Finding_Cydni

Dealing with depression as a believer can seem really far-fetched. We are told to have faith, not to doubt. And sometimes that can be really hard when you are facing medical problems or financial problems or anything that takes us out of our comfort zone.

So, a little history. I have been dealing with a vertigo, dizzy sensation since late February, early March of this year. I have gone to the doctors, and I found out I have hyperthyroidism. On top of that, I have had a CT scan, MRI, x-rays, and numerous tests run. I have consulted with the ENT, neurologist, physical therapist, and more, and still, no one can tell me anything. (All tests have come back negative.)

I thank God that every test has come back negative; maybe all I really need to do is get this extra weight off my body!

And let’s talk about that… it seems every time I try to make an effort to go to the gym and work out, I end up hurting myself or feeling worse, and I’m just like, Lord, what do you want me to do!

I want to be free from this; it’s literally all I pray about at this point in my life. I feel like giving up, but the bills and the fact that some people care about me keep me going.  I’m not talking about unaliving myself, just not trying or caring anymore.

I pray and seek the wisdom of God every day. I just want to feel better. I want my life back.

I was listening to a snippet of a podcast the other day, and it said something along the lines of we have to pray not my will but thy will be done. Or more like if it doesn’t work out that way, I would like it to, I will still serve you, Lord, I will still walk by faith and not by sight. I will still trust that this is your perfect will for my life!

Sometimes that can be hard on this side of heaven.

Yes, I ask him daily, “Why am I going through?” “What is the purpose for all of this?” and I haven’t received the answer I’m looking for just yet, but I know he hears me, and he is working all things together for the good. (Romans 8:28)

That doesn’t mean you will not have moments of deep guttural anguish; the evidence is in the book of Psalms. We see David face so much, and he wrote out every feeling and emotion and made his prayers known to the Almighty!

And that is what we must do... we have to remember that Jesus told us to come boldly to the throne of Grace and make our request known to God! (Hebrews 4:16)

If you are feeling down about your current position in life, look up! Remember, we can talk to God like we talk to our friends. He is our good, good Father, and all good things come from the Father of lights (James 1:17).

I usually pray! Or just find a spot on the wall and focus on it. We have to remember that it's fear and fear can make us believe what's going on in our mind is real!

My faith really helps me. Without Jesus I would've folded a long time ago

Dealing with Anxiety

Today, as I was journaling and making supplication to the Lord, the Holy Spirit revealed to me that I was really allowing fear to win.

As I was looking up Philippians 4:7, “And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” I realized that I wasn’t really allowing myself to find peace. So, I went back and read through the entirety of the chapter and realized in verse 4:11 where it says,” Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned, in whatever situation I am to be content.”

I looked up the word 'content' and, boy oh boy, did I realize this is not how I was feeling or going about my current predicament in life.

Now, the definition of content is to be in a state of peaceful happiness or a state of satisfaction. I can tell you I do not feel any of those emotions, as I feel like my life is spiraling away from me.

To give a little context on my current dilemma in life. Around February of this year, I started feeling vertigo-like symptoms, and I have been going to and from different doctors to find out what is going on without any relief. I found out I have hyperthyroidism, and maybe that is playing a role in my discomfort, but the doctors do not know.

Not that you all know me very well, but those who do know that I have a little bit of control issues when it comes to my life and my body, and myself… LOL!! (but God obviously has other plans for me)

Anywho, I do not like having things happen to me that I can’t understand or have no control over (I’m quite sure most of us don’t), back to the topic at hand…

I found my body just doing things I wasn’t used to. I had panic attacks to the point of going to the hospital because I didn’t know what they were at the time! I stopped drinking caffeine, and my oh my, has that been a tough one. I do miss a good caramel ribbon crunch for that one coffee place…

Gave up caffeine, started back going to the gym, started taking medication, even though I had anxiety induced by taking meds… that’s a story for another time!

But it seems like the more I started trying to take better care of myself, the more my body kept rebelling on me, and it started driving me crazy, and depression started to hit hard again.

And we know what depression can feel like and how it can be debilitating, and on top of that, I was having anxiety attacks as well.

So, around the same time, I started my first therapy session in late February of this year, and it has helped tremendously.

But that’s not what I’m here to talk about. My discussion today is about realizing that I was not in contentment when it came to this particular trial that I am facing in this season of my life.

I do not find myself in a state of peaceful happiness; I find myself in dread a lot. Like, my life can be over at any moment, at any time. And while sufficient is the day for its own troubles, I can’t help but worry about my tomorrow.

Now, back to my journaling this morning, I started looking up the definition of words, like fear, anxiety, hope, content, peace, and Holy Spirit revealed to me that I was allowing fear to kill my hope (expectation)!

