I went to high school with a kid who would only drink out of a baby bottle. He brought a large baby bottle to school every day. At first, we thought that he was using it to sneak alcohol or something, but he wasnât. He would bring it filled with chocolate milk and then fill it up with Coca-Cola and Sprite during lunch. Heâd buy a can of each and mix them together. Like I said, it was a large bottle.
I didnât know the kid that well and I didnât have any classes with him so I never really talked to him that much. I knew his name. His name was Kevin. Sometimes Iâd see him at parties on the weekends. He still had his baby bottle. He would fill it with beer and rum.
He dated my sisterâs friend, Emily, for a little while. I had known Emily for a long time. She had been a friend of my sisterâs since they were five or six. They were really good friends. She spent a lot of time at our house for sleepovers and stuff. Sometimes she would pee the bed, but I never made fun of her for it. I think most older brothers would have loved the opportunity to make fun of their sisterâs friend for peeing the bed and I think she really appreciated that I never mentioned it even though I definitely knew about it because after the sixth or seventh time, my parents started paying me to clean everything up instead of having to do it themselves.
I asked Emily why Kevin only ever drank out of a baby bottle and she said that she didnât know. They had only been dating for a very short time at that point and she didnât want to bring it up and offend him or anything. I asked her to tell me if she ever found out. They broke up right after that and I kind of forgot about it because Kevin stopped going to school. I donât know if he transferred or dropped out, but I never saw him at lunch or any parties after that.
I hadnât thought about him in a long time, but Emily happened to mention him while she was over at our house recently and I immediately remembered the baby bottle thing.
âDid you ever find out why he drank out of that bottle?â I asked.
âOh yeah, he told me why,â Emily said. âHe used it because he heard that babies that drink out of bottles for too long or drink sweet drinks out of them get really bad teeth problems. He wanted all of his teeth to go bad so that they would fall out and he would be able to fit a softball in his mouth. He said that he wanted to have the world record for being the first person to be able to put a whole softball in his mouth and he wouldnât be able to do that with all of those teeth in the way.â
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