again & again

A continuation from what I’m now collecting as an archive of overthinking and my brain never willing itself to be bored. The og post here.

I’ve always struggled with perception; it’s something that irks me because it’s technically within our control. You can talk your way into being whoever is most likable to anyone you talk to at the price of actually being a person (time, energy, and true connection, yk). It’s a skill I’m glad to have but I only got it cause I was so relentlessly insecure (avg teenage girl experience) and in gaining some self awareness (and getting over myself) I realized how impractical it was to try so hard. All of this to say, ik the value of a first impression and the everyday limbo I felt walking the fine line, you like me, you like me not, you love me, you think I’m odd, you trust me, I’m already caught. So what better personal purgatory than a reality check from God himself (or herself, u do u, diva) of knowing exactly what everyone’s final thought of me was.

We don’t stop existing until the last time someone thinks about us, so in this personal purgatory I’d see it, the single final thought of everyone who knew me, when they stopped thinking about me. Where they were, what reminded them of me, and just the depth of it. For some I’m sure I was sweet but forgettable, for others I’m probably bitter and long lasting and I exist in the minds of versions of them I never got to see in life. In more humbling scenarios people who haunt me will have their last thought of me soon after we stop talking and it’ll be frivolous and nothing. Maybe I’m someone’s final thought, like deathbed seeing the light. For friends who go before me maybe it’s the reminder we have plans and those who pass after me it’s a memory they cherish when I’m not there. I’d get to see them in chronological order and by the end perhaps I’d see my children and grandkids and what I was like in their minds. There would be interruptions from the people I loved with the occasional person I met and the tiny sparks of memory would surprise me. A purgatory that reminded me that I don’t matter and do all at the same time.

I started playing around with this idea when I was stopped at the train station from some guy I had a class with, at that point a full four years prior and he had known my face and name enough to ask to split an uber back to campus. Purgatory would be that swell of emotional last thoughts mixed with the more commonly mundane ones; I wasn’t severely important to him but he had not even registered for me. Perception isn’t something we get to choose, not with so many contributing factors, and neither is how long people remember us. I think the point of purgatory is reflection, maybe from God but maybe just from ourselves. I’m bad with names and faces but I now know we had a contemporary issues class together, he had been visiting his girlfriend a state over, and he was effectively practical in a way I wasn’t. The end of purgatory would probably be having the dust settle, all final impressions counted, and existence being put to rest.

P.S.

-a fun life is weird moment is that I had switched into the train guys class but was traveling with a friend of the class I switched out of. The pic I took on the train, pretend it’s grainy for the aesthetic and not cause I never wipe my phone camera. And songs r linked to when I thought about them and quotes r why.

-“You're just thinkin' it's a small thing that happened The world ended when it happened to me”

*going to keep updating playlist but the vibe is real cute and "you get me" vibes*

Dan and Blair, you will always have a place in my heart, they just made sense. They could never be though because if Dan was Gossip Girl his storyline was always set up for him to end up with Serena, keeping him the perpetual outsider despite being the "ultimate insider".

//whole tangent (out of love)//---starts now------

It's clear that the writers really wanted the storyline to take heavy inspiration from The Great Gatsby with the central theme being the chronic need to fit into high society for love. Dan's character seems to take romantic inspo from Gatsby's grand gestures (creating GG) but through a Nick Carraway lens, (unassuming with a mix of judgement and awe). This means at its core the story had a clear direction for how it was always going to go, boy yearns for golden girl above his station and is willing to go to the extremes to be with her. The only distinction being that this story's mc ends up with his respective Daisy, except for, Gatsby never strayed... Dan does.

