train insane or remain the same

I'm 19, I'm 5'5", and my biggest fear is hitting 400lbs+. I don't actually know how much I weigh right now because I'm afraid of scales. The numbers I see reflected back at me, send me into a tailspin of deep rooted, long lasting loathing for everything I am. The sight of my body makes me nauseous. I have a boyfriend who thinks I'm beautiful and that genuinely confuses me. I don't get how he looks at every ugly stretch mark and fatty part of me and not coil away in disgust. I want to change, I really really want know what he sees in me but see it for myself. I'm determined to change my diet, and do something about this skin suit I hate so much because I am so much prettier than I feel. My goal is to use this tumblr to motivate me, hold me accountable and document my change. Hopefully someone will see this and maybe cheer me on a little, but if not, that's okay, because I want this and I need this.