Flag Hagz

The Bangor Daily News (BDN) recently solicited ideas for a new flag to replace the current (abysmal) city flag of Portland, ME. I mean, look at this atrocity.

The only thing that resurgams when I look at this flag is my lunch. (Though I do have to admit that I sorta dig the sassy cormorant and the chorus of big mouth bill bass on the seal.)

The 10 semi-finalists in the contest can be found here. We offer some comments on some of the candidates:

You may have wondered we we’re not addressing the Great Populist New Zealand Flag Overhaul 2015 goings-on. Don’t you worry, we’re saving it for FlagHagz: A Premier Flag Book. Surely you’ll still be interested in 2030.

But if you’re curious about the 40 finalists, this about sums it up:

You’ll forgive us if we take a quick break from flags to bring you this:

WHAT. ICELAND. WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN US?

Don’t know what we mean? Check out Iceland’s current coat of arms:

OK well actually that one’s pretty rad too (the symmetry of tongues really brings it together, don’t you think?). But you gave up COD!? The only fish to ever be featured on a coat of arms (And no, dummies, I did not look that up to verify it)? COD!? Only fish to have its own biography and 4 stars on Goodreads!? COD!? Food of the Gods aka Dwayne Johnson (he doesn’t like to be called The Rock anymore, people, respect that)?

Since 1500, Cod slaved away on the Icelandic coat of arms, until it was replaced in the beginning of the 20th century with a falcon with disconcertingly muscular calves and toes.

Well, we at FlagHagz salute you, cod arms of olde. We salute you.

Actually it appears the Icelandic Pirate Party salutes you as well, for this is their flag (bonus points for having a flag ON A DAMN FLAG).

I know what you’re thinking: when did Flaghagz move away from flags and toward modern art renderings of art deco desks?

Well friends, you may be surprised to learn that the abomination above is a flag. And not only is it a flag, it’s a very recent flag. As in, this year. As in, Monmouth heard about all of the crowdsourcing success of New Zealand and Fiji, and wanted a piece of the action.

So here we are, with probably the worst flag in the UK on our hands, and they can’t even blame it on posterity. And if you’re wondering how many votes it takes for one of the four finalists to win the Monmouth flag design competition, it’s 181. The answer is 181 votes.

The illustrious and hopefully less crowd-sourced newspaper Monmouth Today claims "The number of entrants (into the competition) was very pleasing; especially regarding school children.” Well no shit, Monmouth Today, obviously they were coerced into designing flags as some sort of jingoistic school project, and obviously this design came from one such schoolchild.

So I’m guessing there’s a bridge in Monmouth, and also some large desk. But the only article on the subject doesn’t address anything about this flag except that it won the competition. Luckily, Wikipedia came to the rescue (as always) and let me know that the famous Monmouth bridge is topped by a gate (not a desk, though you could probably place a desk in the gate), and dates back to the Norman Invasion (which every linguist and maybe some other people too know was in 1066 AD). Oh yeah, and shockingly, there are no other such old-ass stone bridges left in England. So actually this is a really old bridge and totally worth being on the flag as the foremost characteristic of Monmouth - just could use a little more explanation, and maybe a clearer representation and less neon on the flag.

And in case you were wondering, the flags that lost:

On a recent trip to the south, I became acquainted with the garish flag of the city  sprawling semi-incorporated swamp district of Jacksonville, FL. 

Chicago’s events, multiplied.

Paste Magazine recently highlighted a project by NJI Media called “United we Brand: Rebranding the United States of America”. And who wrote this helpful pointer to the redesign of state flags? Becky Delaware. YOU HEARD ME. We’re onto you, Becky D.

Delaware nepotism aside, let’s start with some general observances:

NJI looks like a pretty cool design firm. What’s NJI stand for? Who knows!? It’s not stated anywhere clearly on their website, and I noodled around on there for a good 5 minutes, which is as much as you can ask of any millennial in 2015. So if anyone from NJI ends up seeing their name in our prestigious bloglines, please, clue us in by adding a lil something in your “About” section. 

And maybe think about changing your logo too, because it looks like you’re capable of some very neat design but your current minimalist logo looks like United we Brand: H&R Block.

Grievance 3 against NJI Media: They’re based just outside of DC, and yet, OF COURSE, in their utopian rebrand, there is still no place for DC statehood. Typical Virginia. 

DC’s flag is nearly perfection anyway, but I still would have liked to see what NJI could do with it (if the other flags are any indication, darken the red, add a muted background color, and some kind of outline color for added contrast).

It’s not that I don’t like their designs, but they’re not very flag-like. That’s assuming they are flags, which I could only confirm by reading an interview with NJI about it, because, c’mon NJI, you are not forthcoming about anything!

But look - these colors are not flag colors. One of the accepted tenets of flag design is that schoolchildren should be able to replicate the flag. Many of these designs are not only complex, but use a color palette that can’t be contained in a Crayola box.

Another tenet of flag design? No words. You hear that, NJI? NO WORDS.

Montana

Oregon

Wisconsin. I actually like this one and could see it being on a flag! Maybe we can revise the text rule for super big letters.

And one last grievance, just cause I’m enjoying this so much:

California. Is. Not. Texas. 

Never ever EVER make California look like Texas.

Flag man Of Long Wharf in New Haven, CT. Offering historic banners, protest flags, and (most recently) cut roses to Tea Party Patriots. 

Well, that was short-lived. You'll no doubt remember Nepal making the World Record for largest human flag. So over.

Came back to find this on my desk. Quick craft-time creation, crypto-vexillology. My coworkers love Souvlaki.

The flag was accompanied by this (delightful) explanation:

J.O. takes on the New Zealand flag redesign.

Ingushetia: land of natural resources and this flag of a periscope with some fishing hooks coming off it.

You may remember times in the past we've covered some other weird symbols with three limbs coming off them, most significantly Sicily:

Triskelion is the name for a central symbol with 3 legs coming off it, but it seems to have more to do with spirals in general than with legs sticking out medusa's wheat-y head. What does the periscope triskelion have to do with Russia, you ask? Great question!

Ingushetia is inhabited by a people indigenous to the North Caucasus called the Vainakh, and the Vainakh way back in the day were big fans of the sun. The triskelion in this case is a symbol of the sun, or "a solar sign in the form of a red circle with three arched beams".

Here, have a pokemon flag, straight from the depths of the Pokemon subreddit.

Just wanted to point out the absurdity of this angry goose, chosen by the province of Landsmeer in the Netherlands to represent it to the world. Those charming Dutch!