LOVING / DISGRACE*

“   sam   i   -   i   “         the   anger   -   the   frustration   he   felt   melted   away.   that   thing.   inside   of   himself   calming.   hiding   itself   back   somewhere   deep   inside   his   soul.   settling   into   something   he   that   now   controlled   him   more   than   those   emotions   would.   guilt.   seeing   sam   -   step   away.   looking   so   broken   -   knowing   that   he   did   that.      and   to   make   it   worse   -   what   she   was   saying   was   true.   he   was   hurting   everyone   again   -   he   wasn’t   game   enough   to   face   them.   he   was   selfish.   he   so   damn   selfish.   firsts   clenched   -   nails   leaving   crescents   his   palm.      he   took   a   step   forward   -   wanting   so   bad   to   reach   out   to   his   friend.   comfort   her   -   but   he   couldn’t,   could   he?      that   would   begin   to   pave   a   path   to   a   closeness   he   wasn’t   ready   for   yet.

“   i’m   sorry   -   “      throat   constricting   at   the   sight.   eyes   burning   with   the   threat   of   more   tears.   forcing   himself   not   to   look   away   -   to   face   the   consequences   of   his   actions.         “i’m   so   sorry   sam   -   but   there’s   nothing   you   can   do   to   help   me.      at   least   -   not   right   now.   please   -   i   -   ”            his   heart   hurt.   i   don’t   want   to   push   you   away.   that’s   what   he   wants   to   say.      he   withdraws   -   stepping   back   again.   it   would   be   better   if   sam   hated   him   now   -   she   would   be   better   off.   despite   how   she   might   feel   -.      “   i   have   to.”

there’s a personal realisation towards his decision .  but she’s a hypocrite ,  unwilling to accept such understanding .  she’s hurt and her feelings are betraying her .  sam had pushed people out of her life since day one .  friendly but always keeping distance ,  never letting anyone in and getting angry when they tried .  she of all people should know why he’s doing it .  rational is what she should be .  how things had changed .  how vulnerable she felt without any defence left .  with nothing to fall back to ,  nothing to hide against .  she hated the tears in her eyes ,  but she hated the ones in his the most .  rejection and betrayal turned sour .  she wouldn’t let him do that to her .  the weight on her heart was too much .  it hurt too much .  she wanted to rip it out and toss it on the ground .  instead ,  she reverted to spite ,  a bitter defence of someone who’d already lost .  

“   me   ?      it’s   not   like   pharaoh   is   mine,   sam   ..”      true   since   their   professor   died   -   uh   -   again?   he’d   been   feeding   the   cat .  brushing   him.   and  sure   he   usually   slept   on   his   bed.   when   he   wasn’t   trying   to   sneak   into   sam’s   room.      but   it   wasn’t   his   cat   ..well. 

  “   -   okay   -   maybe   he   is.      but   he   wouldn’t   have   to   scratch   at   your   door   if   you   didn’t   block   off   your   side   of   the   cat-walk,   dude.   he   likes   you.”      what   was   sams   issue   with   him   anyway?   she   lived   with   a   three   headed   fiend   !   plus   her   general   vibe   -   really.   what   did   she   have   against   the   lazy   tabby?  

❛     what business of it is yours ?!      ❜   red cheeks illuminate against a sudden paling complexion .  such vocal energy seems to appear from no where ,  a humorous twist from the aloof slifer .  to the limit of her ability ,  she had successfully avoided conflict with the feline throughout her years living in the dormitory .   out of sight ,  her overwhelming fear remained hidden .  now ,  she’s biting her tongue ,  reeling herself in with what remaining dignity she has left ,  yet the obvious panic remains clear .  his relationship with pharaoh had made things difficult ,  as where jaden went that cat wasn’t too far behind .  a reason why eating at the cafeteria wasn’t possible until everyone else had left ,  as pharaoh would often depart as well . 

