boof

then came kindergarten. the teachers scolded my parents for letting me bring novels to school. “she can’t possibly understand them,” they said. so they gave me tests on the books. i made perfect scores on all of them. i preferred books to movies and television; movies didn’t do justice to the stories i loved.

so, they marked me down as a “gifted child.” they tested my IQ and everything. i was the perfect student, in their eyes. i sat in the front and listened to the teachers as intently as i could.

one day after school, i ran up to my mother and hugged her. then, i turned my head and saw my mother walking towards me. i looked up at the woman i had hugged. “you’re not my mother,” i said, astutely.

my mother, a clever woman, thought to have my eyesight tested. turns out, i had horrible vision. somewhere around 20/450. functionally blind without glasses. not ideal for anyone, especially a six year old.

You’re gonna have a hormone crash, and it’s gonna be weird, and for the first couple days you’re gonna feel weird and bad emotionally and maybe feel like you made a mistake.

Yeah, that’s actually normal. Your breasts produce hormones and trigger hormone production elsewhere, and removing them induces something like a mild form of postpartum depression.

IT WILL PASS.

For the first few days I couldn’t even glance at my chest without feeling horrible, like I’d done something egregious. A few days later and I’m fine and thrilled, just as I thought I would be. The hormone crash is real, it’s okay, and don’t freak out about it too much. It will pass. You’ve done the right thing and you know it.

We had this HUGE test that day. There was a big party the night before and we were all so exhausted; I don’t think I’ve ever been in a more tired and unprepared class. I include myself in this, as I was making interval trips to the bathroom because I ate so much sugar the night before that I was throwing up the whole next day. Needless to say, we didn’t want to do the test and literally looked and felt like zombies. Girls were crying, boys were laying on the floor sweating profusely. It was weird and gross.

So there was this boy, the Windex Kid. I think his name was Jed or something. He was this really quiet boy who always was reading and didn’t make much of an impression until The Day. Five minutes before the test, in the cafeteria, he took the Windex bottle from the cleaning closest, emptied it and poured his blue Gatorade in it. Put it in his backpack and we went into the classroom, not really paying attention to what he did a minute prior.

It was all quite grand and not unlike a movie scene. The test is about to start. We all are ready to fail and our grades to crash for the semester. I’m ready to vomit again. Windex Kid stands up says in a loud voice “FUCK THIS TEST” and proceeded to drink the Gatorade out of the Windex bottle.

Naturally, it looks just Ike Windex and the teacher panics, thinking a kid just poisoned himself in her class. She calls 911 in a panic. The ambulance comes. We all get sent home early as he’s taken to the hospital where they would soon discover that all there was was Gatorade in his stomach. He was a real hero; he took a bullet for the team. His legacy is still spoken about in that school, my younger brother confirms. Afterwards, he slipped back into oblivion and his books. His glimmer of fame vanished into the darkness, not unlike himself.

Lead protagonist is Jewish and it’s not played for laughs, in fact it’s not mentioned at all

It is, however, hilarious to watch Dwayne Johnson mutter “Oi vey” in between marveling at his muscles 

Every single character learns something from the game avatar they’re playing, and how to play not just to their strengths but also their weaknesses

When did Nick Jonas get hot

Like seriously

When

There is an actual, honest-to-God friendship between the two female leads where they both learn from each other, encourage each other, and delight in each other’s successes

Jack Black plays a teenage girl with such utter enthusiasm that you end up forgetting he’s “an overweight middle-aged man”, and his crush on another (male) character is never exploited for “humor”, not even when he gives mouth-to-mouth to him.

Nick Jonas

Hot

Seriously, the girls’ friendship is amazing and wholesome and refreshing

“ZOOLOGY, BITCH”