i wish i had the guts to tell my mother that im sorry for being such a horrible failure that i wish i could just do everything right and not be any of this but i also know that i cant just pretend to be something im not, its just not going to work. i wish i could just be everything they want to be so i could be worthy of their love and attention for once but i know its never going to happen so all i can hope for is to be the least of a burden ever. and never ask for things that arent completely necessary and ever expect anything from anyone

cutting has always been a "i need to draw blood so i can know that there is still one thing in this world i can get right" thing but recently its been more of a "i need to punish myself for being me" thing

no matter how hard i try to be useful and not a burden and give more than i ever think of taking, i never manage to stop fucking it up and i always end up being more trouble than im worth