the meaning of life? is to make your bedroom as comfy as possible. that's it that's the purpose

Son, your mother and I are unfollowing each other on Tumblr

girls love telling you they're on a train

[Talking to my princess faildaughter after I caught her making pathetic puppy eyes at the maid] Life isn't a swagophile post bitch. You’re getting married to a dude named Gunther

No we’re not “turning Gunther into a girl”. What? Are you serious. I- oh my god do I have to do the bit to make you understand. Sigh. Mommy needs this alliance so you have to be a “very polite doll” and perform traditional femininity okay? Or were fucked

Serious murder mystery that keeps getting interrupted by a cowboy trying to kill the detective every few chapters, this is seen as normal and a minor inconvenience by the characters

tch… this necklace is NOT turning me evil I just think that operating on strict codes of morality that ignore the reality of a situation is a bad idea and have gotten more confident in asserting myself. I’m not saying bad things are good, I’m saying that labeling something evil will just prevent you from actually addressing the root problem of a situation effectively. No. That mage probably just scammed us. I highly doubt this thing is cursed. At worst it might’ve been the thing causing a bit of pain in my chest for a while and that’s started to go away so it was probably just some injury I got when we were fighting that beast.

binky means bunny is happy OR very happy

you know who’s gay? paul the real estate novelist who never had time for a wife and davey who’s still in the navy and probably will be for life

New headcannon: everyone in that song is gay except the Piano Man who has no idea he’s playing at a gay bar and the staff and regulars have a betting pool on how long he’ll take to finally figure it out. So far John is ahead.

“The manager gives me a smile ‘cause he knows that it’s me they’ve been coming to see” also implies that the Piano Man is possibly an incredibly attractive but oblivious himbo, and if you listen to the rest of it imagining that, this all fits a little too well.

this makes too much sense. Also, the full quote is “Now John at the bar is a friend of mine. He gets me my drinks for free. And he’s quick with a joke or to light up your smoke. But there’s someplace that he’d rather be” Yes, your bed, he wants to be on your bed honey, that’s not a joke, he is flirting with you.

Lighting another man’s cigarette is some old-school gay cruising.

You know, good on him for just rolling with it.

making powders that are mildly hydrophobic until they suddenly arent (like cinnamon or cocoa or w/e) until they dissolve in watery liquids is a form of orientation play

hitting an angel’s halo with a tuning fork and the halo stays perfectly still but the angel starts vibrating