As I looked up peace, one definition stood out to me. A state or period in which there is no war … and I said to myself, anxiety and fear still your peace, and literally commits war on your mind and body.

I have been allowing this war to continue in my mind and body for months and maybe even years… because I have been suffering from moments of anxiety since 2023, I just didn’t know what it was at the time.

To hope in Yahweh is to have the expectation that He will do what He said He will do! Hope is the expectation that no matter what you are facing, Jesus will come through.

I wrote down in my journal today that this has been a very humbling journey for me. But I cannot and will not give up… because where could I go or where could I hide that Your very presence would not be there.

Why is the American Christian Population declining in America?

Have we become so desensitized to things in the World that we have become heartless?

Why is it Christianity that seems to be growing everywhere else in the World, but Americans are staying stagnant in their faith?

What are we doing that seems to be driving believers from the pews and to atheistic beliefs, agnosticism, and other religions?

Are we not showing true fruit? How can we have so many churches in a Country and see such little growth in believers?

And if we are creating new believers, are we building Disciples? Sometimes I believe we seem to be so focused on salvation that we forget to disciple others in their faith walk. The Books of 1st and 2nd Timothy tell us alone that it is very important to "raise up" believers who will be awoken to the Spirit and have an established relationship with Jesus!

Jesus never commanded us to make church members but He called us to make disciples, (Romans 28:18-20). We have to get away from the numbers game we seem to keep playing at and truly grasp what Christ is saying to us. It’s time for the Church to wake up, turn away from culture, (Romans 12:1-2) and be true members of the church. Not sorta kindas, but followers of the TRUTH!! (John 8:32)

So many times, we are afraid that we may be offending someone because we choose to live our lives fully and wholly for Jesus. The Lord calls us to lay down our lives and take up our cross and follow him. What can a man gain if he loses his soul? (Matthew 16:24-27)

What Christ has for us is greater than anything the world has to offer. We the American Christian need to awaken anew to the love of Christ. We need to go on a journey to find the Lord truly and wholly. Forsaking the things of the flesh and pursuing Him like it is our only morsel in life.

We need to come back to the Father and let go of the lukewarm Christianity that we have been chasing and understand how great the Love of the Father is for us. We have become desensitized to the problems of the world. we have become desensitized the true meaning of what it means to be a Christ-follower. We are forgetting the true meaning of what it means to live for and in the Lord. Christ dwells in us. Holy Spirit lives within us. He is our advocate and He is calling us back to the Way.

As one who as dealt with depression herself since she was young, probably realizing what it was when I was about 10. Always feeling lonely wishing there was someone who could just relate to me. Wanting someone to understand the hurt and shame I felt as a young child.

No one ever came to rescue me from my hurt and shame. I felt like I never really had anyone to help me through my struggles in life. Having absentee parents is really hard sometimes. You wish you could go to them to talk about you issues but there is never anyone there to talk to. No one to understand the shame you are facing.  

I always wondered why it has always been so hard for me to talk to people; to relate to them in any way. I always felt out of place never felt as if I belonged anywhere.

When you have always felt this way; it leaves a darkness inside of you that you don’t even realize until it is time to share with others or get to know them. You automatically close a part of yourself off and never allow anyone to actually reach this part of you.

You become distant and unreachable, yet at the same time you want some to reach out to you! You are inwardly crying for someone to see you!! TO REALLY SEE YOU!!

The reason I am sharing this is because the HOLY SPIRIT has been dealing with me about dealing with my feelings. Not internalizing everything. I must also confess that I am afraid to share with others. People tend to judge you and I don’t want to be judge. I want to say I don’t care what others think, but that would be a lie.

I have always been someone who has been good at hiding herself. I can literally be in a crowd of people and if I don’t want to be seen I will not. I am good at being a surface dweller. I have spent most of my life hiding.

Even as a believer I try to hide things from God, (how ironic, right!!) How can we hide from God? The eternal sees and knows all, even our deepest thoughts. Yet even if He knows, He still wants us to open up and talk to Him about our issues. And I’m not talking about the surface issues, the ones you have been hiding form Him since the beginning, the ones you think He doesn’t know about.

To be honest I am tired of hiding but at the same time I do not want to be vulnerable. To me vulnerability is a weakness, and weakness is not allowed!! For someone who sees weakness as cowardice it is hard to be vulnerable. Yet deep down inside I do.

Now saying this, it leads to my trust issues, if I feel like I can not open up to someone that means I do not trust anyone.

This is something I have prayed about with God for sure. I want to trust others, but the only way this will be accomplished is for me to be open with others, (cringe face).