between parent and child.

you’ll never know the truth.

but think that; please!

because everyone thinks we’re

PERFECT!

….

fuck that.

before we arrived,

our emotions did a full swing.

before we pulled up,

we had 10 mental breakdowns.

before we even got in the car,

things were said and done.

things that can never be taken back.

and i’m done with pretending we’re

PERFECT!

…

“hello!

how are you?”

“oh, i’m fine!”

the comfortable lie

they always buy.

but how would they know?

We’re just so

PERFECT!

it settles in my chest;

that wonderful feeling

when everything is finally going well

for the first time that day.

eating my favorite food,

sitting in my favorite spot,

my favorite song playing…

it all settles cozily

by my heart.

it settles in my head;

the knowledge

that the feeling will soon be gone,

and i’ll be left

as i was before.

it settles,

an unwavering, ever-present darkness,

within my brain.

i’m done with being nice;

i’m done with complying.

it’s time to fucking show you

that i’m not lying.

you thought fucking with me was funny?

wait til you start crying.

i’m really gonna enjoy

watching you dying!

my eyes are red,

skin dripping with that color,

never will you do that again

to any other.

cause buddy boy, i’ve got a knife!

and i’m not scared of pain.

you’ve caused an awful lot of strife,

but this a not a game.

i’m gonna fucking carve you up

from head to fucking toe.

maybe then you’ll understand

how it feels for blood to flow.

you carved holes into me so deep

i’m never gonna recover.

but my hand rises, flashing silver—

over you it’s gonna hover…

and come down.

i’m sorry you wasted your life on me,

but I didn’t want you to.

you didn’t have to.

so why are you blaming me?

this is what you chose!

i didn’t ask to be born.

in fact,

if I could go back and change anything,

i’d probably choose not to be.

just stop lying to me!

i don’t want to hear

another mumbled “I love you too”

that we both know you don’t mean.

i don’t want to see

your eyes

downcast

because you can’t handle looking at me.

look at me!

tell me you hate me!

it would be less painful for everyone.

please.

i’m sorry you wasted your life on me,

but i’m more sorry I wasted mine

on trying to get you to love me.