FORESHADOWBOXER

Valentine's Day is almost here. If you're struggling to find a way to show that special someone just how much you care, remember: sometimes the best gift doesn't come wrapped in a bow. Follow these tips to really make them swoon.

Four words: two toilets, one bathroom.

Have a baby! Nothing else brings two people closer together before it pushes them really, really far apart.

Show them how responsible you are by keeping a box of Plan B in your medicine cabinet.

Lots and lots of perfume; if the pheromones don't get them to notice you, the allergen-induced asthma attack surely will.

Forget those cliché greeting cards – make your boo a coupon book promising a nice massage or even an evening without dishes. Don’t have the time or the construction paper? Pick up some coupons from Walgreens, cut them out, and staple them together. They’ll appreciate the romantic gift, and you’ll appreciate the savings.

Never forget the ABCs of being a good little wifey: Always Be Cooking.

Turn alone time into cell phone time; there's nothing s/he has to say that can't wait until after you've finished that game of Candy Crush.

Variety is the spice of life, so always keep your genitals well-seasoned with paprika and oregano.

Never underestimate the power of those three little words: it's not contagious.

You’ve asked for it, and now here it is – the most anticipated “Best Of” list of 2015 (listed in order of preference).

January We don’t remember much about this month, so it must’ve been good.

February We remember only a little more about February. Four stars?

March In like a lion, out like a lamb, March usually typifies the transition from winter to spring, and it probably did this past year as well. Who can remember? It feels like it was months ago.

April In French, “April” is “Avril,” which is quite pretty and is also the name of world-famous rock star, Avril Ravine.

May Oh, man, remember that Cinco party? How was it? I wasn't invited.

June My cat got herpes. It was all downhill from there.

July Christmas in July was a bust. Didn’t get a single card.

August No prize in cereal box; had to collect UPCs over the series of weeks and send them all in at once. Lame.

September Threw a party. Only my mom came.

October I don’t even want to talk about it.

December Star Wars Episode 7 and Christmas in the same month?! The only reason this month isn't coming in first: neither event has happened yet, and there's a good chance both could be huge disappointments. Remember Jar Jar?

ON WALLS “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.” –Ronald Reagan

“I will build a great wall — and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me —and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words.” –Donald Trump

ON SERVING YOUR COUNTRY “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.” –John Fitzgerald Kennedy

“He’s not a war hero. He was a war hero because he was captured. I like people who weren’t captured.” –Donald Trump

ON SAYING THINGS YOU SHOULDN’T “I have never been hurt by anything I didn’t say.” –Calvin Coolidge

“You know, it really doesn’t matter what [the media] write as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass.” –Donald Trump (1991 interview for Esquire)

ON BEING A PARENT “I’m inspired by the love people have for their children. And I’m inspired by my own children, how full they make my heart. They make me want to work to make the world a little bit better. And they make me want to be a better man.” –Barack Obama

“She does have a very nice figure … if [she] weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.” –Donald Trump

ON FEAR “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” –Franklin Delano Roosevelt

“When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best [sic]. They’re sending people that have lots of problems. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists.” –Donald Trump

ON RACE “If slavery is not wrong, nothing is wrong.” –Abraham Lincoln

“Laziness is a trait in the blacks. … Black guys counting my money! I hate it. The only kind of people I want counting my money are short guys that wear yarmulkes every day.” –Donald Trump

ON FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION “We need not fear the expression of ideas—we do need to fear their suppression.” –Harry Truman

“Nobody wants to say this and nobody wants to shut down religious institutions or anything, but you know, you understand it. A lot of people understand it. We’re going to have no choice [but to close down mosques].” –Donald Trump

ON RESPECTING OTHERS “Don’t try to fine-tune somebody else’s view.” –George H. W. Bush

“You could see there was blood coming out of her eyes. Blood coming out of her wherever.” –Donald Trump, insulting Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly over questions she asked during the first Republican primary debate

