#findingcydni

Dealing with Anxiety

Today, as I was journaling and making supplication to the Lord, the Holy Spirit revealed to me that I was really allowing fear to win.

As I was looking up Philippians 4:7, “And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” I realized that I wasn’t really allowing myself to find peace. So, I went back and read through the entirety of the chapter and realized in verse 4:11 where it says,” Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned, in whatever situation I am to be content.”

I looked up the word 'content' and, boy oh boy, did I realize this is not how I was feeling or going about my current predicament in life.

Now, the definition of content is to be in a state of peaceful happiness or a state of satisfaction. I can tell you I do not feel any of those emotions, as I feel like my life is spiraling away from me.

To give a little context on my current dilemma in life. Around February of this year, I started feeling vertigo-like symptoms, and I have been going to and from different doctors to find out what is going on without any relief. I found out I have hyperthyroidism, and maybe that is playing a role in my discomfort, but the doctors do not know.

Not that you all know me very well, but those who do know that I have a little bit of control issues when it comes to my life and my body, and myself… LOL!! (but God obviously has other plans for me)

Anywho, I do not like having things happen to me that I can’t understand or have no control over (I’m quite sure most of us don’t), back to the topic at hand…

I found my body just doing things I wasn’t used to. I had panic attacks to the point of going to the hospital because I didn’t know what they were at the time! I stopped drinking caffeine, and my oh my, has that been a tough one. I do miss a good caramel ribbon crunch for that one coffee place…

Gave up caffeine, started back going to the gym, started taking medication, even though I had anxiety induced by taking meds… that’s a story for another time!

But it seems like the more I started trying to take better care of myself, the more my body kept rebelling on me, and it started driving me crazy, and depression started to hit hard again.

And we know what depression can feel like and how it can be debilitating, and on top of that, I was having anxiety attacks as well.

So, around the same time, I started my first therapy session in late February of this year, and it has helped tremendously.

But that’s not what I’m here to talk about. My discussion today is about realizing that I was not in contentment when it came to this particular trial that I am facing in this season of my life.

I do not find myself in a state of peaceful happiness; I find myself in dread a lot. Like, my life can be over at any moment, at any time. And while sufficient is the day for its own troubles, I can’t help but worry about my tomorrow.

Now, back to my journaling this morning, I started looking up the definition of words, like fear, anxiety, hope, content, peace, and Holy Spirit revealed to me that I was allowing fear to kill my hope (expectation)!

As I looked up peace, one definition stood out to me. A state or period in which there is no war … and I said to myself, anxiety and fear still your peace, and literally commits war on your mind and body.

I have been allowing this war to continue in my mind and body for months and maybe even years… because I have been suffering from moments of anxiety since 2023, I just didn’t know what it was at the time.

To hope in Yahweh is to have the expectation that He will do what He said He will do! Hope is the expectation that no matter what you are facing, Jesus will come through.

I wrote down in my journal today that this has been a very humbling journey for me. But I cannot and will not give up… because where could I go or where could I hide that Your very presence would not be there.