The story is really simple if Blair is not a romantic interest for Dan; she serves as just another obstacle for Serena and a reminder of why Dan has to save her. As Dan put so eloquently, Blair is "basically everything I hate about the upper east side." Blair is the perfect depiction- borderline caricature- of all the rigid standards Dan fails to match, the only difference between her and Serena, she knows this and completely embraces it. Blair doesn't hold back from classist remarks, knows her future is either true princess or American royalty, and keeps up with all the cut throat scheming involved in a high stakes world. Serena on the other hand, is complicit, and docile, and plays the role -as Daisy Buchanan would put it- of a "beautiful little fool", things just happen to her. She suffers from a system she has no control over time and time again but she also benefits from it just as often. It is because of her victim act and her ability to pretend to be detached from her wealth that makes Dan want to be with her, be her savior.

The problem in Serena and Dan's relationship always arose about their disparity in wealth, legacy, and status. He could save her from judgement or hard conversations for a night but she would always go back home to be a Vanderwoodsen, a Rhodes. She had a Midas touch of sorts, even if he liked her free fun-loving personality she would always have riches he did not, she would always be more than he was, and when he wouldn't measure up all they had left were golden memories, stiff, still, unmoving. They couldn't grow together.

Things were different with Blair though. Blair never denied any of her upper hands in life, never held back any venom she could spit (especially towards Dan), and when you peeled back the layers of her personality the first thing to come off was her class. She first develops a friendship with Dan as they deal with the perils of GG and her wrath against Serena, and Blair puts her privilege to work to fiercely protect the people close to her. Even before there were any romantic notions between them they find common ground and several shared interests such as films, visiting museums, and reading the same books. Dan never has to save her from her wealth; he only ever had to get to know the girl behind it. He finds that Blair was incredibly hard on herself, holding herself to the same impossibly standards he hated, but he loved her not in spite of it, but because of it. She was determined to be a powerful woman and ambitious for what she would make of her life and her mothers legacy, not because she was self-made but because she had something to uphold.

So, when they finally got together they complimented each other, and uplifted one another. If Dan didn't have the look or the know-how, Blair did. When she was with him she did everything to help him, and putting her Queen B status to use, made him a space to fit in. When Blair was collapsing under the pressure she put on herself Dan would talk her through it. He was a wordsmith and gave her all the affirmations she needed, gave her some time to not keep it all up in. Dan also had dropped his hate for the Upper East side class hierarchy in this time, because he was happy, and this messed with the storyline.

The creation of GG means it all has to be for something, someone, Serena, being with Blair meant it was for naught. It'd mean walking away, fitting in, not because of his own machinations but because he accidentally fell in love with a girl and not her status. Blair didn't fall for Dan because GG led her to him; she fell for him because they had built a friendship together. We see this especially after Blair's failed marriage to the prince; Dan puts Gossip Girl on hiatus, instantly. This happens again after the Blairs car accident with Chuck. Dan ceases GG whenever Blair is hurt; he doesn't have to be Gossip Girl to be with her, to help her. (and where does that leave gossip girl... our titular character?)

This means Dan was doomed by the narrative; Dan is Gossip Girl, that's the story. No social commentary is made if Dan happily settles down with the only woman on the Upper East side that could let him in. Serena, the ultimate golden girl, with the it-factor, who needed to be tamed with the monstrosity of Gossip Girl was his only true match. She, despite everything he couldn't compare to, easily controlled by the likes of Dan and the stories he could pen. Dan had written himself into the story and with the care-free untouchable girl, to be a part of a world she could/would never leave. This made Blair and Dan's relationship a blip to be smudged out but also the accidental better love story. (and one I made a playlist for!!) (It quite literally would lose the plot if Dan was GG and not w/ Serena so I get it but they wrote such a good enemies to disgruntled allies to best friends to lovers and for what!!!)

but omg this was sinisterrrr

"Kendrick just opened his mouth, someone go hand him a Grammy right now" aged so well, five for fiveeeeee

Drake only has five Grammys! Kendrick did it with one song in one night-

wearing a Canadian tuxedo, with his (Drakes self proclaimed) only competition dancing along, putting her drink up to "a minorrrrrr", as well as with all their other peers

And he ain't even gonna let him get up either, Super Bowl Sunday this weekend!! (w/ his ex!!)

