Sir Duck

he figures out he's gonna Keep Coming Back no matter what when Alfred asks him to help clean the roof and while alone scrubbing out gutters he fucks up and falls off the ladder; completely snaps his neck.

he wakes up like twenty minutes later all healed and instead of freaking out, he decides that he's been through so much shit and his life is already so goddamn weird that honestly? so what if he can't die.

still concerns the fuck out of the rest of the family when jason wanders in a few hours later rubbing out the crick in his neck and when bruce asks how the roof went he goes "yeah, gutters clean. also i think i fixed death?"

"...jason what could that possibly mean." dick asks from across the room. jason shrugs.

"I dunno. fixed it."

he continues to make vague-ass uncaring comments that baffle the fuck out of everybody for the next few weeks, and they don't figure out what the hell he's talking about until one patrol they get into one of those tricky 'locked in a room and have to pick one of you to die' situations and jason just whistles, goes "man this would suck if i hadn't already fixed death," and then proceeds to shoot himself in the face in front of all the horrified bats.

he wakes up fifteen minutes later to bruce and dick having a shared panic attack on the floor, tim desperately trying to calm them down, and damian standing over him looking supremely disappointed as he goes "fucking 'fixed death' todd?? that's the only way you could think of phrasing it? i thought your special interest was fucking literacy."

Clark and Bruce walk into the Batcave to discuss a JL investigation to find Kon in a containment cell, Jason, Dick, Tim, and Damian sitting crisscross on the floor besides him, while Stephanie stands at the entrance with a lead box in hand.

Clark: is that? kryptonite? What’s going on here?

Kon (in Tim’s body): Wassup bro

Bruce: bro?

Dick: Tim and Kon got their bodies switched by a magician

Clark: Should we call—

Damian: We aren’t imbeciles Clark. We’ve already contacted the wizards. The spell will expire in a day or two.

Bruce: Good work.

Clark: So? What are you guys doing?

Jason: We’ve had a bet going that kryptonians have weak pain tolerance and that’s why green kryptonite affects you guys so badly. cause your wusses.

Superman: So your.. gonna torture Tim to find out?

Stephanie: Not torture. Experiment.

Dick: We are trying to figure out where kryptonite exposure feels like on a scale of 1-10

Cass: Face Punch to waterboarding

Clark: ..

Dick: I have money on it being a solid 7

Jason: Tim and I put money on 5.

Clark: This is ridiculous. Tim get out of there. Stephanie bring me the Kryptonite.

Tim (in kons body): Nah this is completely consensual don’t worry, we have a safe word and everything. I’ve been waiting for a chance like this forever. No way am I gonna miss out.

Clark: Bruce, do something

Bruce: ..

Dick: *laughing* You forget who made us this way

Stephanie enters the containment cell and opens the box. Tim(in Kons body) stiffens for a moment, then takes a deep breath. He stands up and gets closer and closer to Stephanie, his breath getting a tiny bit more ragged as he eventually reaches over to close the box.

Jason: Well?

Tim: The pain is proportionate to its proximity. Initial exposure felt like a 4–broken ribs but steadily increased to a 6— full body electrocution as I grew closer. Nausea and a headache are also present symptoms.

Damian: Hmm. The effects have been greatly exaggerated. I assumed it would have felt like being set aflame.

Kon: In my defense, i’m technically only 4 years old.

Tim: We could probably work on you guys’ pain tolerance a bit with a red sun lamp to get you more accustomed to discomfort

Bruce, squinting at Clark: Hmm

Tim: D why does your resume say that you actively volunteer at an orphanage? The hours you put on here say you work there more than full time.

Jason: I am totally for lying on your resume, but you have to at least make it believable brat. If you’re gonna commit a crime at least do it well.

Damian: Those hours are accurate, they may even be a little on the lower end.

Tim: Dami wouldn’t we notice you leaving every single day to go volunteer for 10 hours a day? We would never see you.

Damian: Why would I need to leave the manor to volunteer at an orphanage?

Jason: . .

Tim: . .

Jason: You listed Alfred as your supervisor?

Tim: Oh, shoot- Guys my brothers here, I gotta go

Ariana: Who is he?

Callie: You have a brother?

Tim: Yeah hes just coming up on his bike, there

Ives: THAT'S your brother?? Dude that bike is so fucking cool!!!

Tim: Yeah, hes also a gymnast, he can pull some pretty sick moves!

Callie: How did we not know you had a brother??

Ariana: Do you think he'd teach us gymnastics? My aunt always says i should try ballet, gymnastics pair well with it

Tim: Maybe! I'll talk to him. He's super chill tho, im sure he'd teach us. He's like cool, but chill

Callie: No, but really, weren't you an only child??

Tim: Okay, bye guys, see you tomorrow!

Dick: Oh were those your friends?

Tim: Yeah! They thought your bike was cool. Don't worry, i told them you're actually super lame :)

Steph: *from the couch, where she’s eating chips* any change yet??

Jason: *slightly horrified* no. Not one.

Dick: what . . . are you doing?

Steph: three days ago we switched out Tim’s coffee with decaf

Jason: we thought he might get some sleep for once

Steph: but it’s like he ain’t even noticed.

Jason: *throwing hands up in frsutration* it’s two fucking am and he’s still studying in the kitchen. He doesn’t even LIKE studying

Dick:

Dick: I hate to say it, but—

Jason: *horrified* no

Steph: absolutely not

Dick: —have you considered that it was . . . never the caffeine?

Jason: *stares blankly at camera, which shows Tim finishing a stack of paperwork, calmly taking a sip of coffee, and grabbing another stack* are we sure he’s not a meta. Did we have him tested. How confident are we

Dick:

Dick, who's filling in for Bruce as Batman: I'll call him

---

Hal: you've gained some muscles

Jason, dressed as Nightwing: I started working out

Hal: Damn. What's the routine cause I just saw you last week and you look completely different.

Jason: steroids

Dick, as batman: *chokes on coffee*

---

Superman: We might need someone who's good with guns, hm... Hey Nightwing you're in contact with redhood, right? Could you have him come?

Jason, as Nightwing: ... I don't see why not

---

Wonder woman: this security is an issue we need someone who can hack this system long enough for us to get pass

Superman: hey hood, any chance you can give red robin a call?

Tim, with 5 inches of padding, as redhood: on it

---

Hal: isn't robin usually with you all?

Flash: yeah we could use him with this one

Superman: Red Robin, would you call in Robin for us?