indeed.com search history "pet for mysteriously wealthy older woman" "unethical science test subject full time" "vampire thrall with room and board"

i could never be hannibal lecter because i hate lying theyd be like and whats for dinner hannibal and id be like it's beef SORRRYYYYY its actually a guy who i killed and cooked up 😬 are you mad at meee and theyd say no hannibal you told the truth and thats what matters and then we'd all hug

just drove past a cunt with yhe license plate "HUMMUS" im obsessed with this dude who is such a hummus fucking fiend its his fucking license plate

i have two sides slutty jester and lighthouse keeper

cocktails / mixed drinks are fucking insane the guy who invented them mustve been like hey beverages are boring as shit. what if we just put whatever the fuck in there. fire. tomato juice. heavy cream. egg white. salt. fuck you

And don't forget to stay up til 3 am every night doing nothing productive for no reason every day for a month

Sometimes I have no idea what girls are talking about so I just listen. Many of you would benefit from doing the same.

girl who started a load on laundry: I’m gonna change my life I’m gonna clean my whole house I’m gonna go on a walk

God forbid you ask a pharmacy to fill a prescription