                                he  knew  something  wasn’t  right  straight  away ,     but  he  also  wasn’t  going  to  push.    still ,     how  could  he  not  be  concerned  after  hearing  that  ?    jesse  might  not  know  the  girl  personally ,     but  any  friend  of  jaden  was  gonna  be  important  to  him  too.    besides ,     she  didn’t  sound  all  that  well  in  there ,     there  was  no  way  he  could  just  walk  off  without  being  sure  she  was  really  okay. 

                                ❝     now  don’t  take  this  the  wrong  way ,     but  it  doesn’t  sound  fine  from  where  i’m  standing.    ❞    if  she  was  sick ,     then  she  shouldn’t  be  left  on  her  own.  it  wasn’t  right.   ❝     hang  tight ,     okay  ?    i’ll  go  get  you  some  water.   ❞  

❛     don’t !     ❜    she begrudgingly cried out .  through a muffled hand she groans ,  doing her best to push down the disgust in her mouth and the throbbing headache that threatened to overwhelm her .   ❛     don’t.  please.  it’s fine.    ❜  sam is no doubt irritated by his interfering ,  but to be overly aggressive to someone just trying to help felt wrong .  annoying .  but wrong .  it’s her own fault .  she should know better .  her body shouldn’t react like this anymore .  a hand brushes through her hair and she’s sighing loudly .  dammit .  she opts to lean against the door ,  throwing her head back to look at where he was no doubt standing regardless of the obvious obstruction . 

he   frowned.   seemingly   forgetting   exactly   where   he   was   standing   and   the   prior   embarrassment   he   had   felt   walking   in   on   his   friend   -   it   was   sam   anyway.   not   that   big   of   a   deal   .      but      man   ,   she   really   wasn’t   going   to   back   down   was   she?.   well   -   maybe   he   deserved   it.   just   a   little   .   but   there   was   no   way   he   was   going   to   separate   the   white   and   the   reds   !         if   sam   had   to   walk   around   with   pink   socks   then   well   -   that   wasn’t   his   problem.   

“   wha   -   dirty   ?   those   are   my   clean   clothes   sam   -   it’s   easier   to   find   them   that   way   -   especially   when   you’re   in   a   hurry,   you   know.   “         obviously   ..      if   he   used   the   shared   wardrobe   he   might   end   up   running   to   class   in   one   of   syrus   shirts.   or   -   worse.   something   that   belonged   to   the   chazz.   he   shuddered   at   the   thought.         “   -   er   but   whatever.   i’ll   do   it   -   just.   don’t   let   the   others   know,   ‘cause   next   thing   you   know   sy’ll   have   me   doing   his   -”         

❛     that’s disgusting.     ❜   she was no clean freak ,  but even she didn’t leave clothes lying around .  if she was a kinder person ,  she might offer to organise his wardrobe instead of forcing upon him more work .  fortunately ,  she wasn’t in a giving mood .  so long as her washing didn’t end up in a pile .  and he didn’t man handle her clothing .  if her shirts shrunk then it was him who’d pay for it .  though ,  the question was ,  did she really want to take his shirts as payment ?  not while knowing where they were stored every day she didn’t .  though ,  better his then chazz .  

❛     it’ll take more then that to scare me off .  he can think and bark however he wants .  he might implode if he doesn’t let his ego run .  hot air and all .     ❜    she amuses herself ,  snorting lightly without breaking gaze from the passing clouds .  seiko isn’t as bothered as her narrowed eyes make her out to be ,  though she has to resist rubbing at her temples. people like that just have her a headache .  still .  she can’t help but take a second glance at the girl sitting beside her . another obelisk .  ah , but she simply bites at those thoughts of her , shaking them away before bitterness took hold .     

It was very nice for the woman to be so calm and collected about people in general and was very patient to hear the other’s words slowly come out of their own mouth,blue eyes blinking slowly then coming to a stop once she introduced herself afterwards…sam huh.What an interesting and odd name at the same time,then again it wasn’t anything new really.

But then she heard her second question and simply shaked her head suggesting that Elise didn’t really know why she was here,but it was better to answer than to keep quiet right?It was worth a try at least.

