Ale

On grief

Last year every aspect of my life was colourful, hectic and exciting

It was like something big and important was about to happen

This year I sit in stillness

None of it happened

I’ve lost lovers and friends

Lost myself in the midst of it all

Today I grieve that version of myself

Hopeful and naïve

But I’m still alive

For the first time in weeks, I cooked myself something and ate 3+ meals, did the laundry and cleaned my tiny apartment

Maybe these tiny steps are exactly what I need

No need to blossom straight away

No need to perform

In this very moment

I celebrate with pride who I am

With softness and tenderness

Quietly

La verità è questa

Mi sento sola

La prima scelta di nessuno

Sto peggio di quel che dico

La mia vita è un caos ordinato

Provo una nostalgia immensa

Per eventi mai accaduti

Non sento di avere una comunità attorno

Che mi ami o rispetti

E quando questo accade sistematicamente

Anno dopo anno

Ecco che inizio a chiedermi

Esco dallo schema

Un’altra notte insonne

Calda e afosa

Una notte di quelle in cui ti penso

Una notte di quelle in cui vi penso

Ti cercavo tra gli spazi nei silenzi

nel sottovuoto di questa stanza

dove il silenzio diventa frastuono

Ti trovo soltanto nei ricordi

Mi chiedo se tu mi abbia trovata

Forse non mi stai neanche cercando

Eppure mi sento persa

Parlarne non basta

I don't even know if I'll ever be able to fix my fucked up brain. I just feel so lonely and misunderstood sometimes, like everyone goes on with their lives, while I keep being stuck in the same toxic thought patterns again

and again

and again,

Il silenzio

Cannot help but falling, who am I? A loser, a failure, A human being made of tiny pieces of nothing?

Too many words Too much focused on being perfect Too little sense of self

“Stop eating, stop complaining, you don’t deserve to be alive Collapsing Day after day”

La ricaduta

I am hopeless, we all are Making the same mistakes again and again Empty souls filled with food, alcohol and broken promises

Non era previsto

A fire

Burning inside my organs,

Skin

Heart.

I think I might be feeling emotions

And all that fun stuff.

Tangled in the great escape*

Escaping from my reality, my house, my creepy and messy room for just one day is not enough.

It feels like having one tiny bite of freedom and independence but

It isn’t satisfying,

I’m always craving for more and more and more.

Unfortunately, I can only see my life through white and black lenses,

Grey doesn’t even exist.

I know I can do this on my own, but

I also blame others for not caring and not helping me

While I try to get my shit together.