Passions Of The Flesh

im so sorry that you're doomed by the narrative but i really need you to answer my message on Microsoft Teams

Please respect my privacy

my deepest apologies

I forgive you

Anyway me when I suck that pharaoh good and hard through his scaramphigousus

basketball players fight over the basketball because they are hypnotized before each game to believe it is their egg

FOOD IS GOOD. FOOD IS GOOD. FOOD IS GOOD!! if you’re eating, ever, and even/especially if it’s hard, know that i am personally SO SO proud of you

The BMI was invented by Adolphe Quetelet, the 19th century statistician who invented phrenologist anthropometry. He wasn't just a eugenicist, he was one of the founding fathers of racist pseudoscience. Please do not listen to anything he has to say about your body.

good god when the mr clean magic eraser hits the stove......

the panties hit the floor

you know it brother

Cant tell you how many times I rawd*gged my husband after I caught him using a magic eraser to clean the pasta sauce I burned onto the burner like some kind of primordial insect

you know what i wish you would tell me

"it's just stress" oh thank god, it's just the silent killer that slowly kills you, perfectly harmless, no need to worry

my beautiful wife, severe thunderstorm warning, is texting me 😌😚😍😍

*hits the joint* In the Harry Potter universe, Merlin is canonically a Hogwarts alumni and a Slytherin, which is impossible because Merlin predates the existence of Hogwarts by centuries. Of course, JK Rowling didn’t know that because she is a dumb bitch. I’m sorry. Misogynistic phrasing. She is a willfully ignorant and hateful, deeply unlikable and ill-informed, untalented and unspeakably cruel…..person. Seriously, how could you write a series about British wizards without truly understanding THE British wizard. Anyway, Merlin would never be able to attend any sort of organized schooling. He’s definitely self-taught in every universe because he’s the most powerful wizard ever AND he’d have been expelled from any institution before he stepped through the door. The only reason they haven’t escorted him away from Camelot is because he can see the future and he is kind of like the king’s dad. I was so disappointed by BBC Merlin. I turned it on and I was like “What the fuck is this shit, where is my perverted old man?”

when i was a kid i decided that killing people was bad therefore war was bad therefore the military was evil. and adults would tell me it's more nuanced than that and i would understand when i grew up. well i'm a grown up now and idk i still think that killing people is bad and war is bad and the military is evil

ancient roman women whose husband keeps looking at the neighbour's boy quintus and he never looks at her that way and she can't even chainsmoke in the kitchen because they don't have marlboro blues in ancient times. and she can't even go to the club because they haven't discovered drum and bass music yet. her friend clodia's having visions of a woman named doechii but neither of them knows what that means