talking to preschoolers is awesome bc they have not fully differentiated stories into 'true stories' and 'imaginary stories' yet so you will tell them about something that happened you once (coyote came out of a bush right in front of you and got startled) and they will tell you about how one time their house was full of coyotes in every room 'including five in the garage' and they're not even like, aware i think of the idea that they are technically 'lying'. they are simply telling stories about coyotes bc its time to tell stories about coyotes.

omfg i forgot that i never showed tumblr my greatest achievement. my pride and joy, my pi-ass de résistance

if you reblog this i am kissing you on the mouth. no that is not negotiable. we are in love now. we are dating. we are planning the wedding. i will be with you on your wedding night

I NEED THOSE SHORTS

that’s kamala harris

do you know that i think of this post every time i can’t sleep op. what mythbusters did for you, you have done for a great many others. 

when people are like “the hunger games just stole the plot of battle royale” like listen everything steals from the plot of everything the lion king is just furry hamlet westworld is jurassic park but sexier lost is edgy gilligan’s island there are no original stories and the only good piece of media is jennifer’s body

Michael crichton wrote westworld and jurassic park tho so he just pirated himself

michael crichton keeps TRYING to tell y’all about the evils of capitalism impeding on the progress of science when will y’all LISTEN

Maybe he just doesn’t like theme parks

michael crichton in line for a roller coaster at six flags: fuck this

how am I ever supposed to leave tumblr when it takes me on journeys like this

Are clowns patriotic

are you?

I’m asking the questions here. Would a clown die for its country

everyone who has ever died for their country was a clown

Maurice

Maurice

Maurice

Maurice

I'm begging of you, please don't take my man

I think my favorite bit i do with customers is when white women are like ‘i dont know what to getttttt’ and i hit them with the ‘you should be bad~ 😈’

Saying ‘you should be bad!!’ In like Gay Voice to a white woman at starbucks has like the same psychological impact as going like ‘who’s a good boy?’ To a dog. It makes them so excited in a really endearing way.