I wanna hate half as well as Kendrick (bro made a whole self enlightened album and then ran it back cause that mf was tryna act hard) (And to that girl i fr got into an argument w/ because she actually thought Drake was better than Kendrick I hope you understand just how and why you were wrong. ALSO bad bunny> J Balvin and it's not even close)

Ahhhhh!!!! Beyoncé has been robbed of the aoty category for so long and despite CC not being HER best album it's one of the best of all time. Sorry for the slight brat snub but omg the Grammy's are finally giving her what she deserved when she gave us self titled and Lemonade.

Cowboy Carter was such a great album I didn't think it would get its flowers because they had snubbed her for renaissance just two years ago but I'm so glad I was wrong!! (CMA's ik what u r)

When I was little and had to go to Saturday school (catholic) I learned about Purgatory and the whole concept had always felt so weird to me. God, all knowing, not being sure if you were good or bad, but even more than that, I was interested in what that space was designed to be like. It has to be uncomfortable, and my teacher, who was just an older member of the church, just said it as a holding cell where you experienced no hunger or thirst but you could feel dread as time passed on. [Anyway, spoiler for the bible(?) the way to get out was to not pray for yourself but to pray for others in purgatory with you.] I think a holding cell where you slowly got to know the people around you but had most of your senses under stimulated was cool but that wasn't the only version there was, not if God knew each of us a little more personally. So now whenever I get a little bored, feel a conversation lag, or need to think about something to avoid another I come up with scenarios I'd consider personal purgatories.

The original personal purgatory[1] I came up with as a child was learning to ride my bike in a park then going too fast that I lose my dad, based off of exactly what had happened (Ik not very creative from a child). I'd be excited from the pride the accomplishment brought me then horrified at the thought of being alone, not in any immediate danger. I would keep riding until I completed the circle and still not find my dad. I would have wind in my hair and it'd be fun to ride so fast but I'd keep worrying if my dad would ever find me. In this scenario it was always just before dusk, lap after lap, and the encroaching fear that I'd be abandoned in the park was the pillar of what made it purgatory. That feeling of discomfort that never went away meshed with the nice cool air and lovely sight of the park made it a great blend for God to contemplate my fate. (idk who I could pray for to get out tho so clearly little me dngaf about all other aspects of it)

A more recent one [2] that I came up with was waking up in a fog, knowing exactly who I was before I died, knowing exactly where I am, and wandering around until I met everyone I owed an apology to. Only thing, they didn't know me; I was a stranger to them. I could keep walking in the fog, forever avoiding the hard conversation and obviously long overdue apology (cause I'd be dead still owing them one) just to run into them on loop. The clear pathway out of this purgatory would be apologizing. It only becomes challenging because I would now have the opportunity to get to know them again without any of the wrongs I did or I could avoid them continuously because, in my stubborn mind, I would not think I owed them an apology. (As I got older I realized purgatory probably needed a way out)

I think about this all the time and mostly just for a thought experiment but the ones I come up with for dull conversations are usually more fun. Lowkey just writing this down so I can start logging them all. But I think it'd be cool to hear other people's versions of a personal purgatory.

The reference:

2024 was such a good year for music, especially for women and it's also the first time since 2016 that I've felt strongly for anything winning the album of the year category. (To this day Lemonade was robbed) It was just clear that brat had that special quality that extended far beyond any of the other albums, in the same way I felt only once before. (except maybe Cowboy Carter but I'll address that later on in the post)

