Cachinnate

Haven’t posted in some time, okay A LOT of time.

I am now a mother of two beautiful girls. It was a big decision I had to make deciding to have another baby. I became pregnant for the first time at 17. I still remember telling my husband, boyfriend then that I felt that I was pregnant. He was like, “no you’re not relax.” The day I took the courage to go to a clinic he was at work and all he kept saying was, “relax it’ll be fine”, even if I was to him things were going to be fine. One of the counselors of the program I was a part of since middle school accompanied. Marc – such a great man, you could never forget the important people that play a part in your story regardless of their current involvement in your life. He was there, always there in one of the most life changing moments for me. I was pregnant! Of course, the discussion for termination was had and for me that wasn’t an option. Despite my Christian belief, to me it just felt like I should have been more responsible in having sex, I wasn’t and who was I to terminate the pregnancy. I just couldn’t push myself to do it. Long story short, I went through a lot of criticism, it’s one thing to go through a process alone and hidden but when it’s in the public eye it’s literally the worst. Suddenly everyone had suspicions that I was having sex, or knew that I was pregnant, or felt I was making a wrong decision. Everyone will always have something to say. On top of becoming pregnant we decided to get married. I became emancipated and was married and living with my husband since age 17. It hasn’t been an easy journey. Parenting is one journey in itself. Marriage is A WHOLE OTHER journey. Growing up is a process. The three together made one hell of life experience. Despite the ups and downs we made it to the decision 9 years later to try to have another baby. I have now my 5 month old and a 10 year old.

This time, there was no embarrassment, people of course still had something to say whether good or bad but it didn’t matter because this felt like the right moment for us. I truly could say I enjoyed this pregnancy, at times I felt so guilty because of how happy I was in comparison to my first. I felt so bad that I didn’t want to do anything different at first, no photoshoot, no gender reveal, nothing that I didn’t do with my first. You see that’s how much your mind plays with you; it makes you feel like you do not deserve the happiness. I thought of family members that could not have children, I thought of friends who suffered losses and some days I felt like why do I get to have this blessing? But I took it as that, a blessing and made the best of the pregnancy, did the things I didn’t get to do with my first whether because of finances or just my emotional health. I did it all now that I was in a better space. Even labor was a breeze in comparison to my first. Where was I even going with this story? Oh right, it’s been a long time…it took me a while to be at a place where I no longer held that guilt of having a teen pregnancy and recognizing that I and everyone deserves happiness; regardless of what it may look like.

I feel tired: Emotionally, Physically, Mentally...