ON COMMUNITY “We need a spirit of community, a sense that we are all in this together. If we have no sense of community, the American dream will wither.” –Bill Clinton

“People love me. And you know what, I have been very successful. Everybody loves me.” –Donald Trump

ON RESPECTING DIFFERENCES “If we cannot end now our differences, at least we can help make the world safe for diversity.” –John Fitzgerald Kennedy

“Look at that face. Would anyone vote for that? Can you imagine that? The face of our next president? I mean, she’s a woman, and I’m not supposed to say bad things, but really, folks, come on. Are we serious?” –Donald Trump, regarding Carly Fiorina

ON FOOLS “You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time.” –Abraham Lincoln

“Sorry losers and haters, but my I.Q. is one of the highest – and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure, it’s not your fault.” –Donald Trump

ON FREEDOM OF THE PRESS “Absolute freedom of the press to discuss public questions is a foundation stone of American liberty.” –Herbert Hoover

“You wouldn’t have your job if you weren’t beautiful.“ –Donald Trump (spoken to a female reporter)

ON THE SHAPE OF THINGS "We did not come to fear the future. We came here to shape it.” –Barack Obama

“My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body.” –Donald Trump

ON LIMITS “Recognizing and confronting our history is important. Transcending our history is essential. We are not limited by what we have done, or what we have left undone. We are limited only by what we are willing to do.” –George W. Bush

“You can never be too greedy.” –Donald Trump

ON CHANGE “Change will not come if we wait for some other person, or if we wait for some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.” –Barack Obama

“Everything in life is luck.” –Donald Trump

ON ENEMIES “Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?” –Abraham Lincoln

“I don’t like losers.” –Donald Trump

ON FOREIGN POLICY “The best way to enhance freedom in other lands is to demonstrate here that our democratic system is worthy of emulation.” –Jimmy Carter

“My favorite part [of Pulp Fiction] is when Sam has his gun out in the diner and he tells the guy to tell his girlfriend to shut up. Tell that bitch to be cool. Say: ‘Bitch be cool.’ I love those lines.” –Donald Trump (TrumpNation: The Art of Being The Donald, 2005)

ON KINDNESS “I want a kinder, gentler nation.” –George H.W. Bush

“All the women on The Apprentice flirted with me — consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.” –Donald Trump

DES PLAINES, ILL–Second grader Nate McIntosh stunned his classmates earlier this week when he finished his times tables a good eight, maybe nine, seconds faster than anyone else in class.

“It was really cool,“ reported classmate Jenny Love.

Bystanders noted that after finishing his worksheet, McIntosh coolly walked to the front of the room and placed his paper on Miss Baldwin’s desk before returning to his seat, a look of boredom upon his face.

“I didn’t know what to do with all of my spare time,” McIntosh told his peers during recess. “I was so bored waiting for everyone else to finish.”

McIntosh, who previously only had one or two friends in class, has seen his status quickly upgraded.

“We might only be in second grade,” said McIntosh, “but right now I’m flying in first class.”

McIntosh’s presence has been highly sought after at both recess and lunch alike, where different cliques fight over who gets to hang out with him.

“Generally, I just alternate between groups,” said McIntosh. “That way everybody gets some time with the Math Master.”

“I never realized he was so smart,” said a googly-eyed Maria Hernandez while hanging upside down from the monkey bars. “He’s so-so-so cute! Do you think he’d sit with me at lunch?”

Classmate Cassandra Dix, who was previously considered to be the best math student in Miss Baldwin’s class, is far from smitten.

“Nate McIntosh thinks he is so smart,” said Dix, refusing to look up from her workbook as she frantically studied multiples of four. “But I’ll show him next week.”

The children’s homeroom and math teacher, Olivia Baldwin, is far less impressed.

“Are the kids still going on about that? Really?” asked Baldwin. “Nate may have turned in his worksheet before anyone else, but he forgot to do the backside. He actually got a failing grade.”

No word yet as to how McIntosh will handle the news.