Cultural Impact: The albums cultural impact in undeniable with its ownership of the summer and extension through the fall; it felt we were more than willing to embrace the era. The color was inescapable and beyond that the titular word was redefined (as "characterized by a confident, independent, hedonistic attitude"). Her impact was even felt beyond her album and club rat scene as corporate America, with the help of their social media girls, had fun using their own takes of the iconic album cover for promotional value. This was only successful because of how much the album's message and feel resonated. Leading to my next point, brat was used to launch the social media presence of the new democratic presidential candidate, as she ran on policies aligning with the sentiments deep throughout the album. (quick run through: "I think about it all the time" propositions the near impossible choice of motherhood, aligning with a nominee who doesn't believe in forced motherhood. "So I" is a beautiful song about grief, of deep respect, admiration, and kinship for a departed friend of the artist and one who had an trans identity that was perpetually attacked and used as a scapegoat in the 2024 election by the opposition. Then in general throughout the album there's that independent voice from a woman, who does not fear critiques like "brat" and "mean girl" which have perpetually been used to make women feel ashamed and lesser than, especially from people who leaned more conservative.) Brat has been received over and over again by an audience who was more than ready for more, more so than any other nominated album. (Beyonce and Taylor Swift deserve some kuddos because there were moments their music [from their respective nominated albums] could be commercial and political but just never to the effect brat was...)

Best Iterations: This album has the unique quality that despite the deep proliferation of her work inspiring other creatives to make their own versions of her songs, the originals remained untouched. I saw a few covers with fun concepts such as "brat but it's the Beatles" and as fun as it was it just showed me how ideal the album we received was. The lyrics could transcend sound but they worked best with the original production. The quality of the original album is so phenomenal that they are the best iterations of each respective song. This is proven best by Charli xcx herself as she releases the album now completely remixed with several features making, Brat and it's completely different but also still brat. Every song is completely reimagined, but instead of the usual cut verse to make room for the feature, Charli and her collaborators play instead with the concept of the song, making something entirely new barely reminiscent of their original counterpart. For example, while "Sympathy is a knife" expresses a jealousy for another and the comfort from someone trying to appease her the remix featuring Ariana Grande now repositions the sting of the sympathy as it's now colder and the source is from someone who is just passing judgment. Although the remix is great, it doesn't come close to the original and confirms the fact that brat has optimized it's production value and lyricism to create an album that's precise, meaning every word, never to be outdone.

Refreshing Concept: Brat truly focuses on the party girl's inner thoughts, serving as a vulnerable look into the parts people don't really consider from the one-dimensional character associated with the role. Embracing the club sound and even having more than a few ego high songs (365, 360, club classics) she confidently accepts this aspect of herself but she let's the listener in as she describes situations that hurt her ego, situations that aren't unique to herself. Topics like frenemies, jealousy towards someone with unattainable qualities, wondering if you even fit in anymore, lasting grief, and family ties are equally important pieces to making the complete being that is a "brat". It's ingenious in the exploration of the fluctuating ego and the reasons she does because although our "girl, so confusing" probably isn't Lorde it's almost a guarantee that there's been someone who's been so confusing, sending mixed signals in a platonic way, keeping each other at a distance. The album is essentially a reminder that we are complete human beings; we're not what we appear and we aren't just that bad feeling we have every so often. For every "sympathy is a knife" day there's a "von dutch" day.

It's also such a refreshing album because the majority of the album does not center romantic love. The artist is happily engaged to her long term partner and as fun as "talk talk" is the rarity of more romantic pursuits makes this album unique to not just the other nominees but most music out there. There's no question to her originality and it doesn't take much to realize that her album is a complete product touching on things that make her the quintessential party girl or a brat.

Competition Null: Brat excelled beyond its competition; there simply is not another that comes close in the list if the Grammy's are truly considering cultural impact and artistry, the only compelling case against it is Cowboy Carter. The reason this SHOULD be her only competition is Beyonce's ability to redefine country and how thematically consistent her album is. My only defense against Beyonce is her lack of cultural impact, through no fault of her own, society was just not ready. While Brat had vulnerability and had several songs that were easily palpable Cowboy Carter is an artistic piece that challenges the listener and thus despite her massive platform did not have the prolonged impact its competitor had.

p.s.: 4/5 of my Spotify wrapped for last year are AOTY nominees so really I wouldn't be too mad about any of them winning but fr fr there's a stark difference this year so if she doesn't win... Also a lil fun fact is that my username is just two of charli xcx's songs smooshed together.