Angela Ziegler brings me a Well Needed Peace™

i think about you, us, everyone, all of us before we fell out, all the time. i do. i miss our stupid conversations. i miss hearing you laugh. i miss seeing a smile on your face. i miss dealing with your drunk bullshit. i miss quite a lot about you. but ill probably never tell you how much you mean to me considering i may not even see you again. im not going to strongarm myself into being back in your life, if it doesn’t happen naturally it won’t happen at all.

im sorry. for everything. for the nothings i did to prevent it getting to where it stands.

i hope we’re going to be okay. maybe not now, maybe not in a year. soon, i hope.

im so sorry. for everything. i miss everyone. i miss you.

for everyone who has stayed put, be it within the last six months or the last 10 years: im sorry. i wanted to tell you all personally. privately. together. i love you all so much, but being me is now too much. i have had no mental health treatment in over 8 months. i am as clean and sober as one can get without self medicating, which is kind of all i do now. my swings are caught in perpetual motion with some days i could climb a mountain, and others, not even the small pile of laundry i haven’t done yet. my damaging behaviour is spreading like fire to dry autumn leafs, i ignore the ones i love for days, weeks, yet talk to them only when i feel like i could fix every surmountable problem they could throw at me. having friendship on those terms is damaging. for everyone. you signed up for a friend, a cohort member, a committee member, a drag race fan, a karaoke aficionado.

you did not sign up to babysit me. for that I can only apologise again.

T, if you see this, which i highly doubt considering, I love you. I’m sorry for being me, but you liked me, so I guess it worked out okay in the end. We did alright.

G, I didn’t want to say anything whilst you had your own stuff going on. It wasn’t worth it. I love you and always will.