i grew up with two older brothers, which means that for the majority of my life, especially when my age was a mere third or half of theirs, i was stupid and wrong and supposed to shut the fuck up because i didn't know that dollars still retained their value when they were torn or what an abortion was or what slavery was or how to pronounce the word pronunciation.

now, in school i was always focused well-behaved, synonymous with smart for those first few years. i would finish first in class and get questions right, but it wasn't identity defining; i wasn't a genius for slightly advanced executive functioning. then, one day i got my hands on the results from a standardized test (which were previously hidden from me until my parents became too busy to care about keeping me normal), and i don't remember much from that moment. i don't think i was surprised, but i was definitely prideful. and in every standardized test since, i've scored in the 98th or 99th percentile. i've never known anything different.

except, i was still stupid. i didn't know calculus or get movie and book references or understand the political process or read research papers or know who to vote for. i felt like some crazy girl because i was looking at all of this numerical data that said "hey, girlie, you're actually pretty smart" and everyone else around me still wanted to treat me like i was an idiot. it's driven me mad ever since, how people like saying that i'm dumb. how people only like me when i act dumb. how i've lobotomized myself for humor and good will. how they only talk about my idiosyncrasies and not my walls of achievement. and maybe i am dumb sometimes. i'm hardly concerned with knowledge, usually. i'm not curious and i don't study. i've never needed to.

though i've never had test anxiety, i still worked hard. i learned new mediums. i fought endlessly for recognition, and instead my family just got too used to me winning for us to ever celebrate anything. everything felt small. it's really no wonder i feel like i constantly need external validation to survive. i just feel insane. no one else seems to see what i see. i'm proud of myself a lot. nothing feels small to me. it's all proof, but it's never proof enough.

but people don't like egotistical girls, so i'm not supposed to talk about it. i'm not supposed to bring up something that i think is cool, lest it make someone else feel bad. i'm not supposed to be proud of myself. i'm not even supposed to care.

Gina Knight On Eastenders | 19th August 2026