“I suppose you could say i’m just here because i want to be.Nothing else.”

❛     that doesn’t answer my question .     ❜   the words come before she can chose to silence them .  it was an ominous statement ,  yet void of any malice . it was just gentle .  there was that elegant undertone that she knew all too well ,  but she had yet to see past the mirage .  she ends up frowning ,  narrowing her gaze to study the woman silently .  grace was a facade in her world ,  lacking true serenity and warmth .  then ,  she was here .  a soft breeze in comparison .  only seconds of meeting her and she’d left sam puzzled .  perhaps she should have been more concerned ,  suspicious of an outsider on the island ,  but if it truly was a problem .  well .  it was someone else’s problem to deal with.  

he  shouldn’t  be  here.   no  one  should.   his  voice  sparks  immediate  panic   ,   the  pounding  of  her  heart  striking  to  a  cold  stop.   the  shaking  of  her  hands  would  not  settle   ,   her  pale  complexion  an  unsettling  sight  to  her  own  eyes   ,   let  alone  anyone  elses.   it’s  the  transfer  student   ,   that  much  is  clear  from  the  lingering  accent  in  his  translation.   why  was  he  in  the  slifer  dorms  ?   there  was  no  time  for  frantic  questioning  ,  instead  taking  the  time  to  silent  her  unnerved  breathing  ,  swallowing  down  the  siliva  that  lingered  in  her  mouth  ,  to  wipe  at  the  sweat  on  her  forehead    …  

❛     i’m  fine  ,  if  that’s  what  you’re  asking.     ❜   irritated  ,  snappy  in  her  tone  ,  just  wishing  he’d  leave  or  she  could  simply  disappear  from  this  situation.   communicating  from  a  bathroom  stall  wasn’t  pleasant  as  it  was.   another  cursed  living  trait  was  the  shared  bathroom  in  these  dorms.   ❛     go  away.     ❜       please.   

“urgh”      he   groaned   collapsing   onto   the   spare   bunk   with   a   small   bounce   -   arm   draped   over   his   face   in   a   dramatic   pose.      knocking   his   glasses   slightly   askew   -   he   knew   he   was   being   dramatic.   but   the   situation   called   for   it   !   plus   ..   sam   was   used   to   it   anyway.   or   at   least   -   she   should   be.   considering   how   frequently   he’d   been   visiting   lately.      it   wasn’t   his   fault   !   jaden   was   just   being   a   particularly   bad   roommate   as   of   late   ..   and   sure,   he   could   just   go   stay   in   ra   with   hassleberry.   but   that   would   be   admitting   defeat   !   and   he   wasn’t   going   to   be   beaten   by   some   jaden   rip-off   with   a   silly   accent.   

“   i   wish   it   was   a   girl   sam.”      he   sighed   -   man.   he   really   did,   he   was   in   his   third   year   !   he   should   be   focused   on   going   on   dates   -   girls   ..   holding   hands.   not   on   his   roommate   struggles.   his   truesdale   good   looks   were   really   going   to   waste.      “   -   you   sure   you   don’t   wanna   be   my   new   best-friend,   sam?” 

❛     i’m  sure.     ❜     if  she  ritual  summoned  cerberus  and  managed  to  play  yomi-no-kuni  at  the  same  time  ,  then  with  the  sacrificed  monsters  in  the  graveyard  ,  she  was  sure  he  would  win  in  at  least  two  turns.   the  cards  in  her  hand  are  neatly  placed  accordingly  in  front  of  her  ,  a  soft  ,  enthused  ,  smile  twitching  at  her  lips.   it  had  only  taken  her  three  years  to  strategise  without  her  usual  bluff  style  dueling  techniques.   satisfied  with  herself  ,  she  finally  brings  her  full  focus  to  the  boy  currently  occupying  the  bottom  bunk  ,  and  as  she’s  sitting  in  the  middle  it’s  not  hard  to  lean  over  to  witness  his  dramatic  state.