poetry

i just wanted to have a place to post poetry, especially stuff about gender so i don't have to store it on my phone -oliver

a few of us might post here besides oli

When I was maybe twelve. I'm not sure who or what turned it on.

I imagine it was always on, glowing faintly in the background long before I took notice.

As soon as I saw the dim, flickering light, I was intrigued. Something about it called out to me, drew me in. I sat in front of it for a long time, trying to figure out what it was or what it meant.

Eventually, the static got louder and I felt it thrum with a frequency that resonated in my soul.

-

Resonated more than anything ever had before. Resonated more than the music I played, the songs I listened to, to drown out the pain.

Eventually, it got louder and louder, and it got so loud I felt the ache deep in my bones. Eventually, it got louder and louder. I wanted to scream.

It was not resonating anymore. It was shattering something deep inside of me.

Eventually, it got so loud the TV itself shattered.. and I sat in front of it, staring, feeling like a part of me was broken. Feeling like I had lost something, or maybe I had found everything.

And I sat there, and I stared. Just like her, just like her, I wanted to stick my head in.

It was fried, and it was broken, and.. finally, I saw something that felt like me.

I wondered if, perhaps.. if the TV had come to life- if the TV could tell me how it felt- if it would say something that resonated with my soul just like that static did. If it would say the words that I had been searching for since I was twelve years old. Since I was much younger than that. Words that I didn't know existed.

I wondered… and I looked at it, and my hand reached out to touch the broken pieces- they tell you not to pick up broken glass, but I couldn't stop myself and I grabbed it, stinging, burning, fried thing that it was..

It should've hurt, and maybe it did, and I just couldn't tell, but.. it made me feel alive. More alive than I had ever felt.

The blood that came from the piercing glass dripped down my hand, and I watched it with interest.

Blood that should've been red, but instead- cracked and shining- I saw blue light streaming out.

Maybe that was the real me, maybe it was.. left behind from the TV.

i trip and stumble

over and over

but i never fall

i make the same mistakes

somehow

i can't seem to change

i keep on tripping

but i never fall

they are always there to catch me

show me the error of my ways

the evidence that this didn't work before

i stumble into the hands of my past

they pick me up

dust me off

Some release or respite from the heat and the hurt

Was taking the time now and then to ask how I am

And now at the end (At the end of all things)

I'm not gonna scream, beat my chest at the wind

I'm doing fine

it's prompt 3 btw

it's early morning

finally fall

i can hear the crisp

crunch

it's stark and it is loud

echoing in my ears

what should be a calm, satisfying sound

has been tainted

the pain is crushing me

laying heavy like a weighted blanket

i can feel it in my bones

maybe if i just stay under the covers

day by day

the night would come quicker

it was something i kept track of

now i never know

just suddenly

i'm sitting in my room

it's so dark how is it only 8pm?

what happened to summer?

all this time i was excited for fall now i'm

smack

in the middle of it

where did the day go?

wasn't i just here?

haven't i gone through this all before?

sitting as the months tick by

september passes

october comes around

and it feels like i'm watching life pass before my eyes

haven't i said this all before?

and it just happens again

year after year

is this what was meant

when they warned us of aging?

will i never escape

this oh so fast-paced,

already-gone-before-it's-come,

passage of time?

well, i guess..

i get caught up in late nights.

my thoughts wander

back to who i used to be.

sometimes i love who i have become

but other times, i miss that version of me.

i look back at pictures,

see the smiles and bright gaze.

everything feels so dim now

when did that happen?

when did i lose that part of me?

but i know you aren't

not a single time

have you meant it

you told me once

when you feel wronged, you'll never feel like you're in the wrong

well you were

you hurt me

and i know i made mistakes too

but you

you who ripped my heart out

you were w r o n g

and i cannot seem to find the mistake

the cause behind the pain.

sometimes it's right after a dream

and i cannot pinpoint these feelings

that seem misplaced.

yearning

is the answer google brings.

not what i expected but it falls into place

settles in my brain, and i know that's right.

about something you can't comprehend?

how do i tell them without saying the words?

"this reminded me of you"

"look at this tiktok"

"wanna hang out?"

"you're gorgeous; never think otherwise"

do they know what i mean?

love the way people say it lights up a room,

love how my eyes light up with euphoria when i look in the mirror.

some days i actually love myself,

love every part of me in ways i can't express.

but those days are fleeting,

like the clouds on a hot summer day.

oh some days i wish i didn't look like this.

i wish i didn't see all the bad in me,

reflecting back every time i dare to exist.

i wish i knew how to fix the cracks,

how to glue myself back together.

if only i understood the beauty in my flaws,

that maybe they aren't flaws at all.

some days i crave to be something i'm not,