Bleeding Hearts & Open Minds

I saw an article from a father who was discussing his daughter's suicide after a long battle with depression. In the comments I saw a lot of support for her family, which is amazing, but also the same rhetoric I've been hearing on the subject my entire life. "I wish she would've asked for help" "there are other solutions" "suicide is a selfish decision/ the coward's way out", ect. These comments may have the best of intentions, but they aren't based in reality.

Mental illness is extremely stigmatized and disregarded. Like most invisible ailments, no credit is provided for those of us struggling with mental health (which we will abbreviate to MH for ease), yet we all know the terrible result if a battle is lost. Instead, people struggling are often characterized as lazy, selfish, "crazy", irresponsible, or a long list of other adjectives that people will attribute to your core values and worth as a human being. So not only would someone be battling against the depression that may be keeping them in bed, but also having their family members scream at them to get out of bed. This can create a deeper depression, self loathing, and for the person with MH to feel completely isolated. They may begin to feel that their MH, and by extension themselves, is a burden to not just themselves but everyone around them.

What if the family does understand depression and instead of calling them lazy, they support them? It certainly helps because then at least they have a support group, but then they still have to wrestle with the condition itself (and that's not factoring in the guilt that many with MH have for leaning on their supports).

People make it seem so easy, "Just ask for help!" So let's talk about that help. For many, they may reach out their friends and family, but the often response to these cries for help is "same lol" or "I'm sorry you feel that way", they may then feel like no help has been done but they may have been embarrassed to try and ask. Therapy is simply not an option like people assume it is. Therapy is astronomically expensive with many insurances covering little to no expenses and medicine is most often a seperate charge stacked on top. Insurance is also often tied to employment, which people with MH may struggle to maintain. There are also many who can't access it due to being a minor, not having transportation, being unhoused, ect.

If you are lucky enough to be able to receive therapy and medication, your battle does not end. MH medication often has side effects and has its own stigma. Someone in my family flushed my antidepressants down the toilet because they thought that antidepressants cause mass shootings, infertility, ect. Yet, at the same time, if you are diagnosed and people know this about you, they will believe it is your obligation to keep up with your medicine. It's very much damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Another form of help, specifically for if you're in extreme diress or suicidal, is a commitment to a psychiatric facility. This generally comes about one of two ways: either you recognize you need help and commit yourself, which could lead to unemployment, financial distress (if possible, at all), issues with custody, ect... or, if someone's concerned about you, they can place you against your will and you would have the same concerns, but additionally you could lose possession of firearms, lose security clearance, or more. Regardless of how you're admitted, the facility can also just decide to not let you go until you meet their expectations. All of this is to even receive the last line of defense against suicide, but what happens after you're committed? It very much depends on where you're admitted. We all know the history of asylums, as well as modern lawsuits against sexual assault and more. However, even if you're lucky enough to get the absolute very best facility in the world, that facility is likely not going to have a sudden cure for your MH. That's not to say they're pointless by any means, but people often expect their loved ones to come out "better". MH for many is a lifelong struggle and I think we as a society try to pretend that isn't true.

It's easy to judge suicide from an outsider's perspective and think of a list of reasons why someone should never do it, but to understand why they do it, you must see their perspective instead. Like I had mentioned previously, many people with MH face personal judgement based on their symptoms or coping skills. If a person internalizes these, they begin to feel like a burden and forget that they have any redeeming qualities at all. Their brain lies to them and tells them everyone secretly hates them and wishes they were gone. When you say, "But she has children she left behind, how could she not think about them?!" you are completely incorrect about the perspective that person had. I promise you she though of her children, but her brain told her they were better off without her. Some instead may just feel the crushing cost of constant mental pain or fear a lack of ever receiving any relief. These people may be suicidal or turn to substances to numb the pain. We all know how our society treats those with substance abuse if they choose that path, which would lead many to believe suicide to be the only real solution. Please do not think that just because a condition is mental it does not cause pain.

I hate when people discuss a concern but not a solution, so let's end on what we CAN do to help those around us.

1. Accessible ongoing therapy and medication should be available for all who need it. (Eliminating poverty, as well, but that's a topic for a separate day). If someone you know is struggling to get help, encourage them to reach out to NAMI, who may be able to assist with free or low cost assistance.

2. Educate the youth. We've all seen the headlines on just how young some of these kids are when they choose suicide, and I know personally I started struggling in middle school. Teaching kids about MH can help them recognize their need for help, reduce stigma, and help mediate long term damage from undiagnosed MH.

3. Love them. True support for your loved ones and friends can make all the difference. What does true support look like? Refuse to label their worth based on their MH, stand up for them against these labels, and remind them they are not their condition. Celebrate their victories and remind them often exactly what you love about them, tell them you love to have them around.

4. Meet them where they're at. We all want our loved ones to be as happy and healthy as they can be, but sometimes by trying to push them towards this, it can do the opposite and make them feel worse. If they say they truly cannot get out of bed that day, but you worry about them being isolated, pick up a movie and popcorn and chill in their bedroom with them. If you're worried they're not eating, don't just say "you should eat" they know that, but there must be a reason they're not. You can either ask what may be causing that or bring over a favorite meal. (Don't be offended if they can't eat it). If you're not able to do these types of in-person supports, you can FaceTime them, text them randomly that you miss them, ect, but I personally believe face-to-face support is preferable when possible.

5. Be very careful of your langauge. Not only for how you refer to your loved one's condition, but for others as well. If you say you support them but judge harshly someone else with a similar condition, they will notice.

6. If you yourself have never had MH, it can be hard to relate to or understand. I find that it can be helpful for some to think of MH as if it were akin to physical conditions. Would you judge a diabetic for taking insulin? This is the same as a depressed person taking an SSRI. Would you be angered if a covid patient needed to stay home and rest? Nobody wants to be depressed, nobody is choosing this. The amount of times I've heard "just be happy" as if there is not an underlying chemical imbalance is ridiculous.

6. Last but not least, the most important, TAKE EVERY WARNING SIGN SERIOUSLY!! ⚠️ Suicidal people often do ask, or even beg, for help, but maybe not in direct words. If someone says something like "you'd be better off if I wasn't around", this is a quiet cry for help, do NOT shrug it off. If someone who has been very depressed recently suddenly seems cheery and carefree, stay alert. Someone giving their stuff away, especially prized possessions, is also a major red flag. Also remember that suicide can be contagious; if your loved one had someone of theirs recently pass from this make sure to check in on them.

⚠️If someone tells you they're feeling suicidal, assume they mean it seriously. If you see warning signs such as this, ask them. Uncomfortable conversations suck less than their funeral.

⚠️ If someone is threatening to commit suicide as manipulation, this still should be taken very seriously and acted upon, but please remember their life is not your responsibility no matter what happens. Do not feel you must obey their manipulations and reach out for help immediately.

⚠️ If you are reading this and are suicidal, please know that it really isn't the answer to your pain. You are loved and your absence would leave holes in the hearts of people you may not even think care. Yes, YOU! Please feel free to reach out to me any time of any day if you need help ♥️.